What are your strategies for handling challenging coachees and stakeholders?

Lots of good things are already added, yet I truly believe that aligning on communication, goal setting and collaboration can only be solved if there is a minimum of trust. Trust can be given, even you are not agreeing everywhere with each other, but aim to serve the same value, goal or mission. Some coaches can come across arrogant, yet it often a false interpretation, it’s their strong experience and dominance, however good once listen first and check the culture and needed way of coaching, prior they push to hard. Also, a long intro and getting to know can help, like “storm, form, perform”.

Recognize the true identity of your challenge - personalities, communication, trust, expectations, or differing views. Craft a targeted strategy, addressing the root causes. No room for assumptions or hasty judgments; they only fan the flames. Embrace clarity and diligence on your journey to a brighter future. Embrace change and reap the rewards.

Once you establish why this situation is challenging, determine if you want to fix it or let it go. The argument for letting it go sometimes: Coaching is a partnership. Sometimes the "chemistry" of that partnership doesn't work. In about 1000 coaching engagements I've overseen, I've seen it not work about 5 times. It's rare, but when it happens, it's real. Consider whether this may be such a time. The argument for making it work: Sometimes when there's conflict, this is something that the coach may need to work on - this may be triggering something in the coach that the coach wants to change. Then acknowledging that source of conflict authentically to the coachee and working through it may make the coach and coachee both better off.

One thing I’ve found helpful is to determine if this is the right time for the person to be coached. Sometimes we’re fighting against other factors (personal life challenges) that make it impossible for the coachee to be productive and have a successful coaching engagement.

Something that has worked for me in my coaching engagements is bringing stakeholder & coachee on the same page to co create a direction/goal. This can be done through assessments coupled with expectation setting sessions. The next step is to document everything and sign off. Conflicts arise and reduces in this flow. Unless we have common direction moving forward does not yield results for any of us. In rare occasion,& I recall just 1 out of hundreds of engagements. When conflict arises, the tool is to ask open ended questions, to uncover the unexpressed pain points. Call it spade-a-spade when it comes to a Coach's observations. Re-set goals. Walking away is the last option and has to be done without walking away from the relationship.

Curiosity as mentioned previously is a great strategy for building a trusted relationship with a coachee or stakeholder. Once you are able to get curious you can also make it about you, and your goals, and not the person to avoid defensiveness and to ensure that they believe you are "in this together." Instead of using words like "you did this" or "why did you" prompt your comments or questions with "I" statements and phrases that make you on the same team.

Establishing trust is key to any relationship, and the coach-coachee relationship is one of the holiest (next only between Guru and sishya!) There is no scope to take it for granted. LIstening at level 3 (empathetic listening) helps. Moving to level 4 (generative listening) shifts the relationships completely.

The relationship I have with a client is different than any other relationship that they have. I’m not a friend, I’m not a colleague, I’m not a manager or peer, I’m not a spouse. I am there for them and them alone. I listen and challenge and hold up the mirror. By truly showing up and showing that I understand and really hear them, it usually doesn’t take long before they open up and show me a side of themselves that many others don’t get to see. Then I know that we can really transform.

In my view Rapport comes first as well approached @senia in the initial topic. It is much easier to go through challenging situations when such chemistry, trust and ambiance is established.

Building rapport is at the heart of effective coaching relationships, and it's the cornerstone for creating an environment where authentic and vulnerable conversations can thrive. Inevitably, as coaches, we encounter challenging coachees and stakeholders along the way. In such moments, it's crucial not to take their behavior personally, although it's often easier said than done. Instead, adopting a stance of curiosity can be our bridge to empathy, even when faced with challenging individuals. By delving into why coachees or stakeholders may be acting a certain way, we open the door to understanding their perspective, even in challenging circumstances. This can lead to more constructive coaching interactions and transformative outcomes.

My friend is an executive coach. Her client showed up late to their session. She asked the client, "If you show up this way to a meeting with me, where else may you be showing up late or showing similar actions like disrespecting someone's time or not informing people that you'll be late?"

The depth of the question will determine the value of the answer. Simple yet thought provoking questions asked at the right time have the power to give us the needed answers. Personal Coach for executives is often able to ask questions that no one else is willing to ask in a board room or during regular office meetings. That alone is one of the big benefits for executives to hire a coach.

Powerful questions are just questions that lead with the knowledge that you don't know anything yet. One questions isn't enough to understand something, while three to five is getting closer. Overall you need to help the client or stakeholder reach their goals, and that means highlighting what they want, now what you want, and being on their side.

