How to sext: your ultimate guide to sending dirty messages, according to sex therapists

POV: You met a cutie at the pub last week and you've been texting on and off for a few days, about your jobs, local areas, and hobbies—the works. Then, all of a sudden, they send you a very sexually explicit message when you're trying to put your phone away from the night, and you're completely thrown off.

But it doesn't have to be that awkward. Sexting, when done properly—like, when you don’t go rogue and send someone a message out of the blue—is a super fun way to explore your sexuality and get more intimate with someone.

Sexting is an exchange of sexually explicit words, pictures, and/or videos through texting, says Holly Richmond, PhD, LMFT, a somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist, associate director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, and author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life. One of its biggest benefits is introducing novelty into a relationship, which can then build anticipation and make two partners crave each other, she says.

The minute you feel a little frisky, you may be tempted to shoot off a sext to your current relationship or situationship. But that’s probably not the best idea, according to experts. In fact, they have a few recommendations when it comes to what and when to sext. Whether you’re a beginner or a sexting expert—a sextpert—you can benefit from learning the tips, benefits, and examples of sexting, all ahead.

What is sexting?

Sexting is using texting to have sex and be kinky with those that you have consent to do that with, says Neil Cannon, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor and the Clinical Director of The Cannon Institute in Denver, Colorado. “It can be incredibly intense and arousing. We are only limited by our fantasy and our imagination.”

Whether through texts, photos, or videos, it’s a way to have sex with someone through messages, adds Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist and certified sexologist based in Athens, Georgia. As in, all parties involved can masturbate together, but separately, over the phone as they talk.

Sexting isn't just hot—it has a lot of benefits. Here are some ways it can be great, according to experts:

1. It builds anticipation.

“Novelty is really the seed of desire,” says Richmond. “When we're building novelty, we're sending new pictures or words that our partners haven't seen.” Whether you’re a new couple or you’ve been married for 20 years, you can picture the sexy visual scenarios that are created through sexting, which can be a huge turn-on, she explains. “It's about injecting sexy ideas and sexy thoughts into a conversation which makes the other party want you even more,” adds Brame. More desire = more sex!

2. It can make your relationship stronger.

“You really get a chance to discover each other's sexual templates, meaning, what turns them on [and] what arouses them,” says Richmond. Through dirty texts, you can find out their favorite body parts that they’re attracted to, and even scenarios or fantasies they might want to try. “It's so easy to do sexting in a new relationship when things are hot and steamy,” she says. “But when you're married for 10, 15, [or] 20 years and you send an out of the blue sext every now and then, it can really heat things up again.”

3. You’ll have better sex.

And that’s all thanks to the communication that happens when you sext. While many people are silent when they’re in bed, Brame says, sexting forces people to vocalise it. “If we don't know what the other person likes—and let's just say that they're too shy to speak up in the moment—sexting gives us a great window into their preferences, which will undoubtedly make sex better,” Richmond adds.

4. Plus, you’ll get more comfortable with talking about sex.

“Talking about sex is very difficult or embarrassing for certain people,” Brame says. “We're not taught how to talk about sex directly, whereas in sexting, you get practice with that.” The more you say what you like (and dislike) in the sack, the less awkward it’ll be going forward.

5. It’s empowering.

“I can't tell you how many times in my practice I've heard, ‘I can't even believe that I went there,’” Richmond says. Sexting can help build confidence when you say out loud (erm, through text) that you’re having particular fantasies or you want to do something specific about your partner. You learn more about your likes and dislikes, and should feel proud of yourself for saying that to someone else. “If the reciprocity of the relationship is there and there's no judgment and there's freedom and there's safety, our imaginations get to run wild,” she says.

6. It can help you tap into your sexuality.

Sexting can help you identify your likes and dislikes in the bedroom because “you can be guided by your fantasies when you're sexting,” says Brame. If you want to tap into a more risqué fetish, it might seem easier to do over the phone with someone because you’re not in-person with them. “Sexual communication is a toughie for a lot of people, precisely because nobody tells 'em how to do it or what's appropriate,” she says. “But because texting is such a norm of communication these days, you feel probably a little more comfortable than you would in vocalising it, particularly with a new partner.”

7. It’s a hot way to connect when you’re away from your partner(s).

Maybe your person is on a business trip, or you’re in a full-blown long-distance relationship. If you spend months away from your partner at a time, you’re not connecting intimately with them as you would be if you lived in the same place. “This is the way to continue your sex life, even when you're not in the same place,” says Brame. It’s a way to “get that kind of happy sex buzz going,” she adds.

