Getty Images

What Is Kino?

Pickup Artists Used to Love This Technique — Here's What They Got Right & Wrong About It

July 6, 2024

Flip

While society is much more progressive these days than in decades past, in straight dating contexts, men are often still expected to make the first move and otherwise be in charge of ‘moving things forward.’

There are many ways to show women you’re interested, but not all of them are sensible approaches — especially in today’s climate, where post-#MeToo reckonings with historical gender norms has led to significant shifts in what’s OK and what’s not.

In this context, certain things (like, say, men expressing emotions) that used to be seen as iffy are now being normalized, while others (like, say pickup artist techniques) that used to be accepted are now being shunned.

One of these techniques — the kinesthetic approach or “kino” for short — is an interesting case study.

While it’s true that touch can have its merits in a dating context, it’s also something that can make people feel violated or unsafe. But, at the end of the day, if someone’s into you, slight, subtle touches can send the clear message that you’re reciprocating their energy and keep the whole thing from falling through.

This raises the question: Is there a way to navigate the concept of kino in the modern era? Can you touch your date without asking beforehand? In order to answer these questions and more, AskMen spoke with several experts. Here’s what they had to say:

What Is Kino?

“Kino, short for kinesthetics, refers to using gentle touch during flirtatious interactions with women,” says Steffo Shambo, a relationship coach and founder of Tantric Academy of Sacred Sexuality. “It originated in pickup artist circles as a way to establish physical intimacy and build attraction through skin-on-skin contact.”

“When done skillfully, appropriate kino can increase a woman's oxytocin levels and associate you with those feel-good chemicals in her brain,” Shambo continues. “It's a way to get physically closer to a woman in a non-threatening way early on.”

However, it’s also highly context dependent.

For one, lightly touching a woman’s hand, arm or shoulder after you’ve been talking at a bar for a half hour and exchanging flirtatious glances and/or banter is likely to be received much differently than doing the same within the first few minutes of meeting her.

For two, touches of different intensities and durations, and on different body parts, will likely read wildly differently to most people.

For three, even when there are certain broad guidelines or cultural assumptions around touch, everyone’s relationship to being touched by a stranger will be different.

RELATED: Tips for Picking Up Women

And while there are rarely, if ever, real consequences to not touching a woman you just met, touching one without her consent can have serious negative ones for both parties. So when, if ever, does engaging in kino-like behavior make sense?

Body-Languages Cues for Initiating Touch

Before attempting to touch a woman you’re flirting with, you must understand the basics of how to read body language.

The most important thing to cultivate is the ability to read her level of comfort. Not just for knowing when she’s open to your touch, but more importantly, for knowing when she’s not. Properly interpreting body language can be the difference between taking casual flirtations to the next level and seriously creeping someone out.

“In dating, using touch wisely and respectfully is essential for building meaningful connections,” says Magda Kay, an intimacy expert and relationships coach. “It's about creating a safe and comfortable environment where both parties feel respected and valued.”

If you’re in a situation where you’re talking to a woman you’re attracted to and curious about whether casual touch would be invited or disliked, you can look for signs that she’s comfortable and engaged. These can include:

Open body language: Arms uncrossed, facing you, and relaxed.
Eye contact: Steady and prolonged eye contact can indicate interest and comfort.
Proximity: If she moves closer to you, it's a good sign she feels at ease.
Smiling: Genuine smiles (and laughter) in response to your presence indicate enjoyment and positive feelings towards you.
Touching you: If she herself initiates touch, such as touching your hand, arm or knee, that’s a good sign that she feels comfortable with you and may also indicate attraction.
Positive verbal cues: Invitations to touch her, such as “Let’s compare hand sizes” or “Let’s thumb-wrestle,” indicate a clear interest in your touch.

However, if you’re not clear that touch is likely to be appreciated and/or reciprocated, touching someone you’re talking to “just to see” is not a wise course of action.

“Unwanted or inappropriate touch can also create discomfort and tension, potentially harming the relationship,” says Kay. It can also, frankly, make a woman think you’re a creep.

So, before you go in for a subtle touch, be aware of signs that indicate discomfort or disinterest as well, as these are strong indicators that touch would be unwanted. These can include:

Closed-off body language: Arms crossed, turning away from you, or shielding her body.
Distancing: Stepping back or leaning away from you.
Fidgeting: Repeatedly fidgeting can indicate that she is uncomfortable with the current conversation.
Lack of or curt response: If she’s not responding positively to what you’re saying, it’s unlikely she’ll respond positively to your touch.
Visible discomfort: Tensing up visibly, or flinching in response to an attempt to touch are clear indications that she is not comfortable.
Negative verbal cues: Verbal expressions of discomfort, such as "Please don’t ever touch me again" or "I'm not comfortable with being touched," should always be taken seriously and respected.

