How to have oral sex, according to sex experts

Through the centuries, oral histories—er, BFF brunches—have made it clear: Oral sex is capital 'O' outstanding. The act of making love (or at the very least, lust) to someone’s below-the-belt bits with your mouth, oral sex is many pleasure-seekers’ favourite pathway to fireworks.

But if you’re new to trying this sexual tongue twister, you might wonder whether you’re doing it right. While there’s no right or wrong way to experience pleasure as long as it's consensual and all partners have mutual respect for one another, it never hurts to equip yourself with some tips and tricks from experts.

Ready to dive head (ahem) first into the ins and outs of giving good oral sex? Look no further for your complete guide on how to perform cunnilingus, fellatio, and analingus. Plus, everything you need to know about simultaneously maximising sensation and safety.

What is oral sex, exactly?

Oral sex is the broad term for any stimulation of the genitals or anus with any portion of the mouth, including the tongue, lips, throat, or teeth. 'It's a sexual experience where a mouth is being used on or around the genitals for the purpose of giving pleasure,' says Marla Renee Stewart, a sexologist and sexual strategist at therapy, coaching, and workshop hub Velvet Lips Sex Ed and the co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.

Before you ask: Yes, oral sex is sex! 'Many people learned an antiquated, inaccurate definition of sex that says sex is only a penis going into a vagina,' says Rachel Wright, LMFT, a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast. 'But actually, sex is any meaningful act of pleasure—including acts of oral pleasure.'

The benefits of oral sex

Performing oral sex can turn someone on like a light switch, bring them to orgasm, or simply allow them to experience a new physical sensation, says Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator and the author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. All bangin’ benefits!

But make no mistake: Oral sex isn’t just hot to receive—it can also be hot to give. For starters, you’re making someone you love (or at the very least, love to bang-a-lang) feel good, which can lead to intimacy, explains sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed, an education-focused sex shop in Chicago. It can be emotionally and mentally arousing to make someone else experience pleasure, she says. Even though stimulating someone else with your mouth doesn’t directly stimulate your genital-focused hot spots, it does stimulate your mind, which can be just as powerful.

For individuals with an affinity for BDSM, including both service and domination kink, oral sex also offers up the opportunity to feel like you are in control of your partner's pleasure, or like it's an act of service, both of which can be very hot, says Engle.

Safety first

Odds are, you’ve heard the potential risks of penetrative play (namely, unwanted pregnancy and STI transmission). While oral sex alone cannot result in pregnancy, 'a sexually transmitted infection can be transferred during oral intercourse in either direction—from genitals to the mouth or from mouth to the genitals,' says Shyama Mathews, MD, an obstetrician and gynaecologist based in Plainsboro, New Jersey.

The STIs that can be transmitted to the genitals or anus from the mouth, and vice versa, include herpes, syphilis, human papillomavirus (HPV), chlamydia, gonorrhoea, and human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), she says. Other experts say trichomoniasis can also be transmitted.

To help reduce the risk for STI transmission during oral sex, you should follow the same guidelines you’d use to protect yourself during penetrative sex, says Dr. Mathews. Get tested frequently, talk to potential bone buddies about their current STI status, and use a barrier to reduce the risk for STI transmission. (But more on that later!)

More specifically: 'If you’re having oral sex, you should get tested for genital, oral, and anal STIs so you have the full picture of your sexual health,' Dr. Mathews says. (FTR: Oral STI testing is a painless process that usually involves a nonintrusive oral swab, as well as a urine or blood sample, she adds.)

It’s also wise to avoid performing oral sex when you have cuts, sores, blisters, or tender spots in or around your mouth, suggests Dr. Mathews, who notes that these all increase the risk for STI transmission. Indeed, whether it’s a cold sore (a.k.a. oral herpes) or canker sore (aphthous ulcers), it’s wise for your mouth to avoid heading south—the former can be transmitted to the receiver, while the latter will be downright painful for the giver.

Oh, and it should go without saying that emotional safety is a necessary part of any enjoyable sexual experience too. So, as with any other type of sex, oral sex requires active, ongoing consent. Asking 'Can I go down on you?' or 'Would you like me to taste you?' can help you find out if your partner(s) want to receive oral. If you receive anything other than an enthusiastic Y-E-S, you do not have consent.

And remember: Just because you went down on someone once doesn’t give you an automatic green light to go down on them again. Consent must be granted every single time.

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Oral sex on a vulva

Oral sex on a vulva goes by many names: cunnilingus, carpet munching, muff diving, and eating out. No matter what you call it, however, its pleasure potential is potent.

Actually, it can be the most pleasurable sex act for women, according to Engle. 'The clitoris is the epicenter of pleasure for most vulva owners,' she explains. 'Because oral sex usually focuses stimulation on the clitoris, many...find it the easiest way to experience pleasure and have an orgasm.'

