Thomas's Reviews > White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism
White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism
by
by
![2018505](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1567953607p2/2018505.jpg)
Thomas's review
bookshelves: nonfiction, own-physical, five-stars, read-for-dmv-bookclub
Oct 18, 2019
bookshelves: nonfiction, own-physical, five-stars, read-for-dmv-bookclub
An excellent, powerful book I would recommend to all white people. It scares me a bit to write that because I imagine some white people may take offense to that statement (an emotional reaction Robin DiAngelo discusses in the book), and at the same time I stand by it. I will write a little about this book’s high quality, though I want to start with a personal story that may help explain why this book means a lot to me.
Around a year ago, I called a white woman colleague out on a behavior of hers that involved racism and colonization. Before I did so, I tried very hard to make sure that I delivered my concern in a gentle and affirming way. I put in extra effort to validate her as a person and I acted even nicer than perhaps I should have felt obligated to. This white woman asked me to meet in person after I emailed her my concern, and because I had trusted her, I agreed to this meeting.
In this meeting, this white woman displayed the exact set of behaviors DiAngelo describes in this book – white fragility. She said that she felt offended and hurt that I would accuse her of behaving in a colonizing/racist way. She said that no one in her life had ever or would ever call her out on this behavior. She said that I acted “aggressively” and that I should have “trusted” her more instead of blaming her. I want to reiterate that throughout this in-person meeting, I tried again and again to placate her with gentle reassurances while standing my ground. Still, she said that she felt hurt and centered her feelings over mine.
After this meeting, I felt devastated. I walked to my office, shut the door, and practiced a lot of deep breathing to calm down. I felt so misunderstood and tone-policed – I had just tried to offer this white woman gentle feedback on a problematic behavior, and she acted as if I had attacked her. Luckily, I was able to reach out to my friends (both people of color and white friends) who validated my experience and I read a ton of articles on tone-policing to understand that other people of color, especially black women, undergo the same discriminatory behavior.
I share this experience for the specific purpose of highlighting why I feel so grateful for Robin DiAngelo. Due to this incident and others, there are times where I feel fearful of sharing my true self and my authentic reactions around white people, because a lot of white people practice tone policing and white fragility. DiAngelo names these behaviors and explains how they hurt people of color. She breaks down the common ways white people collude in white supremacy, the problematic nature of the good/bad binary in relation to racism, and common racial triggers for white people. Here is a quote I appreciated about why white fragility acts as a form of bullying:
”White fragility functions as a form of bullying; I am going to make it so miserable for you to confront me – no matter how diplomatically you try to do so – that you will simply back off, give up, and never raise the issue again. White fragility keeps people of color in line and ‘in their place.’ In this way, it is a powerful form of white racial control. Social power is not fixed; it is constantly challenged and needs to be maintained. We might think of the triggers of white fragility discussed in chapter 7 as challenges to white power and control, and of white fragility as the means to end the challenge and maintain that power and control.”
I know that I should not applaud DiAngelo for doing the work that all white people should do, and again, I feel grateful to know that there are white people who will do the work of racial justice. Allies matter. For better or worse, white people listen to fellow white people more than they listen to people of color when it comes to racism, so we need white allies to show up to help dismantle white supremacy. Reading this book validated the experiences I have undergone as a person of color and helped reassure me that while there are a lot of white people who will hurt me, like the white woman in the incident described above, there are others, hopefully, who will use their privilege to fight for people of color. Here is another quote about how emotions are political and related to issues of social justice:
”Many of us see emotions as naturally occurring. But emotions are political in two key ways. First, our emotions are shaped by our biases and beliefs, our cultural frameworks. For example, if I believe – consciously or unconsciously – that it is normal and appropriate for men to express anger but not women, I will have very different emotional responses to men’s and women’s expressions of anger. I might see a man who expresses anger as competent and in charge and may feel respect for him, while I see a woman who expresses anger as childish and out of control and may feel contempt for her. If I believe that only bad people are racist, I will feel hurt, offended, and shamed when an unaware racist assumption of mine is pointed out. If I instead believe that having racist assumptions is inevitable (but possible to change), I will feel gratitude when an unaware racist assumption is pointed out; now I am aware of and can change that assumption. In this way, emotions are not natural; they are the result of the frameworks we are using to make sense of social relations. And of course, social relations are political. Our emotions are also political because they are often externalized; our emotions drive behaviors that impact other people.”
