It was a small piece of glass wedged into my shoulder that did it. Where did it come from? I couldn’t remember. I knew I’d spent the night downing shots and requesting Sophie Ellis-Bextor in a south London gay bar with my friends... but so much of it was still hazy.
There were gaping holes in my memory that my hungover brain began to fill with a host of worst-case scenarios, a rush of anxiety that was starting to become all-too familiar.
The pattern back then went like this: hit the booze hard and then wake up hating myself (to such an extent that I’d cry and physically pick at my skin), terrified of what I might have said or done the night before.
I’d text my friends and most of the time the answer was, ‘Nothing! You’re paranoid!’ But, as I sat shivering in the shower that one particularly bleak morning, picking the glass out (apparently I’d fallen out of a taxi), I made a vow to quit drinking.
I decided on three months off the booze (one didn’t seem enough) and ended up embarking on a journey that changed my relationship with alcohol forever. In total, I was sober for fifteen months – and this is what I learned along the way...
A history of my problematic relationship with booze
At 27, after a solid 14 years of drinking pretty much every week without fail (such is the culture we’re born into in Britain, right? My teenage friends and I would regularly sneak alcohol from our parents’ to drink in fields from the age of thirteen), I was definitely a problematic binge drinker.
Bizarrely, my university friends labelled me as ‘the one who always kept it together on a night out’, but the older I got, the less accurate that title felt. Or maybe I’d always been a hot mess but it had never been picked up on by them, because we all were? (No shade, love you guys.)
Over the past decade I’ve lost phones, thrown up in plant pots and slept with people I shouldn’t have (and let’s not even discuss the drunk texts and, on one occasion, drunk email). All things that at one time or another would've been chalked up as a 'funny story', slowly started becoming a lot less hilarious the older I got, and after realising I’d really never do those things sober.
At first, I was unsure I could make it to 90 days without alcohol, but the actual experience was life-changing. It very quickly became addictively easy and enjoyable to maintain my teetotal state. I ended up completely abstaining from booze for over a year (a large chunk of which was during a series of national lockdowns, when many responded to the stress by ramping up their alcohol intake instead).
When I did start drinking again, it came with little fanfare: I was eating a delicious dinner with my boyfriend and fancied a glass of red to finish. I relished it – just the one – getting a small buzz, but for once knowing I could leave it at that.
The next day I wrestled with some weird feelings: had I let myself down with that one glass of pinot? Had I just undone fifteen months of hard work for nothing?
But then I thought further into it and realised that no, it hadn't. That sober stint had taught me so much; there was no way it could be called a waste of time. It changed my life, in many ways.
It’s been more than 11 months since I started drinking again, but it feels completely different – because my attitude towards alcohol is completely different. I drink less. I drink better. I’m happier and (bar the odd slip up - one being at Halloween, which also taught me a lot) I’m in control.
I learned these 7 lessons from becoming a mindful drinker
A quick disclaimer: it's important to say that abstaining for good might be the right – or only – choice for some people, such as those struggling with alcoholism. If you're worried that's you, please talk to your GP.
But, in the spirit of sharing how I managed to turn my relationship with alcohol around, these are the tips and tactics that I have found work best for me at the moment.
1 Make sure you have a solid support system
When I first went cold turkey, I knew I’d need some kind of structure in place, and after a quick Google search found Club Soda. It offers a supportive Facebook group to discuss abstaining from booze, as well as a 30-day ‘How To Stop Drinking’ online course (£40).
I wanted my break to be reflective and transformative, so undergoing the course, complete with daily emails, expert talks and prompter questions for journaling, forced me to put my drinking - everything from why I drink to what I drink and who with - under a microscope.
I also had a brilliant therapist, who I was seeing for a bereavement but who helped me stay on track with sobriety, too. She made me dig deep into some of the reasons why my mental health has been shakier than a Power Plate since my teenage years.
I also started following Sober Girl Society (SGS), an organisation set up by Millie Gooch, whose story is similar to my own (blackouts, regrets, a need for change).
Motivational content from SGS showed me I wasn’t alone in my quest to ditch alcohol, while encouraging me to carve out time to look at my habits and examine what ought to change.
2 Change what you drink
I can now say with absolute certainty that white wine turns me into a gossipy, passing-out-in-the-bathroom mess. It left me sobbing with anxiety and regret and I don’t want to be that girl anymore.
Now I only have a drink if I really want one and know I’ll enjoy it. Instead of drinking cheap wine just to get drunk for less than £20, I’ll savour a nice cocktail on a night out (between non-alcoholic beers or water) or even a glass of champagne (eh? who does she think she is?).
And because I drink less, the bill’s about the same anyway.
3 Discover who you are without alcohol
This is an important one; it’s about learning what works for you in different situations. At networking events you can strike up a chat without the crutch of a drink – just ask for a tonic water with ice and a citrus slice or an alcohol-free beer if you’re worried about looking out of place. You’ll be so proud of yourself afterwards.
In social situations, I find it all depends on the company you keep. Yes, it can be quite fun watching people get drunk for a while, but it can also get boring (you'll notice that some drunk folk - including me in the past, no doubt - love having the same conversation over and over) and really depends on who you're there with.
For example, last summer I went to a rave in a forest and talked, laughed and danced until 6am with some of my best friends, and discovered that sometimes I actually prefer partying sober.
