At some point in your journey from less-than-comprehensive middle school sex ed classes to adulthood, you might have internalized the idea that vaginal penetration is sex. And, sure: For a lot of people, penetration feels wonderful. But it’s possible to have intimate, pleasurable, and downright hot sex without any penetration at all.
There’s a misconception that “if it’s not penetrative sex, somehow it doesn’t count,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, a sex therapist and associate director at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. Many people think of oral sex, anal play, and outercourse—that is, two people grinding against each other—as “foreplay.” But in reality, these activities can (and do) constitute sex, all on their own.
Some people might choose to have non-penetrative sex because they find it unappealing, uncomfortable, or painful, Richmond explains. But even if you enjoy intercourse, there’s still a solid argument for taking penetration out of the equation every now and then. “Taking penetration off the table just expands the menu of what we can do during sex,” she says. “It would be prioritising making out; it would be prioritising fingering, playing with toys, clitoral stimulation, oral sex.”
Ahead, sex therapists explain why this kind of sex can be so orgasmic, intimate, and even kinky—plus, eight techniques, tips, and positions that will help you have the best non-penetrative sex of your life.
Benefits of non-penetrative sex
"Many prefer outercourse for various reasons," says Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta. And even if you are into penetration, there are still several reasons to add non-penetrative play to your sex life. Here are some of the top reasons to try sex sans penetration, according to sex therapists.
1. It’s more comfortable for some folks.
There are many people out there who can’t have or just don’t enjoy penetrative sex, for a medley of reasons. One 2023 study showed that 10 to 28% of the population struggles with dyspareunia, or painful intercourse, during their lifetime; vaginismus is also a common condition that leads to pain with penetration, adds Richmond. If vaginal penetration physically hurts (even with a lot of lube and sexual lead-up), you might want to try outercourse instead—and also, set up an appointment with your doctor, who can help you figure out what’s going on.
You might also feel triggered or otherwise mentally uncomfortable with penetration, and that’s totally normal, too. For some individuals who have experienced other unique medical conditions, sexual trauma, or gender dysphoria, non-penetrative sex might also feel more enjoyable or comfortable, explains Jenkins Hall.
2. It can feel great.
Even if you don’t find penetration uncomfortable, per se, you might still find non-penetrative sex more (or just as) enjoyable. “This is true for plenty of people who are vulva owners,” Richmond says. In fact, less than 25 percent of people with vulvas say that they can reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, she adds. The majority of people with vulvas need external clitoral contact in order to climax, and non-penetrative sex often puts the focus on clit stimulation—whether that’s through oral sex, grinding, or touching.
3. It can be more intimate—and creative.
"Non-penetrative sex helps one explore their body or their partner's body more intimately," says Jenkins Hall. Think about it like this: You're spending way more time focusing on body parts that typically get less love and attention, and finding new moves and erogenous zones that make your partner tick.
Sex without penetration helps switch up the monotony of penetrative sex as well, and can allow people to engage in new kinds of sexual pleasure or sexual fantasies, Jenkins Hall explains.
4. It can help you take things slow.
Another benefit of non-penetrative sex? It's an excuse to tease your partner. If you and your partner are into power play and/or edging, you might choose to take penetration off the table for a certain window of time to build anticipation, suggests Richmond.
8 Non-Penetrative Sex Ideas
Ready to expand your definition of sex? Here are several positions and techniques that take the focus off penetration—and help you find all-new ways of getting off that you didn't even know were possible.
1. The Pretzel Dip
Want to sit back and relax? Try the Pretzel Dip. “One partner sits back against the pillows or headboard with [their] knees up and legs spread," says Gigi Engle, a COSRT-certified sex therapist and author of All the F*cking Mistakes. Then, the other person sits between their legs, straddling their right thigh.
“This is a great position for passionate kissing. You’ll also have prime access to each other’s breasts in this position for double-duty nipple stimulation,” she adds. If one or both of you has a clitoris, you can easily grind against each other’s pelvises in this position; or, reach down and touch your partner’s genitals with your hands.