Again, highly recommended to all white people and also people of color interested in this topic. DiAngelo’s writing is clear, straightforward, and intelligent. She analyzes the issue of white fragility with great depth while providing tangible actions white people can take to address this issue. I hope white people who read this book will utilize its lessons and apply them to their own lives, whether or not anyone else watches. I hope that my fellow people of color know that you are not alone in experiencing white fragility and its painful repercussions.
Around a year ago, I called a white woman colleague out on a behavior of hers that involved racism and colonization. Before I did so, I tried very hard to make sure that I delivered my concern in a gentle and affirming way. I put in extra effort to validate her as a person and I acted even nicer than perhaps I should have felt obligated to. This white woman asked me to meet in person after I emailed her my concern, and because I had trusted her, I agreed to this meeting.
In this meeting, this white woman displayed the exact set of behaviors DiAngelo describes in this book – white fragility. She said that she felt offended and hurt that I would accuse her of behaving in a colonizing/racist way. She said that no one in her life had ever or would ever call her out on this behavior. She said that I acted “aggressively” and that I should have “trusted” her more instead of blaming her. I want to reiterate that throughout this in-person meeting, I tried again and again to placate her with gentle reassurances while standing my ground. Still, she said that she felt hurt and centered her feelings over mine.
After this meeting, I felt devastated. I walked to my office, shut the door, and practiced a lot of deep breathing to calm down. I felt so misunderstood and tone-policed – I had just tried to offer this white woman gentle feedback on a problematic behavior, and she acted as if I had attacked her. Luckily, I was able to reach out to my friends (both people of color and white friends) who validated my experience and I read a ton of articles on tone-policing to understand that other people of color, especially black women, undergo the same discriminatory behavior.
I share this experience for the specific purpose of highlighting why I feel so grateful for Robin DiAngelo. Due to this incident and others, there are times where I feel fearful of sharing my true self and my authentic reactions around white people, because a lot of white people practice tone policing and white fragility. DiAngelo names these behaviors and explains how they hurt people of color. She breaks down the common ways white people collude in white supremacy, the problematic nature of the good/bad binary in relation to racism, and common racial triggers for white people. Here is a quote I appreciated about why white fragility acts as a form of bullying:
”White fragility functions as a form of bullying; I am going to make it so miserable for you to confront me – no matter how diplomatically you try to do so – that you will simply back off, give up, and never raise the issue again. White fragility keeps people of color in line and ‘in their place.’ In this way, it is a powerful form of white racial control. Social power is not fixed; it is constantly challenged and needs to be maintained. We might think of the triggers of white fragility discussed in chapter 7 as challenges to white power and control, and of white fragility as the means to end the challenge and maintain that power and control.”
I know that I should not applaud DiAngelo for doing the work that all white people should do, and again, I feel grateful to know that there are white people who will do the work of racial justice. Allies matter. For better or worse, white people listen to fellow white people more than they listen to people of color when it comes to racism, so we need white allies to show up to help dismantle white supremacy. Reading this book validated the experiences I have undergone as a person of color and helped reassure me that while there are a lot of white people who will hurt me, like the white woman in the incident described above, there are others, hopefully, who will use their privilege to fight for people of color. Here is another quote about how emotions are political and related to issues of social justice:
”Many of us see emotions as naturally occurring. But emotions are political in two key ways. First, our emotions are shaped by our biases and beliefs, our cultural frameworks. For example, if I believe – consciously or unconsciously – that it is normal and appropriate for men to express anger but not women, I will have very different emotional responses to men’s and women’s expressions of anger. I might see a man who expresses anger as competent and in charge and may feel respect for him, while I see a woman who expresses anger as childish and out of control and may feel contempt for her. If I believe that only bad people are racist, I will feel hurt, offended, and shamed when an unaware racist assumption of mine is pointed out. If I instead believe that having racist assumptions is inevitable (but possible to change), I will feel gratitude when an unaware racist assumption is pointed out; now I am aware of and can change that assumption. In this way, emotions are not natural; they are the result of the frameworks we are using to make sense of social relations. And of course, social relations are political. Our emotions are also political because they are often externalized; our emotions drive behaviors that impact other people.”
