'I understand that miscarriage happens but why me, why us and why again?' - mother tells her story

Those dates each year will never be the same again.

They are the dates when two more angels were added to the bright starry skies.  The days I lost our ever-precious and sought-after pregnancies. The days I miscarried.

The first time:

We were newlyweds, a few weeks back from honeymoon when I started craving milky substances.  I had the feeling some happy news was about to be shared.  A test was taken and the two lines showed. We were overjoyed, delighted, and ecstatic.  On my first pregnancy I was terrified and nervous and did not share the news for about six months.

This time was different we couldn’t wait to share the news.

We lived away from home, so we called our respective families with the good news.  They shared our excitement and joy.  On 11th October, 2014, I spoke to my employers to tell them the news before I left for home to tell the extended family and friends. I finished work at 3.30pm and as usual I used the bathroom before making the commute home.  It was the start of one of the most difficult times of my life.

I was ten weeks pregnant and bleeding.

The following day was filled with the anxious wait in the emergency department, where we were trying to get some answers.  We were given the news that I would have to return a few days later for a scan. The scans (internal and abdominal) showed a pregnancy sack measuring only six weeks... then the news that I would likely miscarry the pregnancy.  However they could not confirm this and I was asked to go home and return in a week.

For me a week seemed to be a lifetime away and it was very difficult news.

That evening I began bleeding heavier with some large clot-like material. Having a background in nursing I realised that I was more than likely having a miscarriage.

Being so far away from home was extremely difficult. I longed for a hug from my mam and the comforting words that my friends and family could offer. We immediately took time off work and travelled home.  It was at home following another scan that I got the confirmation that I had had a complete miscarriage.

“It happens in one in four pregnancies”, “its nature’s way”, “you will be able to try again”, “you’re only young”, “and you already have one child”.

These were the things that people were saying, in attempt to help.  I don’t think any words could have comforted the pain and loss I felt. I felt empty. Like a part of me was missing, nearly like I had lost a limb or a vital organ.

Having struggled with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts in my teenage years it was important to me to try and combat my feelings.  To help me with this I bought a journal and wrote in it whenever I felt the need. Getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper helped me to try and process the event.

How do you mark this pregnancy and loss? You have no baby to hold, no body to mourn, it’s very difficult to express how it feels to have a foetus in your womb and then to have lost this precious life.  I cried a lot, I wrote in my journal and I bought a special angel charm for my bracelet so that I will have my angel baby with me at all times.

The second time:

In the next three and a half years we were trying and struggling to conceive. Following some insistence on my behalf I was seen by a gynaecologist. Some tests were done and it was discovered that I was not ovulating each month and I was placed on medication to assist. Following three months of the medication I was scheduled to have a diagnostic operation to assess what was happening.  I had a pre-assessment appointment for March 6th, on the Friday before I took a pregnancy test and to my utter shock and excitement it was positive.  I was over the moon; in fact words could not express how overjoyed I was.

I had one week of pure happiness and excitement. Thinking of the future and how I was going to tell our daughter.  And then it happened again…

A gushing feeling one Friday night on sitting up from the sofa... and the appearance of red on the toilet paper. This night Friday 10th March, I was due to take our daughter to a Russian Ballet production of Sleeping Beauty.  I couldn’t cancel the birthday treat and needed to put on a brave face for her sake.

It was a difficult night trying to suppress the feelings of dread and anger that I had. The following Monday I had a scan which showed a small pregnancy sack, one that was too small to determine the viability. The bleeding had stopped over the weekend and I had a small glimmer of hope – bleeding can occur in early pregnancy and maybe all would be ok.

However from that night on the bleeding returned a small but steady flow. Friday 17th March – St. Patrick’s Day came, our daughter was looking forward to the parade and so we went.

That is when it happened; I knew that it had happened again.  I felt the emptiness that I felt before.

The following weeks, my thoughts were confirmed.

This time is different. I haven’t cried as much. Possibly I have not processed it fully yet and for me, my husband and our daughters sake I am trying to be strong. I understand that miscarriage happens but why me, why us and why again?

Our daughter recently told me, (the day after I miscarried) that her only wish is to have a brother or sister and it has never come true.  This made her very upset – and me. If only she knew the internal pain and anguish I felt at hearing her wish. She was acting differently to me sensing that there was something wrong but not understanding what.

We have now been pregnant three times with only one beautiful, living child. Once again this time I have added an angel charm to my bracelet to have and cherish from now on. My little angel babies have changed my life and outlook forever. I never thought that I would have a miscarriage, let alone two. Your plans do not always work the way you have planned.

Since initially writing this story...

Shortly after my second miscarriage, I once again saw those elusive words on the pregnancy test.  It happened so quickly after the second miscarriage that I still think I have not processed what happened correctly.

I am now in my third trimester and can safely say it has been the most nerve-wracking 20-plus weeks of my life.  I have not been able to enjoy this pregnancy like my first, every twinge and symptom seems to evoke frightening feelings within.  We are all overjoyed, and our daughters dream is finally coming true.  We are counting down the last 12 weeks with anticipation and looking forward to a very exciting Christmas.

However in these 12 weeks I have two very important dates to deal with - that of my first miscarriage and the due date of the baby lost at the second miscarriage.

To my babies, I love you all to the moon and back – those that I have held and those I have not.

To my family and friends I understand it’s difficult to find the words to help – there is no need, your support and kindness is more valuable.

* INM has a dedicated section independent.ie/babyloss where parents of all ages can share their stories of miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. The section will serve as a testament to the women and men who share their stories, a memorial for the babies lost and as a resource for other people who have gone through or are going through the experience.

Your stories can be anonymous or on the record and nothing will be published in any format without prior consultation with you. If you would like to be part of this and tell your story, email Yvonne Hogan at

yhogan@independent.ie.