How can you overcome common barriers to self-compassion?

It can be hard to let go of self-criticism when it's been used as a way to motivate you to work hard and succeed. One of my favorite ways to navigate around this is to envision your future self... see what they've accomplished, what they've done... and ask yourself what 1 thing you can do today to get one step closer to that version of yourself.

This usually starts in childhood. My mother saw resting as laziness. She would berate us for wanting to sit down after working in the yard all morning. As an adult, when I feel that judgement creep in about taking PTO, I parent my little girl with love and tell her that she’s worthy of play simply because she breathes. The more I talk to her, the better she feels about playing.

Self-compassion is a critical element of personal growth and well-being. Two practical tips that can make a significant difference in everyday life are: 1. Practice mindfulness by reframing self-criticism with kindness. 2. Cultivate self-kindness, treating yourself as a friend in times of difficulty. These habits help break down barriers to self-compassion and boost confidence and resilience.

Shame is a human condition that we can succumb to rather easily when we don’t face it. I tell my clients to write down everything they’re ashamed of and then read it aloud. It’s not necessary for anyone else to hear what they say. Shame HATES silence and can’t exist when we give a voice to our pain. Simply saying to oneself, “I don’t believe I’m good enough to achieve this,” will allow us to see how we really feel - which is usually afraid or angry or sad - not ashamed. The truth of our feelings sets us free to heal and become the greatest version of ourselves.

Shame will never get you where you want to be. When building a kinder dialogue with yourself, practice speaking to yourself the way that you would to a dear friend.

Guilt and shame often stand in the way of self-compassion, but it's essential to realize that self-compassion isn't about dismissing responsibility. Instead, it's a pathway to healing, growth, and improved relationships. Rather than punishing yourself, consider this: acknowledging your actions and their impact is a crucial first step towards self-improvement. By forgiving yourself, you can break free from the self-blame cycle and emerge stronger and more empathetic. Embracing self-compassion doesn't make you selfish or insensitive; it makes you better equipped to connect with and support others, as you learn to be kind to yourself, you can extend that kindness to those around you.

Overcoming the self-compassion barrier of lacking self-awareness is key to personal growth. In our busy lives, it's easy to lose touch with our thoughts and feelings, neglecting our own well-being. To counter this, start by dedicating time to mindfulness. Reflect on your thoughts and emotions through journaling and regular self-check-ins. When self-criticism or neglect arises, respond with kindness. Self-awareness and self-compassion go hand in hand, leading to improved self-care, happiness, and better relationships. It's not selfish; it's the path to a more fulfilling life.

As humans we have thousands of thoughts within our minds, and most tend to be negative. We're all born with a negativity bias to keep ourselves safe (think about it... if you're on a hike, is it more important to notice a mountain lion, or the beautiful flowers along the way?). Becoming aware of your thoughts is the first step to building self-compassion.

The only constant in our lives is change. While change involves getting outside of our comfort zones, it's an essential part of our growth. Practicing self-compassion is uncomfortable at first, but gets easier with practice.

I've found it helpful to embrace self-compassion as a tool for gradual personal growth. However, I disagree with the notion that self-compassion leads to discomfort with new feelings or behaviors; in my experience, it fosters self-assuredness. For instance, a colleague initially resisted self-compassion when facing career setbacks, fearing it might impede ambition. Yet, upon embracing it, they not only became more resilient but also uncovered new career opportunities. Self-compassion can facilitate adaptation, growth, and thriving in changing professional landscapes.

Overcoming barriers to self-compassion begins with challenging negative beliefs and practicing its key components: kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. The self-compassion break technique helps during stressful moments, and writing a self-compassion letter can combat feelings of inadequacy. For those facing persistent difficulties, professional help from a therapist or coach is invaluable. With these steps, you can cultivate greater self-kindness and understanding, paving the way for personal growth and improved well-being.

Know that it's okay if self-compassion doesn't come easily. We all have inner-critics within ourselves that way to protect us and keep us safe from change, shame, or from failing in front of others. When you learn how to practice forgiveness with your inner critic, that's where you can start building more self-compassion within.