Again, highly recommended to all white people and also people of color interested in this topic. DiAngelo’s writing is clear, straightforward, and intelligent. She analyzes the issue of white fragility with great depth while providing tangible actions white people can take to address this issue. I hope white people who read this book will utilize its lessons and apply them to their own lives, whether or not anyone else watches. I hope that my fellow people of color know that you are not alone in experiencing white fragility and its painful repercussions.
Sign into Goodreads to see if any of your friends have read
White Fragility.
Sign In »
Reading Progress
July 27, 2018
– Shelved
October 13, 2019
–
Started Reading
October 18, 2019
–
Finished Reading
Comments Showing 1-47 of 47 (47 new)
date
newest »
![Down arrow](https://cdn.statically.io/img/s.gr-assets.com/assets/down_arrow-1e1fa5642066c151f5e0136233fce98a.gif)
message 1:
by
Kaleah
(new)
Oct 18, 2019 09:42PM
![Kaleah](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1485824198p1/52357224.jpg)
reply
|
flag
![Florence Bernice](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1526225546p1/1831899.jpg)
![Thomas](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1567953607p1/2018505.jpg)
![Ebony Rose](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1558911567p1/9394683.jpg)
![Thomas](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1567953607p1/2018505.jpg)
![Christopher](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1340526125p1/10442705.jpg)
![Michael Perkins](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1454487234p1/13298726.jpg)
![Michael Perkins](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1454487234p1/13298726.jpg)
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
Black people across the diaspora asre descended from West Africans.
Barbary Pirates were part of the Ottoman Empire.
The Ottoman Empire was Arabic.
That awkward moment where your racist comment is nonsensical and irrelevant.
It has zero to do with this book,'
Just say you hate Black people and go.
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
Barbary Pirates are Berber Peoples you ignorant asshole.
They are Arabic by every definition of the word.
Nice try but you remain loud and wrong.
I also read your racist ass for filth.
I have a vast historical knowledge wanna try again.
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
I also LOVE that it took you 2 full hours to come back with yet MORE wrong history.
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
Barbary Pirates are Berber Peoples and Arabic.
Black people are descended from West Africans, not North Africans or Arabs.
You are wrong and racist and you have egg on your face.
I'm embarrassed for you.
![Blue](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1627755927p1/76510797.jpg)
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
I love how you are trying to turn this into a conversation or about dialogue.
You weren't trying to have dialogue or engage in a conversation.
You are literally a racist troll that left ahistorical racism on every open comment on this book.
I responded with actual facts and since you have no further facts to counter you are stuck looking like this.
How embarrassing for you
![Vanessa Murakami](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1473845190p1/57425091.jpg)
I love how you are trying to turn this into a conversation or about dialogue.
You weren't trying to have dialogue or engage in a conversation.
You are literally a..."
The only one showing her hatred and bad education to the world is you, love;)
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
Thanks for driving people to my review.
This exchange has greatly increased the likes on my review of this book.
That pushes my review to the top and means what I say will be seen more often and by more people than what you say:)
So I just wanted to take this time to thank you.
You didn't intend for your racist trolling to result in more people reading and liking my already top review for this book on this site.
I always appreciate the commitment that racists have to keeping my reviews relevant.
![Vanessa Murakami](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1473845190p1/57425091.jpg)
She insulted me countless times. Being Asian I took it personally just like she took it personally and started calling me a racist when her arguments fell flat. Calling people racist goes both ways, something she doesn't seem to understand. Nice for chipping in, though;)
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
My research has shown this to be true about Arabia based slavery.
What made the Atlantic Slave Trade different was that it was both inheritable and based on caste/race/color.
Thanks for your response.
![Blue](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1627755927p1/76510797.jpg)
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
I was sent a message asking me to stop engaging and just report her comments as spam since she is hitting multiple reviews with the same copy pasted paragraph.
