1. The Coma Patient
Not someone in need of medical attention; merely someone in transit, off a long-haul flight, and in such desperate need of sleep that he or she is willing to cast all dignity aside and fall to the floor in an unconscious heap. If you were to see such a person anywhere else - a public park or the entrance to a dark alley - sprawled headlong on the ground, fully dressed, their belongings scattered about them, you might very well imagine the worst and summon the emergency services. In an airport, you just step quietly over their curled-up or outstretched limbs.
2. The Morning Drunk
Possibly on the way to becoming a coma patient in the medical sense. As often seen in the business- and first-class lounges as in less rarefied nooks of the airport. Well-heeled travellers gleefully, greedily avail themselves of the 'free' intoxicants on offer alongside the cappuccino machine and the neatly arranged boxes of herbal teas. Airports have a peculiarly liberating effect on certain aspects of human behavior, such as the notion that it is all right to get sozzled before breakfast, and an inhibiting effect on others, such as basic good manners and common courtesy. What would Alain de Botton have to say about this?
3. The Mad Hatter
Not a reference to actual headgear, though much could be said on that subject too. Typically the Mad Hatter is one whose sense of perpetual lateness - with the consequent fear of missing a flight and life somehow falling apart at the seams - is almost always a state of mind rather than a response to temporal reality. He or she is breathless and flushed, forever rushing towards a departure gate, where the queue will turn out to be unmoving.
4. The Gadget Addict
Hooked on the idle pleasures of 'mobile electronic devices' (as the voice on the safety video will describe them). Idle, but not necessarily mindless pleasures. He or she may be reading Proust on that iPhone, not playing Candy Crush Saga, so avoid making any premature assumptions.
5 and 6. The Flustered Parents
Mum and Dad, gamely struggling to marshal the troops. Their struggle is more or less bound, in the face of delay, hunger or illness, to end in gales of tears and howls of misery. The Flustered Parents command sympathy from fellow travellers, at least initially; but after a certain point their struggle becomes the common struggle of all within earshot. The Flustered Parents are also, these days, Gadget Addicts. Observe in particular the use of the iPad as a narcotic to pacify the little natives when they begin to grow restless.
7. The Soft-Textures Wearer
Found across all parts of the airport. Almost always female, though with several sub-species. She may be festooned in a lovely pashmina, Loro Piana cardigan and Diane von Furstenberg-esque cotton wrap. Or she may sport trackie-bums, a fleece and baseball cap.
8. Dressed for Destination
Distantly related to the foregoing, though more inclined to think beyond the immediate physical discomfort of the journey itself to the environment waiting at its end. Often those Dressed for Destination are the jolliest and most cheering of airport sights - and indeed of travellers. Incongruous, faintly clown-like, all fiesta-ed up for that trip to Mexico, even while stranded in the Costa Coffee bar in rain-lashed Luton, waiting for their flight to be called.
9. The Business-Class Creative
Almost invariably male. At first glance easily mistaken for a student or a contender in an X-Factor audition (carefully tousled hair, 'ironic' T-shirt, frayed jeans, Converse All-Stars). However, upon closer inspection he reveals himself to be some kind of bigshot, probably in advertising, technology or the media. Indeed, close inspection is seldom required to reach this conclusion - the information will generally be volunteered to the rest of the lounge, in a loud voice, with tell-tale references to 'clients', 'accounts', meetings conducted in well-known restaurants or exotic locations, etc.
10. The Mobile-Office Slave
Possibly the most pitiable of airport types. A half-sibling of the Gadget Addict, minus the sense of fun that the gamer or Kindle-user enjoys and projects. Frequently observed pounding the keys of his or her computer, as if deadlines not jet aircraft were flying by on the other side of the waiting-lounge window. Appearance-wise, the Mobile-Office Slave looks distressingly like the person writing, right now, the article that you are reading, right now - tall, skinny, glasses, hunched over a MacBook in a quiet corner of Reykjavik airport. What's the matter with this guy? Can't he just switch off his laptop for a few minutes and look around? Doesn't he know there are so many interesting people to watch in airports?
Steve King is our Editor-at-large
