My niece lived with me for three months, along with her boyfriend and dog. It did not work out. The dog bit me and they did not respect our boundaries or rules. We parted ways and have not spoken to each other since. She is now getting married to the “jerk.” We are invited to the shower and wedding but I do not want to go to either. How should I handle this situation?
Anonymous / Boston
Honestly, you can handle it pretty much any way you like and still have the moral high ground. You’ve done your bit paying it forward to the next generation of your family by taking in your niece, and she was unappreciative and caused trouble. You can decline without excuses — simply “we’re not able to make it” — and send gifts to one event or both. Or, you can decline and not send gifts. (You do have to decline. Even in your circumstances, Miss Conduct cannot condone not RSVP-ing.) You don’t owe her anything but basic politeness at family functions.
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All the same — and just a few things to think about — what’s your gut feeling about the invites? Do they strike you as a gift grab or an olive branch? And “the jerk” — what’s up with that? Presumably you had a decent relationship with your niece to have let her stay with you to begin with. If the problems are coming more from her fiancé, maybe swallow your irritation to stay in her life. If he’s a bad guy, she might need support and safe places eventually.
We live next to a small, independently run day-care center. When the children are outside, the day-care owner uses demeaning language and is very harsh when speaking to the children, frequently making them cry. I only hear her voice when they are outside, but I hear kids crying inside the house even when the windows are closed. This is a legal, licensed day care and I can’t find any reviews online. Any advice on what to do, or if I should do anything?
R.C. / Somerville
What an upsetting situation! If it’s concerning you enough to write to me, I think you should drop a dime. Concerns and complaints about licensed day cares should be called in to one of the Massachusetts Early Education and Care regional offices (you can find them on the mass.gov website under “Learning”). If you’re concerned about abuse, call the state’s Department of Children and Families hot line. Which one to go to is a bit of a judgment call, to be honest.
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But keep in mind that by doing this, you’re only lodging a complaint. No one’s business is going to get shut down or children taken away merely because you made a call; you’re not instigating trouble or rushing to judgment or anything like that. You have a reason to be concerned, so report those concerns to the authorities for the sake of the children and your own conscience.
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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.