Anyone who has talked to me IRL or online knows I’ve spoken in abbreviations since the beginning of time, a.k.a. 1993. I’d spend hours crafting my buddy profile in neon-pink Impact typeface that would have all of my BFF’s names underneath. I’d write HAGS in the yearbook of that kid I had that one class with that one time. I’d write LYLAS in the countless cards of Hebrew school friends whose bat mitzvahs I’d attend. And a few years later, I get to use this acquired skill as the associate social media manager of Bon Appétit. Even my mom cannot escape it.
So when I heard Molly Baz talking about this thing called TOTES toast, I was excited AF to make it. TOTES stands for tuna, olives, tomato, eggs, shallot. It’s a niçoise salad, hold the lettuce, perched atop a piece of crusty sourdough bread, living its truth.
If this were 2010, we would be in the version of Facebook that let you have a teeny-tiny bio underneath your profile picture, and mine probably would’ve said something like <3 ToAsT LoVr <3 because I love toast THAT much. I’ve written about it on BonAppetit.com, posted it on my Instagram, and gotten several looks from coworkers when the smell of burning breadcrumbs wafts through the office at 10:30 a.m.
I prefer to eat TOTES toast at home because it’s piled high with fun things. It’s messy. But first, we’re frying up some bread because it needs to be sturdy enough to support all of the things that are about to go on top of it.
Then we need to mix up the paprika-spiked mayo that consists of mayo (Hellmann’s or Duke’s only, plz), paprika, grated garlic, and red wine vinegar. The red wine vinegar cuts the fat in the mayo, and the spice in the paprika wakes up your senses enough to remind you of the privilege that is eating TOTES toast. Next, toss thinly sliced shallots and tomatoes in some lemon juice; I use cherry tomatoes here because it isn’t peak tomato season in NYC.
Other toppings: cured black olives from the antipasto bar at Whole Foods, olive oil–packed tuna (the good stuff), and 8-minute eggs. At this point, I took a photo of my mise en place for my Instagram story.
Order of assembly: mayo, tuna, olives, tomato-shallot mixture with some of the juices, sliced eggs, flaky salt, and pepper.
Finish it with your favorite torn herbs and a glug of EVOO. Turn on your favorite show (Jersey Shore season 3) and tell your friends you’ll TTYL.
And if you’re thinking that all of these acronyms are getting to be too much, let me share this inspiring message exchange between Bon Appétit editor in chief Adam Rapoport and me after discussing a very pressing Instagram matter:
Like an acronym, life is short! Save the time you spent by skipping all of those full-length words and make some toast.