Technique

Rather than racing from 'hello!' to tongue-in-hole, start slow by taking time to turn your partner on the way you might before any other sex act, suggests Engle. Mouth kissing, eye gazing, nipple nibbling, and glute grabbing, for instance, can all help you slowly turn up the heat. 'If you’ve been with this person before, tease the nongenital erogenous zones you know they like having teased to start,' she says.
When you finally make your way down to the vulva, continue with the slow and soft approach. Dopamine (the feel-good hormone) levels are higher during the anticipation of pleasure than when you actually receive pleasure, Jess O'Reilly, PhD, a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, previously told Women’s Health. So while you may feel as if you’re torturing your partner, you’re actually giving them exactly what they want.
As for technique specifics, let the saying 'different strokes for different folks' be your guide. 'Experiment with using your tongue to lick up and down the vaginal opening like an ice cream cone, to make light, round circular movements on their clit, and press against their vaginal opening,' suggests Debra Laino, an AASECT-certified sex educator, clinical sexologist, and relationship therapist based in Delaware.

Positions

The best position for oral sex on a vulva is the one 'where both people are comfortable,' says Wright. Aside from comfort, prioritise positions that provide accessibility for you to reach the parts of the other person's vulva that they want stimulated. So, chat with your partner pre-oral about positions that feel good for them and help you easily reach their clit.

That being said, here are some suggestions:

Edge of the Bed: The receiving partner lies on their back with their butt on the edge of the bed and their legs spread. 'That position may be more helpful if you have a clitoris that kind of hides under a hood' because it’ll provide better access to the clit's many nerve endings, says Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, a sexologist and sociologist based in San Diego, California.
Leaning Doggy: Think doggy, but different. The receiving partner is in the traditional doggy style position, but they spread their knees apart so you can reach their vulva. Because the vulva is hanging at a different angle, the receiver can feel different sensations than they would if they were on their back, which can lead to orgasm, Gunsaullus says.
Oral, But Make It Missionary: This is the classic oral position where the receiver lies on their back and you’re on top, licking and sucking their vulva. This move is great because it’s a classic, but if it’s hard to access their vulva this way, putting a pillow underneath the receiver’s butt can help prop it up more and provide better access for you, Gunsaullus says.

Prepping, safety, and cleanup

The receiver shouldn’t do too much prep, per Wright—'vulvas are supposed to smell and taste like vulvas,' she says. Still, if the receiver likes feeling clean, they can take a shower beforehand. They can also ask you if there’s anything they can do to make the experience more enjoyable as the giver, Wright adds.

To protect against STIs, the receiver can also wear protection. Wright recommends a dental dam, which is a contraceptive and STI-protecting sheet, or Lorals, which are STI protective latex underwear. As far as cleanup goes, you can use a blanket (like a sex blanket) if the receiver tends to release lots of liquid through squirting during sex. 'The knowledge that there's this thing that's protecting your space allows you to sink in more to what is going on,' Wright says.

FAQs

Can I flick the clit?

It depends on what feels good to the receiver, so you’ll want to communicate about it beforehand, Wright says. 'Assuming that you know what somebody likes or doesn't like is not a recipe for pleasure and satisfaction for the person on the receiving end,' Gunsaullus adds.

However, if they’re into the idea, you can try flicking your tongue on the inner and outer labia, external clitoral bulb, and clitoral hood, says Laino. The clitoral hood, which is the sheath of skin that covers the pleasure iceberg, can be especially fun to fondle on people whose clits are more sensitive but who still want some play, she says.

Should I insert my tongue?

Again, this is totally up to personal preference, Wright says. It 'depends on what sensations actually feel good to the receiver,' Gunsaullus adds. Many women don’t orgasm from any form of penetration and don’t enjoy the sensation, Wright continues, while others really enjoy it. 'In general, I would say keep your tongue going around and around and maybe once or twice in there, but that's not what's going to do it for a lot of people,' she adds.

Can I give oral sex to someone who is menstruating?

Yes, it’s perfectly safe to perform cunnilingus on someone when they have their period. Be aware, though, that blood is one of the bodily fluids that can transmit certain sexually transmitted infections in individuals who are positive for them, explains Dr. Mathews. HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, hepatitis B, and syphilis, for instance, can all be transmitted via blood.

But assuming you’ve both been tested ahead of time and are negative, the biggest risk of role-playing Edward Cullen and Bella Swan is to your white sheets. (Of course, a pre-sex shower, menstrual cup, and sex blanket can all help protect your bed.)

