Peeps, Already Controversial, Apparently Contain a Cancer-Causing Dye

Welcome to Delicious or Distressing, where we rate recent food memes, videos, and other decidedly unserious news. Last week we discussed the woolly mammoth meatball that cowardly scientists are too afraid to eat. 

Peeps, the popular yet incredibly divisive marshmallow candy, unfortunately have many strikes against them. Conceptually, I have to admit I find it somewhat upsetting to take a chomp out of a baby chick (with eyes, no less!). The experience is only made worse by the strangely tough marshmallow and the sticky sweet sugar that gets everywhere. Not to absolutely drag Peeps to hell, but there is no candy that makes me feel ill faster. Now Peeps get one more strike: Carcinogenic chemicals have been found in their dyes, according to Consumer Reports. (The news didn't stop The New York Times from recently touring a Peeps factory—please be careful, New York Times!)

In other news: Gwyneth Paltrow chose a particularly mid brand of bottled water for her iconic court appearances—though I'm really not in a position to pass judgment on someone's water choices. Please, hydrate in any way you see fit. To quote Gwyneth back to herself: I wish you well! Also important to discuss: Is it a faux pas to leave a dinner to buy a thing of ranch dressing for your meal? My head says yes, but my heart....also says yes. And Pizza Hut Taiwan has somehow swindled customers into buying a pizza that is not a pizza. Is it an April Fools’ joke or very obvious con—you’re going to have to read on and decide because I just had a full sleeve of Peeps and I think I need to go to the hospital. —Sam Stone, staff writer

Peeps allegedly contain known carcinogens

I’m a nondiscriminatory chocolate person; give me a Mars bar, a Cadbury Creme Egg, or even a block of the wellness stuff laced with reishi mushrooms and I will happily eat it. However, I’m less obsessed with candy, and I hate marshmallows (like eating sweet, flavorless sponges). This is why I feel duty-bound to tell you why Peeps, a perplexingly popular, vile-looking Easter treat, are most likely carcinogenic (some of them, at least). 

On Monday customer advocacy nonprofit Consumer Reports advised Americans that purple and pink Peeps marshmallow bunnies are made with Red Dye No. 3, which is known to cause cancer in animals and has been banned by the FDA from use in cosmetics since 1990. (Though children are still allowed to house fistfuls of candy containing the stuff???) In total, the report named nine products made by Peeps’ parent company, Just Born Quality Confections, containing the questionable ingredient, including Hot Tamales candy and Party Cake Peeps. “We manufacture all our candies in compliance with FDA regulations, sourcing our ingredients and packaging exclusively from reputable suppliers who adhere to high quality and safety standards,” the company defended itself in a statement.

Consumer Reports is petitioning the FDA to have the dye banned in all food production, which! I agree. The health of our youngins is important. But while we’re at it, can we also ban Peeps in general? 4.7/5 distressing for the feral Easter bunnies. —Ali Francis, staff writer

Gwyneth Paltrow is drinking the Madewell of water brands

Much was (rightly) made out of the succession of Succession-chic outfits worn by Gwyneth Paltrow this week, in which she vanquished her erstwhile ski-crash foe before a Utah court. Less attention was paid, however, to the green bottle of mineral water she was toting, produced by Mountain Valley Spring Water of Arkansas, the increasingly ubiquitous VC-grown brand found in every healthy-ish grocery store in America. 

This is most decidedly not giving abundant intentionality from Gwyneth. Were her section of H20 on par with her choice of “stealth wealth” court wear, she would be drinking Borjomi of Georgia, Svalbardin of Norway, or even Castle Rock, sourced from Mount Shasta in her beloved home state of California. Instead her choice of mineral water evokes a last-minute Park City Whole Foods moment, as endured by a likely beleaguered assistant. It’s the aqueous equivalent of wearing Madewell to the cross-examination. Because we know she can do so much better, this earns a rating of distressing on a scale of 2.1 out of 5. —Jordan Michelman, BA contributor

AITA for bringing a bottle of ranch to a restaurant?

Initially when I heard that there was ranch discourse, I got defensive. I love ranch dressing. I dip chicken tenders in it, and I douse pizza crust with it. If there’s a veggie platter or buffalo chicken dip in sight, it’s ranch (and not bleu cheese) that I seek. The defensiveness is sometimes necessary: Apparently many non-Americans look at ranch the way that some Americans treat “foreign” foods like escargot or tendon—they think ranch is fucking gross and weird. But I must say, in this case of “Am I the Asshole,” one person took their love for ranch too far. They claim that when a restaurant said it had none to offer, they went out and bought their own to accompany the meal. Their date was aghast. I understand. My fellow ranch lover… sit down! Though I too would put ranch on an unspeakable number of food items, if a restaurant does not serve ranch, it is because you are not supposed to have it with the food. Us ranch lovers need to show that we can operate in wider adult society, and unfortunately you are doing us no favors. 4.7/5 distressing. —Serena Dai, editorial director

Pizza Hut Taiwan launches flavorless pizza for April Fools’ Day

For April Fools' Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan rolled out a “flavorless” pizza. What is a “flavorless” pizza, you ask? An A+ sequel to “none pizza with left beef”? Yes. But also: It's just a giant crust hole with nothing inside. This sounds distressing at first—but if you think about it... it's basically a giant breadstick (breadcircle?) waiting to be dipped in ranch, brushed with butter and topped with salt for a DIY pretzel, or turned into croutons for soup! Call me an optimist who makes the most of what life gives her, but this gets a 5/5 delicious from me. —Esra Erol, senior social media manager