What to Know About Touching Your Date

Though PUAs are often seen as being proponents of manipulative behavior, kino-style touching “shouldn't be used in a manipulative way,” says Shambo.

Ultimately, that’s likely to creep out the person you’re talking to.

Instead, it’s about recognizing that flirtation is a two-way street and that friendly, non-sexual touch with someone you’re beginning to feel attracted to can be mutually pleasurable. It can even be as simple, Shambo says, as “going for a casual high-five when discovering you have something in common.”

Locations on the Body

Gentle touches — lightly slapping a person’s knee or gently punching their arm after a bad joke, or briefly touching their shoulder when getting up to go to the washroom, for instance — can be an effective form of flirtation.

However, DO NOT try to touch a stranger’s chest, butt, hips, waist or crotch as a general rule of thumb. That’s not flirting, that’s harassment!

Check-Ins

Keep in mind that everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to physical touch. Always respect her personal boundaries and be mindful of her comfort zone.

If she explicitly or implicitly indicates that she’s not comfortable with touch, back off immediately. Consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time check. When in doubt, it's always better to ask and proceed with caution rather than risk making her uncomfortable. You could say something like,

“Hey, I’m really enjoying this conversation. I’m really into you. Would it be OK if I _______?”

Taking It Slow

“The key to navigating consent and boundaries with physical touch is pacing yourself,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy. “Don’t jump straight to touching the other person.”

“Take a moment to talk,” she says. “Observe how she’s responding to you: Is she smiling? Keeping eye contact? Does she seem comfortable? If she seems like she’d be open to it, you can move to something minor, like grazing her arm or sitting closer to her. Then, see how she responds to that.”

“Go one step at a time,” Weiss cautions. “If you are in doubt, just ask; it’s much better to be too cautious than to move too fast or make her uncomfortable.”

“All in all, just remember that touch is powerful and it’s a way to show affection and foster connection. It should not be used as a tool for pressure or manipulation,” she adds.

Environmental Context

Don’t forget that your environment plays a crucial role as well in the appropriateness of touch. In private settings, it's important to be extra careful and respectful, as your date may not feel like she can reject your advances without hurting or angering you. Here, asking for permission and stating clearly that it’s OK if she says no is your best path.

In public, it can play differently. In crowded spaces — say, holding your date’s hand when moving through a crowd at a concert — it can convey a sense of protection and care from strangers.

In a clearly romantic context, like a seated dinner first date, if it’s going well, touching or holding her hand across the table could be appropriate, too.

Venues like loud bars and nightclubs, where you need physical proximity to hear each other, can often warrant light touching, such as a hand on your date’s lower back.

However, if it’s a conversation with someone you’ve just met while out and about, it’s better to err on the side of caution and not touch them as you don’t yet have any rapport established, Shambo says.

Unwanted touching “can be perceived as violating, aggressive, or off-putting,” says Shambo. “It may lead to rejection, accusations of impropriety, or even legal issues in some cases if she feels frightened or threatened.”

RELATED: Ways Men Creep Women Out

Ultimately, he says, “A woman's reactions must always guide the next steps.”

In short, that’s because she’s much more likely to be scared of you than vice-versa. So for both of you to have an enjoyable time, putting her comfort at the forefront is a must.

The Power of Touch in a Dating Context

Humans are social creatures, and touch is an aspect of the vast majority of close relationships. But while it can be a meaningful way to build intimacy and increase attraction, it’s important to tread carefully when exploring it in a dating context, particularly for men touching women.

Navigating it involves a deep understanding of body language, consent, and boundaries. It's about recognizing both the obvious gestures and the subtle cues that indicate her comfort level and emotional state.

Paying attention to these nuances allows you to adjust your approach in real-time, ensuring that your physical interactions are genuinely welcomed and appreciated, rather than disliked or even merely tolerated.

As with any form of flirtation, balance is key — knowing when to advance and when to retreat, when to express desire, and when to show restraint is crucial. Mastering this approach can significantly enhance your ability to connect and navigate the dating world successfully.

You Might Also Dig: