Becoming an Advocate Helped Me Cope With Lifelong Obesity

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Meet the Author

Liz Paul is an obesity advocate who has lived with obesity since childhood.

I have lived with obesity my whole life. This wasn’t because I was inactive. As a kid, I played soccer, ran around, and ate the same foods as my sister. We didn’t have junk food at home.

But I always lived in a larger body, and from very early on, I was taught to see this as a problem I should fix. The solutions I was given were never anything beyond “eat less and move more”—and I was already doing those things.

My First Diet

I went on my first diet in the sixth grade. My parents bribed me into losing weight so I could earn pocket money for a school trip. My mom was trying to be helpful, but that messes with your head when you’re so young.

My mom would drop me off at Weight Watchers, and it was me and all of these (what I perceived at the time to be) old ladies. It was mortifying and the opposite of empowering.

Dieting Into Adulthood

I dieted on and off, sometimes losing weight through sheer will and peer pressure. I would lose 30 pounds and then gain 40. I would lose 60 pounds and gain 70. It became harder to lose weight.

I had a scary wake-up call after a traumatic pregnancy with my first child, where I developed preeclampsia (serious complication causing high blood pressure and protein in the urine) and almost died. I joined Weight Watchers again. I lost 80 to 100 pounds while blogging about it online.

Everything was going well until it wasn’t. I didn’t know then that obesity is a disease. No one had told me this. I was just brought up to believe it was “my problem” to fix.

I lost all this weight, but then my body started saying, No, you need more calories. No, you’re starving yourself. No, we’re not going to lose any more weight.

I was training for a half marathon, and I tore my meniscus (cartilage in the knee). I couldn’t exercise for a while. I spiraled downward and regained all the weight. I was so depressed because I’d had the motivation and drive, and I still couldn’t do it. Why wasn’t I strong enough?

Public Failure

Since I was blogging, this failure happened in a very public forum. I did meet some of my dearest friends through weight loss blogging. However, it wasn’t the supportive comments I remembered, but the nasty ones.

Online trolls told me the things my own brain was telling me at its cruelest. It was like having an external reminder of my internalized weight bias. I was driven into a deep depression.

In the midst of this, I ended up having a second child, trying to lose weight again, and having a similar experience of hitting a wall and being unable to push through.

"It wasn’t the supportive comments I remembered, but the nasty ones."

Fat Acceptance

I sort of gave up on traditional dieting and decided to focus on my mental health. I found solace in the body positivity and fat acceptance movements.

Those movements gave me the gift of realizing we shouldn’t have to put up with bias. We deserve to love ourselves and take up space, regardless of size.

But something I could never reconcile was what happens when I’m not healthy at this size? My knees hurt, I can’t keep up with my kids, and I keep getting comorbidities (co-occurring health conditions).

I felt like these movements needed me to prioritize my mental health by completely ignoring my physical health, but I shouldn’t have to pick.

Learning Obesity Is a Disease

A friend invited me to an Obesity Action Coalition (OAC) conference. This conference was the first time anyone had ever told me obesity is a disease, and it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

This message was transformational for me. It was a completely different message from the one I’d been given throughout my life. Finally, I felt that I had the mindset to manage both my mental and physical health.

"Obesity is a disease, and it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility."

Barriers and Stigma

There are still social and systemic challenges. I’d very much like to have bariatric (weight loss) surgery or use obesity medication, but insurance denies both things and won’t pay for me to see a dietitian.

I still face stigma in medical settings. Health professionals have accused me of lying in my food logs because I couldn’t possibly have gained weight while eating what I ate.

When I went into urgent care for an ear infection, the doctor (not my primary care doctor) talked to me about my weight like it was the first time it had ever been mentioned to me. That was not the time or place. My ear hurt. I just needed antibiotics.

I feel like I have to be constantly on edge and aware of fat-phobic comments, and it’s exhausting.

Becoming an Advocate

I have moved into obesity advocacy. Although my story is, unfortunately, very common, sharing it is empowering.

People with obesity are used to so much bias and blame. Our weight is seen as our fault rather than the result of a complex disease with many coexisting factors.

Not least of these is messaging that accepting help is somehow an easy way out, or you could solve your disease if only you had enough willpower. But there’s no other disease that you’re told to cure through willpower alone.

People with obesity deserve access to care and treatment—whether or not society thinks they’re worthy.

I find comfort in the mantra that obesity is not my fault; it’s just my responsibility. I love myself enough to be well, which encompasses my physical and mental health.

As told to Sarah Bence

Read the original article on Verywell Health.