While sexting can heat up quickly, it’s not exactly easy to start. Here’s where to begin, according to experts:

1. Consent, consent, consent.

Always get consent before getting involved in any type of sexual act—even if you’re not physically in-person with the personal you’re doing it with, says Richmond. “Consent has to be established at the beginning,” and it can be revoked at any time, she says. It can be as simple as sending a message like Can I send you a sexy pic? or I’m curious to know what you would think if I sent you a voice note of a sexy fantasy I had about you this morning.

BTW, you’ll want to get someone’s consent pretty close in time to when you’ll actually start sexting. So, if someone gives you their consent to sext a few weeks or months ago, it’s not okay to send them a racy message out of the blue—you’ll need to get their consent again. To be safe, you can get consent each time before you want to send a message.

2. Set down some boundaries.

Before you begin, discuss some ground rules together about your likes and dislikes. First, lay it all out on the table in terms of specific acts that are a go and those that are off limits, Brame says. Maybe you’re into the idea of talking about spanking, but you’re not ready to bring up anal. “It's a good place to begin navigating what kind of sex really turns you on and what you want to experience with that particular person,” she says.

Afterwards, Cannon also recommends asking, How do you want to feel when I’m spanking you? That changes the dynamic of these conversations because it allows someone to elaborate on what they want, and will help the other person know to give it to them.

3. Start the conversation as a story.

For instance, commence the sexting by sending something like: I'm on a beach in Mexico, and it's so hot outside, and I just oiled up my body—what would you do if you were here? Then, the other person can continue the conversation with something like: I’ll try to take you back to our hotel room, but I don't know if we'll make it because I need you so badly. We might end up naked in the cabana. Then, “they just keep going with whatever their fantasies can lead them to,” Cannon says. That way, sexting is a collaborative process.

4. Don’t judge someone’s kinks or fetishes.

Not everyone has the same taste—whether it’s in a pair of shoes or sex. So, if your partner shares that they have a fantasy of tying you up and putting a ball gag in your mouth and you’re just *not* into the idea of BDSM in the slightest, that’s okay. “If it's consensual and pleasurable, we should not be judging it,” says Richmond. But make sure you respond with sex positive language that validates them while offering an alternative. So, you could reply with something like: I can tell that really turns you on. BDSM is something that I've never tried before, so right now, my answer is a hard maybe, but I can't give you a definite yes for the future. Maybe we could try some light spanking instead.

5. Avoid criticism.

This might sound obvious, but definitely avoid infusing any type of criticism into your sexting conversation. Because sex and sexting put people in vulnerable positions, “we want to be really careful and mindful with our words, our facial expressions, or verbal and nonverbal clues,” Cannon says. “People are sharing things [and] they're trusting us to protect them.” So, make sure to avoid any directly negative language like I don’t like the cowgirl position or It’s so cringey that you just said that, and instead, stick to positive, validating phrases. (Keep reading for some recommendations!)

6. Reflect back what they said.

To optimise your communication with someone, repeat what they said back to them, Cannon recommends. By doing so, it’ll ensure that you’re both on the same page as the conversation progresses. You can say something like, It sounds like what turns you on is to fantasise about being tied up. Maybe after, you ask what they like about that fantasy to continue the conversation.

7. Be authentic.

Just be honest and ask what you want, Cannon says. Unfortunately, sex can be associated with feelings of shame, so if you try to dance around the fact that you want your partner to give you head or you want to pursue a certain kink, the process won’t be as fun. “If you don't talk about it, then your partner won't feel like they can talk about it either,” he says.

8. Decide what kind of photos you want to send.

If you're into the idea of sending nudes, before you take pics, consider whether you want to keep your face in the shot, Richmond says. Maybe you completely trust the person you’re sending them to, so you’ll keep your face in it, or maybe you just crop your face out. It's totally up to you, but definitely something important to think over!

9. It’s okay to slow down.

Imagine this: You’re talking to a cutie from the bar last weekend and the conversation starts with some sexy flirting and steamy scenarios of what you wanted to do to each other after meeting. Then, a dick pic lights up your phone in the middle of what you thought was a somewhat tame sexting conversation. If you encounter something like this and you’re not ready for it to progress like that yet, you can say something like, I’m not quite ready to send a picture yet, but I'd love to keep the flirting going—your sexts really turn me on, Richmond says.