Oral sex on a penis

When oral sex is performed on a penis, it is traditionally known as fellatio. Colloquially, it’s known as giving a blow job. Despite what porn may have you believe, fellatio is far more than a penis plummeting deep into someone’s mouth and down their throat (that’s a specific kind of fellatio known as deep throating).

Technique

Fellatio can include using your tongue to circle a shaft, or to stimulate the nerve-endings on the tip of the penis, says Laino. You can also try sucking sideways along the length of a shaft, she says, or swirling the tongue around the sides, Gunsaullus adds.
While options abound, your mouth doesn’t have to do all the work during oral sex. (Phew.) Laino recommends oiling up your hands with an edible lubricant, like coconut oil, then layering your fists on top of each other. 'You can suck the top of the penis while rotating your hands in circular motions on the shaft of the penis,' she explains. Moving up and down with your hands while you suck can provide a powerful mix of sensations, adds Gunsaullus.
You can also add in a vibrating cock ring, wand, or stroker to give your mouth a break.

Positions

Again, choose a position where all parties are comfortable, Wright says. There’s an added element here that isn’t present when performing oral on a vulva: penetration through the throat. So, you’ll want to make sure you’re in a spot that allows your throat to be open for entry as the giver. You should also consider your goals, she adds: Do you want to use your hands, practice speed, or deep throat? Once you consider that, do the position that serves your goal(s) and keeps you comfy.

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Here are some ideas:

Kneeling: If you enjoy using your hands while you give head, you can easily achieve that when you kneel in front of the receiver, who’s standing. 'That can often allow you to use one or both of your hands without losing balance,' Wright explains.
The Standard: The receiver lays on their back while you lay or sit between their legs. Not only is this very relaxing for the receiver, but 'for the person giving too, it gives them more control,' Gunsaullus notes.
Head Off The Bed: You lay down on the bed with your head leaning off of the bed so it’s upside down, and the receiver stands in front of you and places their penis in your throat. This position is not only submissive and vulnerable, but it’s also effective: It 'tends to open up the throat a lot more,' Wright says.

Prepping, safety, and cleanup

If they’re uncircumcised and have foreskin—a retractable sheath of skin that covers the head—it’s a good idea to shower so everything in there is nice and clean, Wright says.

And if you want to be cautious of STIs, the receiver can wear a condom. Because the latex flavour of condoms can be tough to swallow—literally—Wright recommends trying flavoured condoms. Just a word to the wise: If you use flavoured condoms for oral sex, remove them and wipe the penis off before you switch to penetrative sex, since they often contain glycerin, which can lead to yeast infections, she says.

FAQs

Is there a difference between performing oral on an uncircumcised penis versus a circumcised one?

The techniques you use during oral sex on a circumcised penis are similar to those you’ll use on an uncircumcised penis. When someone who is uncircumcised is aroused, the sheath around the head naturally shimmies down, revealing the mushroom head beneath.

Generally speaking, people who have intact foreskin have a more sensitive tip than those who do not, due to the fact that their head doesn’t endure daily contact with jeans and underwear, for example. So, while gentle mouth movements are always a good starting point, tenderness is especially important with uncircumcised folks.

Should I deep throat?

'If it's something you want to try or do, go for it,' Wright says. However, 'it's typically not the thing that's going to bring the penis owner to a full climax.' Some givers really enjoy doing it, while others don’t, so it’s completely up to you.

But if you’re in the process of learning how to deep throat, tell the receiver so that they know you’re experimenting, she adds. Either way, 'be kind to yourself and know that there's no expectation of it,' Gunsaullus says.

What should I do when they cum?

Up to you! You can spit the cum out, swallow it, or have the receiver cum somewhere else—whether into a tissue or towel or on one of your body parts. But let’s get one thing straight: 'There is not some sort of value or moral judgment between spitting and swallowing,' Wright says.

Spoiler alert: This is a topic you’ll want to communicate about before heading downtown. 'If you have a penis, do not assume it's okay to come in someone else's mouth' without checking with them first, Gunsaullus says. And if you choose to spit or have them cum somewhere else, that doesn’t mean you’re rejecting them: You just have a preference, she adds. Always do whatever feels good to you.

Elevate the sexperience

Oral sex can be a standalone meal (like instant noodles!). But just as layering the classic quick snack with additional ingredients delivers an extra flavour punch, so does incorporating different sensations to oral sex. Adding vaginal and/or anal fingering, toys, and nipple stimulation (all with consent, of course!) can enhance oral sex, says Wright. Ahead, some other ways to level up with each lick:

1. Get chatty.

What makes your partner feel physically and emotionally safe? Is oral sex something your partner generally enjoys? Are there certain portions of the genitals that are off-limits? You should know the answers to these questions before you start tonguing your partner the way a cat tongues an ice cream dish.

