Annah Feinberg
We Regret to Inform You That You’re Still Just a Person
Congratulations on your Pulitzer! Unfortunately, the automated D.M.V. queue doesn’t care for nuanced storytelling.
Where to Waste Your Wild and Precious Life
Wipe down the kitchen counter again. Sit in every chair at the furniture warehouse.
Untested Solutions to the Housing Crisis
Single-family flying homes, a nationwide roof, and other great ideas.
The Imaginary Bugs Behind Your Phantom Itches
Someone uttered the word “flea” three days ago, and you’ve been itching ever since.
But I Can’t Complain
Hot tip: whenever you’re feeling down, think about the worst things that could ever happen to a person.
D.I.Y. Fixes for Your Broken Dreams
Did you want to be famous for some reason? Earn a shit ton of money? Travel the world?
The Owies and Boo-Boos of Serious Men
Just because these men are strong, successful, and sombre doesn’t mean they don’t hurt just like you and me.
Problems with TV in 2033
Reality TV is news, news is comedy, and sitcoms are fantasy.
Hell Is Other People’s People
Offenders include your assistant’s long-distance boyfriend and your hair stylist’s hair stylist.
What Is Time?
Is it the zipper on a too-tight dress? Is it your ex’s disembodied hair? Is it a rodent that does not yet exist?
Plant-Based Alternatives for the Cannibal Palate
A surprising number of ingredients taste like human remains.
Animal Behaviors I’ve Adopted as My Own
Flying into windows, howling at the moon, retracting into a shell, and other unusual doings for an unusual time.
Thirsty Texts from All Your Ex-Clothes
“Been thinking about how you used to spill things on me. Didn’t think I’d miss it this much.”
All The Ways I Failed to Spend My Massive Wealth
I divorced my wife so she could get half my money. But she refused all assets.
The Second-Best Me I Could Possibly Be
Do one thing a day that will not help you achieve a goal of any kind.
School Supplies for Post-School Adults
Existential-spiral notebooks, every-choice-you-make-is-permanent markers, and more.
Brands Targeting Real Women Living in a Simulation
Holographic Period Panties, Glitchy Fitness Mirror, Hypothetical Pink Razor, and more.
Contestants on “The Bachelor” in an Apocalyptic Future
“I’m looking for someone to light up my life, because I haven’t seen the sun in years.”—Barb, twenty-four, bunker blogger.
The Secret Tattoos of the Trump Administration
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the White House press secretary, keeps the most honest part of her—her Abe Lincoln shoulder tat—covered up during briefings.
We Regret to Inform You That You’re Still Just a Person
Congratulations on your Pulitzer! Unfortunately, the automated D.M.V. queue doesn’t care for nuanced storytelling.
Where to Waste Your Wild and Precious Life
Wipe down the kitchen counter again. Sit in every chair at the furniture warehouse.
Untested Solutions to the Housing Crisis
Single-family flying homes, a nationwide roof, and other great ideas.
The Imaginary Bugs Behind Your Phantom Itches
Someone uttered the word “flea” three days ago, and you’ve been itching ever since.
But I Can’t Complain
Hot tip: whenever you’re feeling down, think about the worst things that could ever happen to a person.
D.I.Y. Fixes for Your Broken Dreams
Did you want to be famous for some reason? Earn a shit ton of money? Travel the world?
The Owies and Boo-Boos of Serious Men
Just because these men are strong, successful, and sombre doesn’t mean they don’t hurt just like you and me.
Problems with TV in 2033
Reality TV is news, news is comedy, and sitcoms are fantasy.
Hell Is Other People’s People
Offenders include your assistant’s long-distance boyfriend and your hair stylist’s hair stylist.
What Is Time?
Is it the zipper on a too-tight dress? Is it your ex’s disembodied hair? Is it a rodent that does not yet exist?
Plant-Based Alternatives for the Cannibal Palate
A surprising number of ingredients taste like human remains.
Animal Behaviors I’ve Adopted as My Own
Flying into windows, howling at the moon, retracting into a shell, and other unusual doings for an unusual time.
Thirsty Texts from All Your Ex-Clothes
“Been thinking about how you used to spill things on me. Didn’t think I’d miss it this much.”
All The Ways I Failed to Spend My Massive Wealth
I divorced my wife so she could get half my money. But she refused all assets.
The Second-Best Me I Could Possibly Be
Do one thing a day that will not help you achieve a goal of any kind.
School Supplies for Post-School Adults
Existential-spiral notebooks, every-choice-you-make-is-permanent markers, and more.
Brands Targeting Real Women Living in a Simulation
Holographic Period Panties, Glitchy Fitness Mirror, Hypothetical Pink Razor, and more.
Contestants on “The Bachelor” in an Apocalyptic Future
“I’m looking for someone to light up my life, because I haven’t seen the sun in years.”—Barb, twenty-four, bunker blogger.
The Secret Tattoos of the Trump Administration
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the White House press secretary, keeps the most honest part of her—her Abe Lincoln shoulder tat—covered up during briefings.