Humourous Quotes

“No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away...”
― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

“Seniors get to do all the jolly things," Owen complained as they walked to archery practice that first day.

Neal glared at the chubby second-year with all the royal disdain of a vexed lion. He was limping from a staff blow to the knee. "You are a bloody minded-savage," he informed Owen sternly. "I hope you are kidnapped by centaurs.”
― Tamora Pierce, Page

“Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
― Samuel Beckett

“In Lucy's eyes, a penis that doesn't grow, is a very ungrateful penis.”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Uck It List

“Fuck the pack. I gave them fifteen years of my life. I fought for them, bled for them, and the moment my back was turned, they attacked my wife. I owe them nothing.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays

“Donde, he offered a piece of candy to a little
   boy.”
― Kyle Keyes, Under the Bus

“She nodded, grabbed her purse out of the drawer and skedaddled, walking like she was on a catwalk, one foot in front of the other, her ass swaying under the skirt of her expensive, tailored suit.
Bitch. I thought again, watching her go.
“No comparison,” Luke said after the door closed behind Dawn and I turned to him.
“Excuse me?”
“Dawn’s a man eater. You’re not. No comparison,” Luke answered and I didn’t know how to take that.
“Is that good?”
The half-smile came back.
“Most men prefer to do the eating.”
Holy fucking cow.”
― Kristen Ashley, Rock Chick Redemption

“Rose is in red,
But never in blue,
Sharp as a thorn,
Fights like one too.”
― Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

“Honestly I don't know why i have these parties"

"Because of your cat"

"That's true. Chairman Meow deserves my every effort”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I thought you were a drunk."
"A drunk?"
"Bloodshot eyes, dirty clothes, getting home in the wee hours of the morning, making a lot of
noise, grouchy all the time as if you had a hangover… what else was I to think?"
He rubbed his face. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. I should have showered, shaved, and dressed in a
suit before I came out to tell you that you were making enough noise to raise the dead.”
― Linda Howard, Mr. Perfect

“Ari, maybe we should get you out of here. No joke. You really are dangerous with thus truth serum in you, You might sat something you wished you hadn't."
"Like that your mum scares me, but I think your dad is kind of cute in and old-guy sort of way?"
"Exactly like that."
"Eh. I'm not worried.”
― Bridget Zinn, Poison

“Look, sir, I know Angua. She's not the useless type. She doesn't stand there and scream helplessly. She makes other people do that.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“The boldest of the three moved suddenly, grabbed Angua and pulled her upright. "We walk out of here unharmed or the girl gets it, all right?" he snarled.

Someone sniggered.

"I hope you're not going to kill anyone," said Carrot.

"That's up to us!"

"Sorry, was I talking to you?" said Carrot.”
― Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

“I don’t suppose you’d want to go destroy some evil, would you? the voice said. I’m not really sure what that means, to be honest. I’ll just trust you to decide.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker

“She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species.”
― Christopher Moore

“Do you realise how much trouble you're in?"
"Perhaps I'll have some Weetabix after all.”
― Anthony Horowitz, Scorpia

“The trouble with eating Italian is that 5 or 6 days later, you're hungry again.”
― George Miller

“That's part of your curse. To drive men mad with desire and feel no pleasure".

"Great," I muttered. "And all this time I thought I was frigid.”
― Kristina Douglas, Demon

“Universities are renowned for their tolerance of unusual characters, especially if they show originality and dedication to their research. I have often made the comment that not only are universities a 'cathedral' for worship of knowledge, they are also 'sheltered workshops' for the socially challenged.”
― Tony Attwood, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome

“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger

“Did you know? There are three major milestones in human evolution. One, the discovery of fire; two, the invention of the wheel; three, the creation of budget airlines.”
― Merlin Franco, Saint Richard Parker

“My eyes bulged out of my head as I saw what rested between his hips. “Good Lord!” I said without thinking. A forked penis will do that to a girl. He glanced down at the appendage and smiled knowingly. “Once you go demon you never go back.”
― Jaye Wells, Red-Headed Stepchild

“What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
― Stephen King, The Waste Lands

“Let's chow, and then we'll get our books," Tony said. Just as the door was about to close behind us, he added, "You act like you've never had food before.”
― Rebecca Maizel, Infinite Days

“I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.”
― Carroll Bryant

“A streak of green fire blasted out of the back of the shed, passed a foot over the heads of the mob, and burned a charred rosette in the woodwork over the door.

Then came a voice that was a honeyed purr of sheer deadly menance.

"This is Lord Mountjoy Quickfang Winterforth IV, the hottest dragon in the city. It could burn your head clean off."

Captain Vimes limped forward from the shadows. A small and extremely frightened golden dragon was clamped firmly under one arm. His other hand held it by the tail. The rioters watched it, hypnotized.

"Now I know what you're thinking," Vimes went on, softly. "You're wondering, after all this excitement, has it got enough flame left? And, y'know, I ain't so sure myself..."

He leaned forward, sighting between the dragon's ears, and his voice buzzed like a knife blade: "What you've got to ask yourself is: Am I feeling lucky?”
― Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

“The Librarian swung on. It was slow progress, because there were things he wasn't keen on meeting. Creatures evolved to fill every niche in the environment, and some of those in the dusty immensity of L-space were best avoided. They were much more unusual than ordinary unusual creatures.

Usually he could forewarn himself by keeping a careful eye on the kickstool crabs that grazed harmlessly on the dust. When they were spooked, it was time to hide. Several times he had to flatten himself against the shelves as a thesaurus thundered by. He waited patiently as a herd of Critters crawled past, grazing on the contents of the choicer books and leaving behind them piles of small literary criticism. And there were other things, things which he hurried away from and tried not to look hard at...

And you had to avoid cliches at all costs.”
― Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

“You see," said Colon, "thieves are organized here. I mean, it's official. They're allowed a certain amount of thieving. Not that they do much these days, mind you. If you pay them a little premium every year they give you a card and leave you alone. Saves time and effort all around."

"And all thieves are members?" said Angua.

"Oh, yes," said Carrot. "Can't go thieving in Ankh-Morpork without a Guild permit. Not unless you've got a special talent."

"Why? What happens? What talent?" she said.

"Well, being able to survive being hung upside down from one of the gates with your ears nailed to your knees," said Carrot.”
― Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

“I wonder what's the difference between ordinary councillors and privy councillors?" wondered the merchant aloud.

The assassin scowled at him. "I think," he said, "it is because you're expected to eat shit.”
― Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

“Vanessa was deprived of her hormones in prison and thus retained several male characteristics that would have been less evident otherwise, most notably her voice. While she spoke in a high, little-girl voice most of the time, she could switch at will to a booming, masculine Richard-voice. She loved to sneak up behind people and scare the crap out of them this way, and she was very effective at quieting a noisy dining hall, roaring, "Y'all hush up!" Best of all were her Richardian encouragements on the softball field, where she was a sought-after teammate. That bitch could hit.”
― Piper Kerman, Orange Is the New Black