Sex in 2024 hits differently. Gynaecologists championing sex ed are now TikTok stars; porn can be ethical and served on subscription – with performers picked, akin to PTs, for how amazing they leave you feeling; while TV continues to explore places you didn’t expect.
But ask a sex therapist to name the most influential shaker-upper of British sex lives in 2024, one whose effect truly defines what groans on behind closed doors, and they’ll refer you to 2020. ‘How people feel about intimacy now seems to relate directly to their experience during the pandemic,’ says psychosexual therapist Cate Campbell, who’s written four books on sex and relationships, and co-presents The Real Sex Education podcast.
That unmoored sensation during the lockdowns, which made us re-evaluate everything from where we lived to how we worked, also left us questioning our sexual satisfaction. While the enforced intimacy brought some couples closer, other pairings shuddered to a halt. The latter trend, Campbell explains, was particularly common in sexual relationships that started during the pandemic between people on opposite ends of the social spectrum; when normality returned, their incompatibility made itself known. That mood also manifested in changing sexual preferences; in a Bumble survey, 14% of users said they’d shifted desires from opposite sex to same-sex partners since 2020.
So where does that leave us all now? To get a read on what’s hitting the G-spot in 2024, we surveyed 1,000 people about the most intimate aspects of their lives.
The goal was two-fold: to unpack the pandemic’s sexual shock waves, while peering into an erotic landscape that’s never been so fluid. ‘Social media content demonstrates that people are having different kinds of relationships and self-identifying in more varied ways,’ says Campbell. ‘This is reflected throughout western culture’s arts, entertainment and sport, and in big societal changes.’
Of course, while there might be more sexual openness outwardly, what (or who) goes down in other women’s bedrooms remains a mystery. And in the absence of facts, sexual imposter syndrome and envy eat away at desire – 42% of you believe other people are having more satisfying sex than you are. To ensure that the only hard feelings in the bedroom are physical, we delved beneath your sheets to reveal the naked truth of what it means to do it 2024-style.
The most sexually active age group are... the 25 to 34-year-olds! Nearly half of women in this age group (47%) have partnered sex at least once a week. Almost as many (41%) masturbate with the same frequency.
35% of women have sex weekly or more often. But a similar amount, 33%, say they have sex less than once every three months.
19% - the percentage of women who told us they’re having less sex now than they were before the pandemic.
Almost one in four women told us they have solo sex every week - That figure is higher for WH readers, 36% of whom make time for a solo session at least once a week.
‘I’ve gone from being in a long-term relationship to being scared of sex’
Almost one in five women are having less sex than they were before the pandemic – a figure that rises to 42% of women aged 18 to 25. Kah-Mun Loh, 24, a UX designer living in London, tells us how the pandemic, in effect, robbed her of her sexual confidence.
‘I broke up with a long-term partner three months before the pandemic hit, so I spent the first lockdown mentally processing the abruptness of being single, while being largely alone at the same time. Two out of my three housemates moved back in with their parents, which meant that my daily social interaction tanked, and when my grandparents both got Covid, I became almost paranoid about social distancing.
Without the pandemic, I think I would have experienced (and enjoyed) that post-break-up rebound period, when you really want to get back out there, party and just go a little wild. Instead, some very isolated years have eroded my social and dating skills. On the one hand, being intimate with someone feels scary, exposing, even threatening. But I’m also just not that interested.
My “hot girl revenge summer” was spending time with my female friends; that feels so much more fun than using the apps, when it’s always bots and guys asking me for nudes. I’ve had opportunities to have casual sex over the last three years, but I haven’t met anyone I’ve liked enough to let them into my personal space. My boundaries are more important than my desires right now.’
The most sexually satisfied age group are…the 18 to 24-year-olds; 76% of these women told us they were satisfied with their sex life. But they aren’t having the most orgasms: that accolade goes to women aged 45 to 54, 54% of whom told us they orgasm every time or most of the time.
Q. Are you satisfied with your sex life?
61% of women said YES!
1 in 5 women admit they’re too exhausted to have the sex life they want
Missing: the female orgasm - 15% of women climax ‘rarely’ or ‘never’ during partnered sex
Closing the orgasm gap
While sexual satisfaction is high, when it comes to that big finish, we found a collective feeling of: oh. Only 19% of women in heterosexual relationships orgasm every time, compared with 39% of men, with younger women missing out most – a quarter of 18 to 24-year-old women climax ‘rarely’ or ‘never’.
While sexologist Madalaine Munro commends the fact that most people now know what the orgasm gap is, she blames on-screen antics for stalling progress in closing it – both porn’s aggression-masquerading-as-intimacy (found in 88.2% of clips, said one study†), plus TV sex, which skews the ease of the female orgasm so you feel like the only one not coming at the drop of a tongue.
‘I wish I could reassure all women that there’s nothing wrong if you’re struggling to orgasm, and if you don’t know what type of intimacy may support your orgasm,’ says Munro, who recommends a self-pleasure practice, where you pay attention to what strokes and pressure feel good, how lube or oil enhances that, and if music and scent relax you.
‘But to receive the pleasure you want in partnered sex, you must also stop enduring the touch you don’t want,’ she insists. This means calling time on that loathed move, even if your partner’s been doing it for years. Try helpful phrases such as ‘This isn’t what I had in mind, can we try something different?’, ‘I’m in my head, can we pause’, or well-directed praise – ‘I love it when you touch me like this.’ More feel-good news is that when we expanded the survey criteria from orgasming ‘every time’ to ‘most of the time’, 51% of you said yes-yes-yes.
‘Organising sex feels like another bit of domestic labour that’s fallen to me’
‘Sex with my husband used to mean lust. We didn’t have a schedule; one of us would initiate it if we were tipsy after Friday night drinks or if the mood struck following a gym session. On the flip side, sometimes we’d go for weeks without sex, maybe even months if work was flat-out, and that was fine. Sex was spontaneous, laid-back and pressure-free.