'Everybody likes and enjoys different sensations,' she says. 'Experimenting in bed requires communication and trust, which can help make you [and your sexual partner] emotionally closer.' Having some insight on what those likes are before you start will make it easier to provide the stimulation your partner(s) prefers in an environment that makes them feel safest.

2. Add in lube.

Wetter really is better, as far as oral sex is concerned. 'Lube is helpful if you can’t produce enough saliva, so long as it’s ingestible,' says Stewart. So, don’t shy away from squirting some store-bought stuff into your hands and applying it to your partner's parts.

Note: While flavoured lubes can be fun, many have glycerin, which can be irritating to the vaginal and anal canal, so if you use these, you’ll want to keep it external.

3. Incorporate hands and toys.

This dynamic duo is your kisser’s BFF. 'Using hands and toys can add a depth to oral sex when it comes to stimulation,' says Engle. They can also help you continue when your mouth gets sore (lockjaw, anyone?).

'The kinds of toys you use will depend on what the receiver enjoys,' she says. 'Someone who enjoys anal stimulation might want to wear a butt plug while receiving oral,' she says. The plug will stimulate the sensitive anal opening and canal, deepening pleasure, she explains. Meanwhile, someone who enjoys the sensation of vaginal fullness might want to be stuffed with a vaginal plug or dildo while their clit is licked.

4. Tell your partner they taste or smell good.

Thanks to all the fake news about what genitals 'should' taste, smell, and look like, many people are consumed by shame surrounding their genitals’ natural taste and smell. Simply put, 'genitals taste and smell like genitals,' says Laino. Common adjectives for the taste of genitals include: flavorless, scentless, musky, meaty, coppery, salty, and bitter.

Because this shame can keep an individual from fully enjoying the sexperience, Engle recommends taking a hot sec to lift your head and compliment your partner's bits. Trust, a simple 'I love the way you taste' will go a long way.

5. Don’t underestimate missionary.

Truly, there are more body configurations for giving and receiving oral sex than there are tongue techniques. (Many!)

Missionary, however, is a sound first stop. Having the receiver lie on their back while you’re between their legs (or kneeling at the end of the bed) allows for eye contact, chest and breast stimulation, hand play, and a sense of intimacy. If you’re having oral-anal sex, simply prop a pillow under the receiver's hips to make their anal entrance easier to access.

6. Practice aftercare.

After you come back up for air, take some time to dote on your partner. 'Just as important as preparing for oral sex is being considerate afterwards by engaging in aftercare,' Stewart says.

Just as the name implies, aftercare is time set aside to tend to everyone’s emotional and physical needs post-coitus. 'Whether it's a shower, a glass of wine, or a cuddle session, a little aftercare can help make sure that everyone feels cared for following the interaction,' she says.

7. Do a little post-game analysis.

You can have a convo about which exact tongue techniques made your toes curl during aftercare, but if you have any (constructive!) criticisms for your sexual partner, save it for the next day, says Stewart. Whether you want to address a challenge or note something you’d like them to approve upon, broach the topic with positive reinforcement in mind, she adds. It’s also important to have this conversation 'in a low-anxiety situation,' says Stewart, a.k.a. not in the bedroom.

Perhaps while watching TV, you casually mention something like, 'I had a great time last night. I would love to try adding in a toy next time.' Lead with what they did well and frame your critique as a way to build on their previous sexual successes, so they respond positively too.

Before you go

You may be at the end of this article, but you’re at the very start of your oral sex journey. If you’re concerned at all about whether you’ll like it, try not to worry. Besides, you can use intel about the other sexy acts you like to help you figure out if you may enjoy oral sex.

For instance, if you enjoy the slippery sensation of your fingers against your vulva when you lube up while masturbating, odds are good you’ll enjoy the slippery sensation of oral. Similarly, if you enjoy oral sex toys, you'll probably like the real thing. (To that note: One way to explore the sensation of oral if you don’t have a partner-in-pleasure is to use an air suction toy with a whole lot of water-based lubricant.)

Now, go forth with confidence in your newfound knowledge and skills. And one last thing: Communication is far more important than technique, so remember to use your mouth to talk too.

Meet the Experts: Marla Renee Stewart is a sexologist and sexual strategist at therapy, coaching, and workshop hub Velvet Lips Sex Ed and the co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay. Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast. Gigi Engle is a certified sex educator and the author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. Searah Deysach, is a sex educator and the owner of Early to Bed, an education-focused sex shop in Chicago. Shyama Mathews, MD, is an obstetrician and gynecologist based in Plainsboro, New Jersey. Jess O'Reilly, PhD, is a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Debra Laino is an AASECT-certified sex educator, clinical sexologist, and relationship therapist based in Delaware. Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sexologist and sociologist based in San Diego, California.