Welcome to July's edition of ‘Sexplore with Dr Tara’, a monthly column in which the professor of relational and sexual communication answers your questions on everything from libido to kink, as Women's Health's new sex agony aunt.
Here, she advises a reader feeling a lack of confidence as she prepares to start dating again.
Dear Dr Tara,
I’m heading on holiday with some friends this summer and, as well as getting some much needed sun, I’m also keen to have some fun, too.
I just got out of a six year relationship and now, mid thirties, I’m single for the first time in a while. I wanted to ask your advice, though, about feeling confident approaching people I’m interested in. I felt a lot younger the last time I was unattached, and now, I can’t help but worry that I’m sort of out of the loop!
Do you have any thoughts on how I can feel good about shooting my shot and getting down with someone new, for the first time in a while?
Thanks,
Back on the Horse
Hey, Back on the Horse!
How sexually confident a person feels impacts lots of areas of their life – not just their sex life, but how they approach dating and flirting, too.
A good place to start in considering your question is to work out where you are, on the sexual confident barometer.
For context: a 10/10 would be someone who is comfortable in their body, knows they deserve love and pleasure and are able to communicate in romantic and sexual settings in a relaxed manner. They exude positivity, self-assurance and expressiveness.
Those with low sexual confidence – let's say 1/10 on the sexual confidence scale – experience a lot of shame and have a negative body image.
When it comes to those who don't feel shame around their sexuality, but perhaps feel apprehensive about dating and being sexual with a new person after a while out of the game, they might sit around a 5/10. Have a think about where you think you feel you are.
To note, if someone reading this resonates with the 1/10 score, this indicates deeper issues – and potential trauma – and it’s important to unpack this aspect carefully before moving on to working on your sexual confidence.
If that is you, and you're in a position to work with a relationship psychologist or sex therapist to help you understand the trauma and hopefully heal from it, I'd advise that. As a starter, watch this episode of my podcast, Luvbites by Dr. Tara, in which I speak with psychologist Dr. Kate Balestrieri about sexual trauma.
Assuming you don't have challenging trauma to resolve – but, as you say, feel that your dating skills are rusty and perhaps your sexual confidence is middling – here's some tips to help you feel more sexually confident.
Keep them up for 30 days and enjoy the results.
Dr. Tara’s tips to enhance your sexual confidence
Try an 'I’m amazing because…' exercise
This is a self-reflection exercise I designed to help my clients gain clarity on their positive qualities – and learn to accept them. Write: 'I'm amazing because...' on a piece of paper, and follow up with 10 great qualities you possess.
When you're struggling with lower confidence it can mean you don't think you have a lot to offer, especially in dating. Understanding and writing down your positive qualities allows you to see what you bring to the table – and I’m sure it’s a lot!
Use positive self-talk and affirmations
It’s true that positive self-talk and affirmations improve self-esteem and confidence. Indeed research has found these exercises can make a lasting positive impact in your brain. So next time you notice yourself saying something negative like 'oh I’m too old to date,' or 'this date won’t go well,' stop yourself.
Next, change your narrative to 'people find love at different ages' or 'this date will be great.' Also, every morning when you get ready, I want you to look in the mirror and say one positive affirmation. It can be 'I am confident,' 'I am desirable,' or 'I’m proud of myself.'
Feel out the somatic and embodiment approach
This is a confidence enhancement technique in which you connect your body and your mind. It involves becoming more aware of your body, movement, sensations, and ultimately, helps you carry yourself more confidently.
To begin, try sitting up straight and becoming more aware of your posture, standing up straight when you walk and even practicing the 'runway walk' at home, moving your body in time with music when you’re home alone.
This is a great way to create a positive connection between your body and your mind. You're effectively tricking yourself to believe that you’re expressing yourself confidently. In turn, this helps you to become more confident, IRL.
If you want to learn more about developing sexual confidence and sexual self-esteem for a long-term healthy relationship and sex life, check out my courses at Dr. Tara’s sex academy.
With confidence & love,
Dr. Tara