We’ve been trying to start a family for nine months now (the irony isn’t lost on me) and the mood is one of obligation. I’m the one tracking my ovulation, my temperature and supposedly fertile windows. Calculations and timetables fall to me, along with the guilt – like the time I forced my partner to come home early from a work trip in Paris because I was ovulating.
It’s reached the point where, during sex, I’m not really present – I’m in my head. Even though we both feel the physical and emotional exhaustion of all it, organising sex feels like another bit of domestic labour that’s fallen to me, then a work task I’m getting evaluated on, while he gets another orgasm.’
Body image blues
Feeling negatively about our bodies is the biggest barrier to women having the sex life we want, in all age groups.
51% of women are comfortable asking for the kind of sex they want. The figure is almost 60% among 35 to 44-year-olds and WH readers.
‘The way I felt about my body held me back’
Low body confidence affects the sex lives of almost half of 18 to 24-year-old women, but the issue improves with age. Gillian Myhill, 43, a tech co-founder from Sydney who lives in London, shares the tools in her sexual confidence kit.
‘Having small breasts has always been a confidence issue for me, especially when I was younger. During adolescence, I was constantly waiting for them to grow and I was preoccupied with their size well into my thirties, in a way that meant I struggled to enjoy myself sexually.
I felt insecure about my shape, like I wasn’t feminine, and there were times when I kept my bra or clothes on during sex to avoid feeling exposed. I even considered surgery. I’ve never been shy about the act of sex, but it felt hard to accept myself when it came to sex and intimacy.
The biggest lesson in getting older is that no one cares. It’s not the shape or size of your breasts that draws people to you; and it’s not the number on the scales, nor the colour of your hair or skin. People just want to connect with you as a person.
These days, I’m much more aware of my low-confidence triggers: bloating, bad skin and hormones have a powerful effect on my appearance and my emotions, which then directly influences my body image. On those down days, I’m far more gentle with myself. I also masturbate frequently, because it reminds me that I’m a sexual and desirable person.
Affirmations feed into my feelings about my body, too (‘I have a good life, good health, and good friends who are there to support me when I need them’), making me feel better at 43 than I ever did at 20. I now feel sexually driven, not sexually judged. I’ve even felt confident enough to attend a sex party.’
32% - of single women have ‘no interest’ in dating, compared with just 12% of men
1 in 10 women have had sex with more than one person at the same time.
57% Of the singles we polled, the age group most interested in meeting someone new were those aged 55 to 64. Almost three out of five of these women said they were open to the prospect.
Q. Can a relationship ever fully recover from infidelity?
24% of women said yes, versus a more optimistic 42% of men
Reconsidering monogamy
While only 7% of women have been in a consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationship, 14% would be open to one; this figure rises to almost a quarter of women aged 25 to 35 (24%) and a similar number of WH readers (23%). This breakaway from the default of long-term monogamy is due to two factors, says Dedeker Winston, co-host of the Multiamory podcast and author of Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships.
‘A decade of visibility of queer relationships since the legalisation of gay marriage [in 2014 in Great Britain] has coincided with young people questioning whether dominant structures are really working, such as mental healthcare, election cycles, corporate behaviours and, now, relationships.’ Winston finds men are slightly more open to CNM due to ‘positive-seeming patriarchal polygamy’ – essentially, the idea of a man surrounded by wives or in threesomes with two women.
But women may be more likely to initiate CNM, as studies suggest that female desire wanes the longer monogamy lasts (unlike men’s). While Winston praises the excitement of custom-making a relationship, she has one caveat. ‘Most people think that more than one partner means non-commitment or screwing around, but non-monogamy requires a high degree of commitment – to care for all partners, create safety and be able to communicate about uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, envy or loneliness.’
As the cost of living crisis makes it harder for couples to split up for financial reasons alone, and apps such as Feeld facilitate connecting the sexually like-minded, some experts believe that creative relationships could become increasingly mainstream, such as coupling to start a family while continuing to pursue personal sexual interests outside the arrangement.
Q. Would you feel comfortable seeking support from a sex and relationships professional?
The jury’s out on this one. While almost 30% of women said they would feel comfortable, 35% said they wouldn’t.
1 in 10 - the number who told us they’d be open to a sex club, sex party or a group sexual experience
1/3 of women enjoy using sex toys, rising to just over half of those aged 18 to 34 and WH readers.
Porn in a post #MeToo world
Predictably, women watch less porn than men: only 17% of women said they like porn and feel no guilt using it, versus 40% of men. But it’s not necessarily the viewing stats that are intriguing, it’s the guilt. Our survey found that younger women are more likely to feel bad about X-rated viewing, with guilt peaking among those aged 18 to 25.
While Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist at the luxury sex toy retailer Je Joue, believes #MeToo may play a part in this unease. With much material still having a skewed portrayal of consent, guilt is usually a hang-up of watching something you’re not ‘supposed’ to like. ‘Porn is still seen as an erotic tool for men, so heteronormative cultural expectations influence women to look for porn they think male partners would enjoy above what they actually enjoy,’ she says.
A study by behavioural neuroscientist Katherine Goldey found that when women had free reign over their porn choice, they felt more arousal and enjoyment – but also more disgust, guilt and embarrassment – than when researchers assigned erotica to them.
‘Guilt is almost like an emotional tax for liking something that might go against social and moral structures,’ says Cooper, adding that it’s normal to enjoy porn as well as sex, and for the fantasies in each to be different. If it’s the way porn’s created that leaves you feeling bad, try ethical platforms such as Erika Lust, Frolic Me and Make Love Not Porn.
