The Fran Lebowitz Reader Quotes

“Think before you speak. Read before you think.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Sleep is death without the responsibility.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive – you are leaking.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Think before you speak, read before you think.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“That I am totally devoid of sympathy for, or interest in, the world of groups is directly attributable to the fact that my two greatest needs and desires — smoking cigarettes and plotting revenge — are basically solitary pursuits.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Perhaps the least cheering statement ever made on the subject of art is that life imitates it.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“I am not the type of person who wants to go back to the land I am the type who wants to got back to the hotel.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“فكر قبل أن تتكلم، واقرأ قبل أن تفكر”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Presently it appears that people are mainly concerned with being well rested. Those capable of uninterrupted sleep are much admired. Unconsciousness is in great demand. This is the day of the milligram.

The rigors of learning how to do long division have been a traditional part of childhood, just like learning to smoke. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the two go hand in hand. Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke. ”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“I am not a callous sort. I believe that all people should have warm clothing, sufficient food, and adequate shelter. I do feel, however, that unless they are willing to behave in an acceptable manner they should bundle up, chow down, and stay home.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Sarcasm: what they have in New York instead of jacuzzis.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“I open the refrigerator. I decide against the half a lemon and jar of Gulden’s mustard and on the spur of the moment choose instead to have breakfast out. I guess that’s just the kind of girl I am—whimsical. 5:10”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“First of all, nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong silent type.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one’s home.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“But alas, I do not rule the world and that, I am afraid, is the story of my life—always a godmother, never a God.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“Once upon a time, long, long ago, people wanted to be well spoken. Those capable of an elegant turn of phrase were much admired. Wit was in great demand. It was the day of the epigram. Time went on, and by and by it came to pass that people were chiefly interested in being well liked. Those capable of a firm handshake were much admired. Friendliness was in great demand. It was the day of the telegram. Presently it appears that people are mainly concerned with being well rested. Those capable of uninterrupted sleep are much admired. Unconsciousness is in great demand. This is the day of the milligram. Far be it from me to make noise while you’re asleep but I should like to notify you that you are under arrest for being boring.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader