Welcome to Delicious or Distressing, where we rate recent food memes, videos, and other decidedly unserious news. Last week we discussed bankrupt Crumbs Cupcakes being resuscitated for $300.
It feels like only yesterday when Ozempic barreled into the public domain. Now, it’s evidently become a catchall for all things diet culture. Case in point: a homemade cookie dough that supposedly “works like the natural version of Ozempic.” As deeply troubling as that claim is on its own, it’s made exponentially more so when it’s heralded to millions of TikTok’s notoriously impressionable users.
Meanwhile, Starbucks released a new bumblebee cake pop—and in no capacity other than color does the cake pop look like a bee, I hate to report. I have to wonder, as I often do, how many rounds of approval this design passed before hitting stores. People attending the Miami Grand Prix have reportedly been subject to Fyre Festival–esque treatment, shelling out lots of money for very subpar food. Finally, the TikTok-verse was absolutely shocked to learn, this week, that British Chinese takeout is very much different from the kind we’re used to here in the States. Globalization is fallible!
Here’s everything else new in food internet culture this week.
A viral cookie dough recipe claims to “work like Ozempic”
One TikToker claims to have created a cookie dough that’s a natural alternative to Ozempic, the weight-loss miracle drug that’s gotten a lot of attention in recent months. The “cookie dough” mixture allegedly releases the same “gut hormone” as Ozempic and can help you stay full for longer. I don’t know whether I believe the health and weight loss claims in the first place (TikTok is battling all sorts of health misinformation), but one thing I do know: The mixture, which is protein powder, coconut powder, oat milk, and oats with a single Oreo crumbled on top, is...definitely not cookie dough. Let’s call this what it is: protein powder gruel with an Oreo mixed in. Maybe this is the miracle weight-loss gruel you’ve been waiting for (probably not, though), but as a nutrition health coach told the New York Post, “If you’re hungry, eat. Suppressing our appetite isn’t a good thing. We receive hunger cues for a reason.” This news is getting a 5/5 distressing. —Sam Stone, staff writer
Does Starbucks’ new cake pop look like a happy bumblebee or depressed cat?
Death, taxes, and Starbucks introducing a new menu item—see: olive oil cold foam that some people got sick after drinking. This time, it’s not a coffee beverage that has inspired the internet’s ire—it’s a cake pop that we’re being told is a bumblebee. To the fine people at the Starbucks corporation I have one thing to say: Mama didn’t raise no fool. I have seen a bumblebee once or twice in my life, and that cake pop is no bumblebee. If I had to compare it to anything, it would be a cat with an anxiety disorder. I mean, this thing has pointed ears! And something about its eyes, open wide with fear, staring back at you; its forced swoop of a smile, fixed onto its unmoving face. Someone get this cake pop a Klonopin ASAP! I’m giving this cake pop identity crisis a buttercream-y 2.2/5 delicious. —S.S.
Miami Grand Prix’s overpriced menu has Fyre Festival vibes
You’ve heard of the $30 shrimp cocktail—now get ready for the $500 chilled prawn. Also, the $300 steamed buns, $450 lobster rolls, and $295 “fruit refresher,” which consists of pineapple, watermelon, rambutan, kiwi, and unspecified “stone fruit.” This is the menu of the recent Miami Grand Prix. Yes, okay, the prices are for four people. No, the dishes do not include a side of rare gems, as you might reasonably still assume. A $42 Wagyu steak sandwich with four slices of ham and no other fillings aside from a sinister brown sauce? In this economy? It’s giving, Fyre Festival. It’s giving, nobody is exempt from the effects of demand-pull inflation and the declining purchasing power of the American dollar. Oh, well! 3.8/5 distressing. —Karen Yuan, culture editor
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Americans are horrified by British Chinese takeout on TikTok
On TikTok, some English food influencers recently shared videos of Chinese takeout that are horrifying American viewers. The orders consist of chicken balls, chow mein, fries, and curry sauce. They look very gooey and gloppy, which is why people seem to be outraged. Also, the takeout is apparently not “authentic.” I am somewhat unsettled that we are still splitting hairs over authenticity in 2023 when General Tso is making chicken and Panda Express is serving angus steak. Nothing is authentic, everything is delicious. Society has advanced by now to embrace all cultures and foods, even English ones. My advice to the haters: Eat a chicken ball and practice meditation. Try to enjoy life! 3.9/5 delicious curry sauce. —K.Y.