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These are the 22 BDSM essentials all beginners need, tried and tested by a sex writer
Anastasia Steele, who?
For some, deep diving into the 50 Shades of Grey pilot was a summer holiday highlight in 2015. But have you ever considered creating your own Dom/Sub set-up at home?
Perhaps it's a hard ‘no’ from you — and that is absolutely fine; not all sex play is for everyone, and you should only ever do what you’re comfortable with.
But with 46.8% of men and 59.6% of women owning up to having BDSM-related fantasies, we thought we better run through the basics.
Disclaimer: BDSM doesn’t have to be as extreme as Hollywood makes out — and, in some cases, can even benefit your relationship. ‘BDSM is a good tool for exploring sexual desires that you may not often come across in your regular intimate encounters,’ says sex educator Shakira Scott, better known as Scotty Unfamous.
‘You can play with power dynamics, sensations and levels of anticipation to make your sessions even hotter, as well as incorporating different sexual aids into your lovemaking. You may find that there are great techniques that you can take from it to enhance your regular play.’
In terms of where to start, it depends on what type of play you’re keen to try, and the sensations that appeal. So, read on for an in-depth dive into your erotic options, several tips from leading sexperts, and a run-down on the best BDSM gear (tried and tested) in 2024.
The best BDSM gear to shop now
What is BDSM?
BDSM is essentially a form of sexual play that relies on an inequality of power. For some, it’s a fantasy they enjoy exploring occasionally. For others, it may be a fetish and requirement for sex to be pleasurable.
‘It’s the taking away of senses and heightening others, limiting movement or shifting in control,’ says So Divine’s resident sexpert, Debbie Bere.
‘This can be a source of real enjoyment for many. Perhaps it’s a form of escapism from everyday roles or labels; or a release, finding pleasure from the taboo; or just something you’ve always fancied giving a try.’
BDSM itself breaks down as Bondage, Discipline or Domination, Submission or Sadism, and Masochism. If you're wondering what each involves, Unfamous has the answers:
- Bondage - The act of tying up, restraining or binding your partner.
- Discipline - The Dom/Domme (Dominant) sets rules for their Sub (Submissive) to follow. If the Sub breaks the rules, they may be punished for it, such as through flogging or orgasm denial.
- Domination - The act of authority over a submissive person in a BDSM relationship.
- Submission - The act of submitting to a dominant person in a BDSM relationship.
- Sadism - Sexual arousal brought on by causing pain/humiliation to someone else.
- Masochism - Sexual arousal brought on by experiencing pain/humiliation.
Within these five categories are countless kinks. Examples include nipple play, ball stretching, orgasm denial, queening (sitting or hovering over your partner’s face, either for oral sex or the thrill of proximity), spanking and sensory deprivation.
The 22 best BDSM accessories for beginners in 2024
Sophie Donovan is the Sex and Relationships Senior Ecommerce Writer for Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health and Men’s Health. Sophie is passionate about everything sexual wellness, offering her readers honest reviews on vibrators, BDSM for beginners, sex essentials like lube and condoms, plus feminine hygiene products such as period pants. She also spends her working week quizzing sexperts on their top tips for a satisfying sex life.
Sophie’s journalism career began in 2019 when she completed News Associates’ 22-week NCTJ fast-track Multimedia Journalism course and was awarded a Gold Standard Diploma. Accepting a place on The Sun’s Trainee Scheme, she gained experience on the newspaper’s print Showbiz, Production and Fabulous Magazine teams. After completing the graduate programme, she worked for Dear Deidre, where her role included publishing a weekly advice column offering sex, financial and mental health support, plus assisting with the launch of the brand’s Instagram page and first podcast series.
Outside of work, Sophie can either be found working on her love/hate relationship with running or dragging her friends to yet another F45 class. You can follow Sophie on Instagram @soph_don / @sextingthecity.
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