One of my coachees had built a reputation of being an aggressive manager. People were tired of his rude, to the point abrasive approach. Our dangerous zone was, this leader, loved this reputation and enjoyed people's fear. He was convinced that's the way to get things done. After a couple of days in the engagement, I spent an entire session only asking and mapping how his behaviour is impacting others - we started with subordinates and ended with his children. It was intense. But that was our turning point. In coaching more than feedback, it is self discovery and reflection that takes us ahead.

The timing and context matter greatly. When a coachee or stakeholder is in a highly emotional state, the first step is to help them regain composure and emotional balance. Once they are in a more receptive state, that's when powerful questions come into play. These questions, when used effectively, can be transformational. They have the potential to expand the coachee's perspective and lead to profound insights. The best powerful questions are the ones that get the client out of their own heads and generate insights, fresh perspectives and new understandings.

I’d also add the perspective that sometimes, maybe often times, we tend to remain in a performance rather than in a learning orientation. Assertive communication is definitely key as well as questioning about the assumptions, i.e. are you coming from a performance or from a learning orientation?

It's crucial to recognize that conflict itself isn't inherently negative; it often signifies that you've reached a growth edge. Conflict can arise from competing options, strategies, and perspectives converging. It's the way we approach and manage this tension that determines whether it becomes constructive or destructive. Constructive conflict fosters creative discourse, refining ideas and solutions. On the other hand, when respect deteriorates, it turns into harmful conflict. Effective conflict management begins with preparation and establishing a foundation for addressing conflicts when they arise. Having clear agreements in place on how to handle conflicts can prevent them from escalating.

It's really important that this is done in a positive and supportive way. Resistance is often accompanied by negative emotions, and the coachee can feel that the whole world is against them, which may make the position more entrenched. Model the behaviour you want to encourage, give frequent positive feedback when you see movement in the right direction, and provide a safe space for them to share what's holding them back from making the change

Stakeholder engagement is a linchpin in coaching, influencing a coachee's development and the coaching culture's sustainability. The depth of engagement of the stakeholder directly correlates with a coachee's willingness to embrace change and take risks. Moreover, stakeholders eventually assume the coaching role, making it vital to establish a robust coachee-stakeholder relationship. Practical steps include regular three-way meetings, where coachees present goals and development plans, along with progress reports. A successful coaching close, marked by celebrating achievements, reinforces the ongoing commitment to growth and collaboration.

70:20:10 is applicable in coaching situations. Hence the stakeholders have a big role to play. Their support and awareness & action by the coachee defines the coaching engagement.

What is most important is handling the expectations and the accountabilities. It is still evident that in some cases, some stakeholders and coachees consider that just hiring an executive coach will do the magic, all the problems will be tackled and will disappear once you hire a coach. Yet, they miss the part of progressive and reflective learning, that include their work, setting up the environment and accepting the influence on the transformation of the leadership culture, and that the development process and its results are mostly of their own accountability. A good start at some assignments to start from more directive modalities, to build trust, and invite in coaching when they are ready and understanding of how it works.

Overall, it's not your job to get anything to do anything, it's your job to help the client achieve what's important to them. It's to help the client find a path forward towards what they deem is important. If someone is difficult you pause on that path, put some lights up, and see if they want to continue. Sometimes clients don't truly want to head in the direction they decided, so it's time to realign. You're the compass, and the client is the direction.

In my experience the more someone needs a coach the less they want one and the more uncoachable they are. For me, talking more generally first with challenging coachees helps - indeed with all - and finding ways of laughing together.

Working with hi-potential executives to successful leaders is a big challenge. Coaching was never a walk in the park. "It is a blessing to witness the transformational shift in the client." Embrace the challenge. Trust the process. "Coaching is bigger than the coach, coachee."

If someone doesn't want to change, he will change without control. What we coaches actually offer is a controllable change. The key to successful coaching is a trustful relationship. Most conflict in coaching is due to a different philosophical approach to life and relationships, which makes trust a challenging goal. It can be very fruitful when you seek different language codes to engage your coachee, meaning I always seek a story that is not only digestible but is motivational primarily and inspirational. When coaching an executive decisionmaker, I always understand that she/he is first a leader, and in just a few areas, a follower. You can use this analogy to build trust with your executive coachee.

Being a Coach, does carry a great sense of responsibility and accountability towards bringing in that change for the betterment of the Coachee. It is a blessing to be a part of an individual's life and help him/her craft their success story. Challenges are there in every walk of life, though what is more important is 'Where is my focus as a Coach?' On the END GOAL. In that case, any challenge or obstacle is NOT bigger. Obviously then my focus is on helping the coachee 'FIND THEIR SUCCESS '.