How to prepare to talk with my advisor about concluding our relationship before the defense?

Question

I'm in the last semester of my PhD program and trying to pull together my dissertation, which has not been going well for the past 2 years.

I shoulder most of the responsibility for this situation, but have realized that my advisor has contributed to some of my challenges by: (1) missing an entire summer's worth of meetings last year; (2) offering writing process advice as "just write and you'll figure it out"; (3) practicing a very hands-off approach in general with no requirements to submit writing and no inquiries as to why writing isn't coming in; (4) and signing off on a summer defense three weeks ago but now suggesting that will not be possible at all. To add to the working style challenges, my advisor left my home institution last spring and is now employed elsewhere.

Again, I take responsibility for every mistake I have made during this process and I feel terrible. I also don't want to focus on my advisor's shortcomings (whether they're real or if I'm just making these things up as problems). I'm particularly stressed because I do have a teaching track offer in hand and, while the position does not require the PhD, they do prefer it. I said I'd finish when interviewing with them, I want to finish for myself, and I have this sinking feeling that my advisor does not. In our last exchange, they suggested I think deeply about trying to finish at all, given that my job doesn't technically require the degree.

I do plan to talk with one of my committee members in a couple of weeks. They have expressed serious frustration with my advisor and have offered to step in and help me finish as they not only believe that I can but that I deserve the support to do so. I am hopeful that our conversation will be one in which we acknowledge my mistakes and the serious limitations on the project, but that we can also find a way to work together as positively and productively as possible.

If that is the case, I imagine I will need to initiate the conversation about concluding my relationship with my current advisor at this very late hour. I am OK with the conversation not going well; I am OK with my advisor blaming me.

I would love any advice, however, on how to approach this conversation logistically. Scripts, things to say, things to not say ... advice to make this as smooth as possible, given what it is.

Answer 1

From your question, you're pinning a lot of expectations on this (presumably quite difficult) meeting. My advice to you is to divide and conquer: make it more manageable by breaking down the individual components of what you need an reassigning a few to more apt channels.

• Get an overview of graduation logistics

From a formal, technical point of view, what is still standing between you and the PhD? Do you still need to write parts of the thesis and/or get scientific feedback? Assuming you magically had a complete manuscript tomorrow, what other logistics would need to happen and in what timeframe could they take place? Try to make a rough map of what needs to happen, and when you would like it to happen.

• Lean on your sympathetic committee member

Reading between the lines, it would seem to me that your committee member wants to step up and support you where your supervisor failed to do so. Take them up on that! Meet with them, and ask them to help you with the plan from the previous step. They can also offer you feedback on your thesis, and (informally) take over the tasks your supervisor would usually do at this point.

• Have meetings with your supervisor

Your post title discusses severing the relationship. I'm not sure that this is the path that will serve you best. Your endgame here is to graduate- to be blunt, since you're already writing up, you just need this person to a) not obstruct your graduation and b) sign a form, with bonus points for c) turn up at the defence. It would be nice if they also provide feedback on the thesis, but you seem to have a supportive and active committee. Keep your supervisor in the loop- meet with them, ask them to read the thesis, but also tell them that you've been working with [your committee members] and the plan is for you to graduate in [describe plan from previous steps].

I realize that the approach I recommended probably sounds like I'm missing the point. You brought up a lot of negative and difficult aspects: like blame, mistakes and serious limitations in the project, previous failures in supervision. Those are absolutely things you should work through- but not in these conversations. Talk to your friends, talk to a personal mentor, take some time not thinking about the PhD to clear your head. But trying to perform an autopsy on a PhD that's not even dead will derail conversations that should be about moving forward.

Answer 2

I'm going to be a little bit blunt here.

I shoulder most of the responsibility for this situation... Again, I take responsibility for every mistake I have made during this process and I feel terrible... I am hopeful that our conversation will be one in which we acknowledge my mistakes...

You're doing an awful lot of self-flagellation here, and frankly it sounds self-indulgent and kind of stupid. You've got numerous really obvious failings from the supervisor, including them leaving your institution and worse, reneging on a formal commitment for a defense date. You have another faculty advisor who's on record as, "They have expressed serious frustration with my advisor". And yet you're spending time thrashing yourself and wanting to spend more time in an upcoming meeting wallowing in your supposed missteps.

My first tip for preparing is: Stop it right now. All of this self-pity is a waste of time and energy. Get over yourself. Your advisor has kind of screwed you; follow the other advisor and say it out loud. Listen to the other advisor about what proactive steps can be taken and do them. Nothing else matters.

(Frankly I have a hard time understanding posters here who do this savage-themselves act to avoid saying someone screwed them. It's intellectually dishonest.)

Top-performing people dust themselves off and push forward to find ways to succeed. They don't keep rehashing failures.

I imagine I will need to initiate the conversation about concluding my relationship with my current advisor...

Stop imagining problems. It's unproductive and self-defeating. Like other commentators, I don't see as how this melodramatic scene is necessary.

You have a replacement advisor who thinks you deserve a PhD and wants to help make that happen. You're in a great position despite a failing initial advisor. Take the new advisor's counsel, do what they say, and stop getting in your own way.

Also get some exercise, you might be depressed.