Buster

An Iowa man has pleaded guilty to pleasuring himself outside a Kum & Go convenience store, according to court records.

After completing the lewd activity, Kenneth Lee Kelly, 55, departed for his nearby Iowa City residence, police charged.

In a written plea, Kelly, seen at right, recently copped to indecent exposure, a “serious misdemeanor.” A sentencing hearing has been set for August 15 at the Iowa City courthouse to “give the victim(s) the opportunity to attend and/or present a victim impact statement.”

Kelly could face up to a year in jail.

Kelly was busted last year after witnesses called 911 to report that “an unknown male had said sexual things to them and began masturbating in their presence” in front of the Kum & Go at 12:30 AM.

When questioned by police, Kelly--whose rap sheet includes theft and narcotics convictions--“claimed he wasn’t exposing himself,” but instead was just “scratching his genitals,” cops said.

After matching with a man on a dating app, an Iowa woman exchanged texts with him before arranging to meet in person yesterday at her residence.

But when Sumaya Thomas, 18, got “cold feet,” she dialed 911 in a remarkably harebrained bid to avoid an IRL interaction, according to cops.

As detailed in a criminal complaint, Thomas, who lives in an Iowa City suburb, called police to report that her abusive ex-boyfriend had shown up outside her residence and was sending her threats via Snapchat to “hit, punch, kick, and stab her.”

Thomas claimed that she “has known this man for two years and that she was pregnant with his baby.”

Officers responding to Thomas’s residence encountered a “male leaving the scene” and began an “in depth investigation about the reports being made.” The man, who was detained by police, explained that he began speaking with Thomas “just over a week ago on a dating app,” and provided text messages that showed “he was being honest and he really did just meet this female.”

After multiple interviews with police, Thomas (seen above) admitted she had been lying, claiming she “got cold feet on meeting him and no longer wanted to.” She fabricated her tales of abuse because she “didn’t think officers would help so she made up this call and the events that she described.”

After being read her rights last night, Thomas, cops reported, explained she pulled the 911 gambit “because she didn’t want the male here and felt we wouldn’t be able to do anything if she just called normally.”

Thomas, seen above, was arrested for placing a false 911 call and making a fake report of an indictable offense, both of which are misdemeanors. Thomas was released from the county jail earlier today following her initial court appearance.

After being stuffed into a patrol car, an accused vandal told police that his name was “Mr. Monopoly” and that he was born, of course, on 4-20-69, records show.

Investigators say Ryan Howard, 33, was arrested Saturday evening for spray painting a wall in St. Petersburg, Florida.

When officers confronted him, Howard had a bag slung over his shoulder containing “spray paint cans that could be observed in plain view.”

Told that he was required to identify himself, Howard was initially mute. But after being detained, Howard “stated ‘Mr. Monopoly’ and provided a date of birth of 4/20/1969,” according to a cop.

Howard was subsequently identified via his Maine driver's license.

In addition to criminal mischief, Howard was charged with resisting, a misdemeanor, for providing cops with a fake name and date of birth.

Seen above, Howard had the chance to go directly to jail. He will be released from custody after officials collect $1000 bond.

In an attempt to hide from police, a wanted Florida Man somehow folded himself into a small front-loading dryer, a feat of audacity and pliablility that was eventually thwarted.

David Jackson, 31, was being sought by cops on felony assault and weapons charges when investigators received a tip that Jackson was inside a Pensacola residence.

During a search Friday of the residence, deputies discovered Jackson inside the laundry room. Inside “a remarkably small dryer drum,” cops reported. Jackson, wearing a purple Star Wars t-shirt, was pulled from the appliance and arrested.

Jackson, pictured in these police photos, is being held in the Escambia County lockup in lieu of $120,000 bond.

According to a June 2023 police report, Jackson is 5' 10" tall and weighs 150 pounds. TSG is endeavoring to determine the make and model of the dryer/bolthole.

As reported in these pages, a man facing felony and misdemeanor narcotics charges was found earlier this year hiding inside a dryer in the kitchen of a Louisiana home.

A handcuffed 73-year-old man somehow was able to “forcibly” throw a cheeseburger at a cop, leading to the suspect’s arrest on a felony battery charge, records show.

Police responded Wednesday night to a Wawa convenience store in Fort Pierce, Florida “in reference to a subject being present who was previously trespassed.”

Since the “trespass was still active,” police arrested Joseph Delancy and placed him in handcuffs. “During the detainment of Joseph, he was holding half of a cheeseburger,” an officer reported.

“After being provided demands to drop said burger, he refused to do so,” according to an arrest report. “After the handcuffs were placed onto him, Joseph forcibly threw the burger into my right leg,” a cop added.

The cheeseburger struck the patrolman, leaving behind burger “residue” on the thigh of the lawman (who survived the attack).

Delancy was charged with trespassing, a misdemeanor, and battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony. He is locked up in lieu of $10,000 bond on the higher count.

Delancy (seen at left) has a lengthy rap sheet that includes convictions for attempted murder, fraud, and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. He was arrested in 2022 for allegedly attempting to strike a cop with a metal pole.

A Texas woman went on a cruise and left her children--an eight-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl--home alone in the family’s $3600-a-month apartment in Houston, police charge.

According to a criminal complaint, neighbors of Lakesha Woods Williams, 29, spotted her departing the luxury McKinley Apartments on April 4 with “luggage and bags” and “never saw her return to the location.”

Aware that children may have been left in the 21st floor apartment (which has a small balcony), a witness called police. Cops who visited the complex on April 9 discovered the two children in the apartment, which was “in complete disarray and had trash and left-over food all over the unit” and reeked of urine.

The children told police that their mother “had left them since April 4, 2024, to go on vacation on a cruise and they did not know when she would return.” The boy used a phone to text his mother while she was vacationing, and cops found a webcam that Williams allegedly “was using to watch and talk to the children while she was away.”

The children were examined by emergency service personnel and subsequently released to the custody of their aunt. When contacted by police, Williams (seen above) was uncooperative, refused to return to the residence, and “was switching up her story on her whereabouts,” according to the complaint and other court records.

After an April 12 court hearing, a judge ordered Williams--who was busted on a felony child abandonment count--locked up in lieu of $25,000 bail, citing the “egregious nature of this offense” and witness accounts that “this is not the first time something like this has occurred.”

Williams is scheduled for arraignment on June 11.

According to a financial affidavit, Williams earns $6000 monthly working full-time for a nursing service. She has lived for the last year in a 1300-square-foot apartment with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. The McKinley complex features an outdoor pool, clubroom, library, fitness club, sports lounge, and private wine storage.