10. Never share someone’s nudes without their permission.

And don’t assume the person you’re sexting will automatically keep them safe. “Whoever you're sexting with, that stays between the two of you or the three of you, however many are in that chat,” Richmond says. Before you begin sexting, she recommends saying something like, I love sexting with you, but I just need to make sure this is staying between us. Otherwise, I’ll shut down and I'll feel too vulnerable to keep sexting. So, if you do want to show one of your close friends your new boyfriend’s nude, you need to get their permission first.

11. Get explicit.

“The more specific the better, because what you're doing is you're creating a little erotic novel or a sexy movie for the receiver's imagination,” Richmond says. Include sensory details if you’re telling a story: Name the time, place, and what all parties in the story are wearing, for instance. This might look like: Remember when we were on the train to Barcelona and we snuck into the bathroom and you hiked up my sundress and gave me my biggest orgasm ever? I could feel how sweaty we both were by the end.

12. Remember that sexting for one is not sexting for all.

News flash: You looked so beautiful when we were making love last night and I miss f*cking your brains out, and I can't wait to do it again are two different types of sexting. “Some people are going to be more on the sensual side of the equation,” and others will be straight-up sexual, Richmond says. So, when you’re sexting with a new partner, try a bunch of things out, she adds. Maybe start with some more mild messages (like the one above), and see if your partner starts moving to something more hardcore, like the second one.

13. Using sexting as foreplay.

“It's just building that anticipation,” Richmond says. That’s why she recommends the more low-key (and less hardcore) sexting messages, like the first example above. “A slow burn is going to be a great way to do this,” she says.

14. Practice teasing—if that’s something you’re into.

Not everyone is into it, but if you (and whoever you’re talking to) are, then it’s a fun addition for sexting. “Some people really don't want to be teased unless there's going to be completion, and other people just adore a slow, almost never-ending, long tease,” Brame says. “It's really kind of lighting a fire in somebody else.” To play with teasing over sext, you’ll want to insinuate that you’re holding back a little bit from moving onto the next thing. For instance, if one of their messages says I can’t wait to rip your clothes off, maybe your next message is Who says I’ll let you do that just yet?

15. Use voice messages.

To turn up the heat even more, consider sending a voice memo, says Cannon. You can say the same kind of scripts that you’d write in a text message, except you’re saying it aloud. Not only does this allow for the sexting to happen “faster and easier,” Cannon says, but it also allows you to hear your partner’s voice, making the whole process a bit more realistic. Win-win.

Ahead, find some inspiration for dirty text messages you can send your partner(s) when it’s time to play.

Memories

1. I can’t stop thinking about our last vacation when all we did was f*ck.
2. Remember that red dress you wore on our anniversary date last year? I wanted to hike it up and thrust myself inside you.
3. When we went to that wedding last June, all I thought about was you being inside me.
4. I’m getting so distracted at work right now because I’m thinking about the time we had sex in my car in the Tesco car park.
5. I’m sipping my morning cup of coffee but I can’t stop thinking of you being inside me last night.
6. I still have marks on my back from where you were scratching me while you f*cked me from behind last week.
7. You’ve given me the best orgasms I’ve ever had.
8. Did I ever tell you how much I loved when you gave me head in my office when you visited me at work that day?
9. One of my favourite memories was when you f*cked me from the back as we watched the sunset in Brighton.
10. I'm getting wet sitting at my desk right now because all I can think about is how you touched me last night.

Future plans

1. When we go on vacation to Turkey next month, I want you to wear the tiniest bikini you own.
2. Just so you know, I’m going to go skinny dipping tonight in the ocean since we’re on holiday. Join me and you know what that’ll lead to…
3. I dare you to not wear a bra on our date on Friday night.
4. Let me take you to this sex toy store next week and we can plan that night there.
5. I can’t wait to hear you scream while I’m inside you tonight.
6. I’m home alone and my vibrator is begging for me to use it—how will you use it on me later?
7. I can’t wait to moan your name into your ears all night.
8. My goal tonight: To make you come at least three times in a row.
9. I need you to rub this oil all over me so I’m lathered up by the time you’re inside me.
10. I want you to get in the shower with me tonight.

Validation

1. You’re making me so wet.
2. You were so stunning when we made love last night.
3. You’re so f*cking hot.
4. I need you inside me so badly.
5. You’re going to make me come.
6. You’re so beautiful, I can’t wait to kiss your neck.
7. Here’s what I love about the way you f*ck me: [insert compliments].
8. No one knows my body like you.
9. Your body is insane.
10. Have I ever told you how good it feels when we’re in missionary?