Previously, I would have drunk so much that I’d have fallen asleep (or, let's face it, passed out) by 2am. Going sober meant I was better company and lasted longer than ever – but the key learning was that I was surrounded by people who I love and feel entirely comfortable with.
Now, in that specific setting, I know I can comfortably partake in a few alcoholic drinks throughout the space of an evening but in bigger groups, where I'm less at ease and my anxiety is spiking, it's best to steer clear.
That'll still leave me pranging the following morning. It’s also impossible to ‘drink yourself happy’ after a bad day or when you’re going through a rough time. Seriously, it’s just not a thing - alcohol is a depressant.
4 Don't make a big deal out of it
During my 15 months off, I was constantly asked if I was pregnant (eyeroll) and was expected to explain my choice to stop drinking in the middle of a Wetherspoons to people I barely knew – and it can get exhausting.
So, if you’re not up for those conversations, it’s totally fine to not mention you’re alcohol-free - hopefully you'll have more interesting conversational fodder.
Order a lime and soda and say it’s got vodka in if you like, or turn the label of your Becks Blue towards you so nobody can see it. It’s your night out so play it your way. You really aren’t obligated to explain anything to anyone.
5 Change how you drink
I’ll now make sure that I spend the first hour of any night out (at least) alcohol-free. Half of the time I realise that I’m having just as much fun without a hard drink in my hand and I’ll keep it up for the rest of the event or party.
Other times I’ll have some alcoholic drinks, but only towards the end of the night to perk myself up a bit if I feel like I’m starting to lack energy.
Knowing that I’m in control of myself really helps to lessen my paranoia.
6 Get excited about other things
For example, all of the great non-alcoholic drink options out there. Before my alcohol break, I never drank beer. Now, I absolutely love a Becks Blue, Heineken 0.0 or a Lucky Saint (a non-alcoholic lager).
Lyre’s makes a great faux Aperol, which I drink with Nosecco, and Three Spirit does a ‘Social Elixir’ infused with herbs that bring on a natural buzz and won’t leave you pranging the next day.
I also now relish not having a hangover (or only having one that’s half as bad as my friends’, given I only drank half as much) and love to make wholesome Sunday plans that I can look forward to.
There’s also the satisfaction of sleeping better, not eating total junk on the night bus home (leaving me uncomfortable and bloated the next day) and not spending the whole day consumed with self-loathing.
7 Don't drink just for the sake of it
Given that it’s such a biggie, I’m astounded that it took me so long to arrive at this revelation: if you’re not having a good time, you can always just... leave. Literally, book yourself an Uber, search train times, grab your jacket off of the coat pile on the bed and go. It's an exceptional decision! And one you won’t regret.
Have you ever been on an awkward date, or stuck in an uncomfortable social situation, grit your teeth and said, ‘I’m going to have to drink through this one’? Same here.
But why not think of the gloriously happy mood you’ll be in the next day if you forgo the booze and head home instead? It’s always a good idea to put your mental health first and remember, the only person you owe a good time to is yourself.
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Things that make sober life (and mindful drinking) more fun...
Three Spirit: The Collection
One of my favourite alcohol-free brands is Three Spirit, who create adult-feeling drinks that actually make an impact on your mind and body. For example, the Livener (which has a nice punch to it) wakes you up ahead of a night out, the Social Elixir is designed to create a feel-good mood and the Nightcap is the equivalent of a soothing whiskey before bed.
Millie Gooch The Sober Girl Society Handbook by Millie Gooch
Making an incredibly strong case for ditching booze permanently (I really do advocate at least taking a few months off from alcohol before trying mindful drinking), this handbook also arms readers with health facts and comforting stories of support. I loved it, and I love all of Sober Girl Society's online content too (bonus: they also do in-person events).
LUCKY SAINT Lucky Saint (12 x 330ml bottles)
Of the many, many non-alcoholic beers I've tried, this award-winning offering sits firmly in the top spot. It tastes of biscuity malts with a smooth, citrussy hop finish.
SodaStream Spirit Machine
Make your own fun and fizzy drinks with a SodaStream machine. Coming up with mocktail recipes is just as enjoyable as mixing up the hard stuff – promise.
Jennifer Savin is Cosmopolitan UK's multiple award-winning Features Editor, who was crowned Digital Journalist of the Year for her work tackling the issues most important to young women. She regularly covers breaking news, cultural trends, health, the royals and more, using her esteemed connections to access the best experts along the way. She's grilled everyone from high-profile politicians to A-list celebrities, and has sensitively interviewed hundreds of people about their real life stories. In addition to this, Jennifer is widely known for her own undercover investigations and campaign work, which includes successfully petitioning the government for change around topics like abortion rights and image-based sexual abuse. Jennifer is also a published author, documentary consultant (helping to create BBC’s Deepfake Porn: Could You Be Next?) and a patron for Y.E.S. (a youth services charity). Alongside Cosmopolitan, Jennifer has written for The Times, Women’s Health, ELLE and numerous other publications, appeared on podcasts, and spoken on (and hosted) panels for the Women of the World Festival, the University of Manchester and more. In her spare time, Jennifer is a big fan of lipstick, leopard print and over-ordering at dinner. Follow Jennifer on Instagram, X or LinkedIn.