Just fyi I think someone is already reporting her for trolling
![Vanessa Murakami](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1473845190p1/57425091.jpg)
Not gonna work. Been on GR for years. I'm no more troll than you are, love.
![Eric](https://cdn.statically.io/img/s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_25x33-ccd24e68f4773d33a41ce08c3a34892e.png)
“But I’m not guilty,” said K. “there’s been a mistake. How is it even possible for someone to be guilty? We’re all human beings here, one like the other.”
“That is true” said the priest “but that is how the guilty speak”
― Franz Kafka, The Trial
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
I'm really tired of the racist trolls on the reviews for this book.
![Thomas](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1567953607p1/2018505.jpg)
I'm really tired of the racist trolls on the reviews for this book."
Hi Lois - I really appreciate this solidarity and your validating of my experience. I don't have the capacity to engage with comments that are bigoted so I've chosen to pretty much just not to, but I wanted to quickly let you know I appreciate you and your energy a lot.
Also, now that I'm scrolling up - Michael, Amy, Allison, and Liz, thank you so much for your compassionate comments too! I'm so grateful and please know your words do motivate me to continue writing reviews on here in the style that I do.
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
I'm really tired of the racist trolls on the reviews for this book."
Hi Lois - I really appreciate this solidarity and your validat..."
You all are SO very welcome.
I'm glad that you rest rather than be driven to engage.
I only engage for entertainment purposes and when I've had my fun I move on.
As Toni Morrison said, “The function, the very serious function of racism is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.”
'There will always be one more thing' to prove and you can not allow your peace and joy to be stolen.
![Matt](https://cdn.statically.io/img/s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/m_25x33-8a3530ed95c3dbef8bf215b080559b09.png)
I'm really tired of the racist trolls on the reviews for this book."
Hi Lois - I really appreciate this solidarity a..."
Lois wrote: "Vanessa wrote: "bullshit and lies
I love how you are trying to turn this into a conversation or about dialogue.
You weren't trying to have dialogue or engage in a conversation.
You are literally a..."
You're a sociopath. Please see a psychiatrist.
![Matt](https://cdn.statically.io/img/s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/m_25x33-8a3530ed95c3dbef8bf215b080559b09.png)
You're a racist troll, please eat shit and die mad.
Thanks!"
Rofl? Who said I'm mad? Can you telepathically detect emotions now? What an incredible ability.
Also, calling someone racist doesn't actually mean it's true, not to mention your consistent insults just show how much of an effect your antisocial personality disorder affects your behaviour. Please get it checked out.
![Eric](https://cdn.statically.io/img/s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_25x33-ccd24e68f4773d33a41ce08c3a34892e.png)
I'm really tired of the racist trolls on the reviews for this book."
The book is racist. Supporting the book is racist.
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
Whelp it appears you are mad enough to troll me on someone else's review.
As James Baldwin said, 'I can't believe what you say because I see what you do.'
As to calling me crazy it's no less than I expect from a racist like yourself.
The other common white supremacist myths are that I can't read or didn't read the book.
Yawn.
Boring.
It's almost like you racists have to share a brain.
Fuck you and do fuck off!
![Lois](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1524498121p1/1105306.jpg)
LMFAO!!!!!!
You are the fucking epitome of white fragility and that you would come on the review of this book to make this statement.
LOL!
The jokes just write themselves with you racist turds.
LOL!
![Xander](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1713647025p1/60074558.jpg)
This is one of the major symptoms of a severe narcissistic personality disorder. I.e. objectifying your own feelings and acting like they are universal measuring rod. Particularly acting (passive) aggressive towards those that disagree - because you feel threatened in your ego.
There is no 'colonizing behavior' - this is a fiction. What happened was another human being acted in a way that offended you and you felt hurt because of this encounter. Instead of owning up to your vulnerability and standing up for yourself, you crouch back into your own mind and start projecting labels onto the other. The other is the problem, not you - how convenient.
You're a narcissist, mate. Just like your fellow 'ideologues'. Luckily for you there are therapies for that.
![Sea Nettles](https://cdn.statically.io/img/images.gr-assets.com/users/1405285311p1/33035703.jpg)