Fantasies

1. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to tie you up.
2. When I was at the library today, I had a fantasy of pulling you into the bathroom and giving you head.
3. When I close my eyes, all I can picture is you on top of me.
4. I’ve always wanted to have a threesome. What do you think of that?
5. I’m curious to know what you would think of giving me head the next time I drive us on a road trip.
6. I wish you were here in this conference room. I would have you bending me over the table within seconds.
7. Tell me your biggest fantasy so I can make it a reality.
8. Later, I was thinking I could put some whipped cream on your favourite areas of mine and you could lick it off of me.
9. What are you thinking about?
10. When I touch myself, I always think about you with your hands all over my body.

Requests

1. Tell me what you want me to do to you.
2. Bend over so I can spank you.
3. I need you to put it inside me.
4. F*ck me like you mean it.
5. I want you to blindfold me and drip wax all over my back so I can concentrate on all of the sensations.
6. Come over now—I’m getting wet just thinking about you.
7. Tell me what you think about when you masturbate.
8. I better hear you moan my name tonight.
9. Can you do me from behind tonight?
10. What do you want me to do to you?

Getting a sext = amazing. Replying to a sext = a bit stressful, if you don't know what to say. Experts recommend saying things like this if you're at a standstill:

When you’re down to talk dirty:

1. Sounds like you’re having fun over there. Tell me more.
2. I want to hear all of your fantasies.
3. Tell me everything and don’t hold back.
4. Keep going.
5. Don’t stop now—share exactly what you want to do to me.

When you’re not in the mood:

1. This is so hot. I’m about to jump into a meeting, but I’ll pick up this conversation afterward.
2. You’re so sexy, but I’m not feeling that hot right now. Rain check?
3. I’m dying to have sex with you, but I’m in the middle of work right now. See you in an hour.
4. Let’s pick this up tonight.
5. This sounds so sexy. I can’t chat now, but I’ll let you know when I’m free.

When you’re not sure what to say:

1. I’m really excited to hear more, but I’m a little anxious to talk like this. Tell me more about what you’re feeling.
2. I’ve never sexted before, so I’m really intrigued right now. What are you thinking about?
3. Thanks for sharing that—the feelings are mutual.
4. I can’t wait to do all of this with you in-person.
5. Wow, this is really hot. I can’t wait to hear more.

Using emojis during sexting is totally up to personal preference. Some people love it, and for others, it’s a total turn-off. Either way, “let your partner know early in the game so they can stop sending the kissy faces and lips or butts and do what you think is hot,” Richmond says. However, Cannon cites this 2019 study that says people who use emojis *may* have more sex, so…I’ll just leave that there.

Now, that doesn’t mean you need to go crazy with tons of emojis. Brame recommends keeping emoji use limited, but not being afraid to use them. Using emojis can even be helpful, especially if you’re sexting someone new. “You can't really read intention and emotion through text,” she says. “Without the physical body language for you to read or even the vocal tone to know whether they're making a joke or saying something really serious, I think it's actually a good idea to give them the emoji clue.”

Here are some emojis you can use while sexting:

• 💦: A way to tell them just how wet you are or that you’re squirting.
• 🍑: Can be used when you're talking about how good someone's butt looks.
• 🍆: Represents a penis or vibrator, if those are brought up in the convo.
• 🔥: Should be used when you tell someone how hot they look.
• 😈: Signifies that you’re feeling naughty.
• 👀: When you're checking them out or sneaking a peek at them.
• 😊: A way to tell them that you’re happy to be sexting while giving them validation.
• 😍: Telling them that you like what you see.
• 😅: Saying you’re sweating because they’re so hot.

All in all, sexting is a super fun activity that can help you grow closer to your partner(s), empower you, and help you tap into your sexuality all at the same time—even if it can be tough to know how to start dirty talking. It may take some practice, but eventually, you’ll start sexting better than even the most experienced sextperts.

Meet the Experts: Holly Richmond, PhD, LMFT, is a somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist, associate director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, and author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life. Neil Cannon, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor and the Clinical Director of The Cannon Institute in Denver, Colorado. Gloria Brame, PhD, is a sex therapist and certified sexologist based in Athens, Georgia.

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Addison Aloian

Assistant Love & Life Editor

Addison Aloian (she/her) is the assistant love & life editor at Women’s Health. Outside of topics related to lifestyle, relationships, and dating, she also loves covering fitness and style. In her free time, she enjoys lifting weights at the gym, reading mystery and romance novels, watching (and critiquing!) the latest movies that have garnered Oscars buzz, and wandering around the West Village in New York City. In addition to Women's Health, her work has also appeared in Allure, StyleCaster, L'Officiel USA, V Magazine, VMAN, and more.