2. Missionary
Missionary is a classic for a reason—it’s easy to try, and extremely versatile. “Outercourse can be done in the missionary position where both partners are close and kissing, touching, and rubbing bodies,” Jenkins Hall says.
To remove penetration from the missionary equation, try the coital alignment technique. Here, instead of thrusting their penis or strap-on in and out, the top partner should focus on moving their body up and down, stimulating the bottom partner’s clit with each movement.
3. Doggy Style
Doggy style is often dubbed one of the best positions for super-deep vaginal penetration. But did you know that this position works for non-penetrative sex, too?
There are a few ways to try this with a partner, per Richmond. The person standing behind the “receiver” might use their hands or a toy to stimulate their partner’s clitoris—or, if the partner in front has a penis, this could be a primo position for a hand job. The person on their knees can also reach back and touch their partner’s penis or vulva, too, Richmond adds.
4. Mutual Masturbation
Let’s face it: There’s nothing hotter than watching your partner feel good, and mutual masturbation provides just that. “Partners can face each other or [sit] in front of a mirror and engage in mutual masturbation,” Jenkins Hall suggests. Maybe you just use your hands, or maybe you each try out a new sex toy. Your options are limitless.
As a bonus, this technique works for long-distance couples, too, adds Richmond: “[Mutual masturbation] can happen in person, or you can up your sexting game with phone sex or video sex.”
5. Rider On Top
The beauty of cowgirl is that the receiving partner can choose their preferred angle and depth of penetration—so, if you want shallow penetration or none at all, this position will work wonders.
“A lot of times, [rider on top] is so pleasurable because the clitoris is rubbing against the partner’s pelvic area or lower stomach,” Richmond explains. By taking penetration off the table altogether, you can still enjoy grinding against each other. Plus, you’re face to face, meaning you’ve got lots of opportunities for eye contact and nipple play.
6. The Chairman
This position is basically a seated variation on spooning sex, and it’s equal parts cozy, intimate, and sexy. It’s also easy to pull off: One person sits on top of the other, grinding back against their genital area. The “big spoon” here can easily wrap their arms around the little spoon, touch their nipples, kiss their neck, or use a vibrator on their clitoris, suggests Engle.
7. Shower Sex
The bedroom? Been there, done that. Engle suggests taking your non-penetrative sex sesh to the shower, where you can enjoy temperature play and new sensations while touching each other. “Have your partner turn around and let the water run over them while you give them a hand job or rub their clitoris [from behind],” she suggests.
8. Oral Sex
No matter the position, oral is a great non-penetrative sex act that lets the receiving partner (or both partners, if you’re enjoying some 69-ing) communicate what feels good, stresses Richmond.
Not sure how to get started? You might choose to try an outercourse position like The Spork (pictured above), and then, when you’re ready to mix things up, oh-so-slowly move your body down until you’re facing your partner’s genitals, Engle suggests. Hot, hot, hot!
Meet the experts: Holly Richmond, PhD, is a sex therapist and associate director at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, is a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta. Gigi Engle is a COSRT-certified sex therapist and author of All the F*cking Mistakes.
More resources for great sex...
- The best sex positions for senior couples, according to sex therapists
- 8 reasons why your vagina is swollen after sex
- How to initiate sex in a relationship with a 'desire discrepancy'
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Madeline Howard is a writer, editor, and creative based in Brooklyn. Her work has been published in Esquire, Nylon, Cosmopolitan, and other publications. Among other things, she was formerly an editor at Women’s Health. Subscribe to her newsletter ‘hey howie’ at madelinehoward.substack.com.
Lydia Wang is the love & life editor at Women’s Health, where she writes and edits articles about sex, relationships, identity, and pop culture. She lives in New York and spends way too much of her free time reading romance novels in coffee shops and tweeting about her favorite dating shows.
