It’s nearly impossible to listen to the song “Best Friend” by Saweetie and Doja Cat without picturing your bestie—and feeling an instant mood boost. It's not just because the tune is catchy, but because, although romantic relationships and family ties can take a lot of our attention, friendship is the unsung hero of a fulfilling life.
In fact, as you age, friendships become a stronger predictor of your health and happiness than family relationships, according to research by William Chopik, PhD, a social/personality psychologist and Michigan State University associate professor.
Friendships influence your well-being so much, that when friends are a source of strain, people report more chronic illnesses, another of Chopik’s studies found. But when a squad is supportive, folks tend to be happier. After all, “friendships are relationships of choice,” says Chopik. “Whereas with family, you may have less flexibility.”
And as people get older, researchers theorize that there���s a tendency for them to prioritize meaningful friendships over superficial ones. But despite the positive impact of a solid network on your long-term well-being, building and sustaining friendships often falls to the wayside in favor of external obligations, like career goals and caretaking duties, and internal obstacles, like self-doubt.
But while you may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, you can make new friends at any age—and still maintain your current bestie bonds. Ahead, experts share their best advice on how to handle friendships as an adult.
Why Friendships Matter In Adulthood
Yup, having healthy friendships can literally make you healthier, physically and mentally. Just a few benefits:
- Having positive experiences in social relationships is associated with lower systolic blood pressure while under stress, per a study in Social Psychological and Personality Science.
- Greater social cohesion is linked to a reduced risk of depression, according to research in The American Journal of Psychiatry.
- Loneliness is associated with health conditions such as coronary heart disease (CHD) and stroke, and there's a 50 percent increased likelihood of survival for those in strong social relationships, per research in PLOS Medicine.
- Spending time with your friends “reduces stress,” according to Chopik.
How can I make new friends as an adult?
If you could use another pal or two, you’re not alone (even if, well, you feel like you are). “Over 60 percent of us report loneliness on a regular basis,” says Shasta Nelson, author of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. “When reaching out to someone, the odds are in your favor that they need it, want it, and would be open to it.” So, where has your next best friend been all this time? Closer than you might think.
Turn a coworker into an out-of-office friend.
Any successful friendship contains three components: Consistent interaction, vulnerability, and positive emotions, says Nelson. It’s easy to check off that first box with coworkers because consistent interaction is built in. The next step? Vulnerability. “Often, at work, we’re only showing this one very professional side of ourselves,” says psychologist Marisa G. Franco, PhD, a professor and the author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. “But vulnerability doesn’t have to be your deepest, darkest secrets. It can be your hobbies, interests, and family life.”
As for sparking positive emotions? Ask yourself, “How do I make my coworkers feel? Am I helping? Do I cheer for them? Can they trust I’ll be proud of them?” Nelson says. Naturally, empowering and supporting your coworkers can lead to stronger bonds, but also, “people with friends at work are more engaged, more likely to be retained, and more innovative,” says Franco. Plus, those benefits extend beyond 9-to-5 relationships—caring coworkers inspire people to be supportive to their partner at home, per a study from the University of Bath’s School of Management in England. Job squad goals!
Look for good neighbors to become even better friends.
Moving to a new place often means starting from scratch: Introducing yourself to neighbors, meeting others at local events, and joining community organizations. And you can't go wrong stopping by your neighbors’ homes with freshly baked cookies or wine, says Franco. This tried-and-true friend-making method will allow you to strike up a convo. Try the insight-and-question method where you “comment on something about your shared circumstance and ask the other person a question about it,” says Franco. Like: I love your doormat, where did you get it? You can also share contact information and offer to help in case of emergency, adds Nelson, since “doing favors bonds both people.”
Plus, simply showing up on your neighbor's doorstep is an effectual tactic for making friends, thanks to the mere exposure effect, a.k.a., the unconscious tendency to like people the more you see them, per Franco. That's why becoming a regular at your neighborhood coffee shop or going on daily walks where you might see familiar faces, is helpful.
Hone in on a hobby to find a pal with shared interests.
Remember: Consistency is key to burgeoning buds. “This is why friendship experts say, ‘volunteer’ or ‘join a gym,’” explains Nelson. “It’s not that those things make better friends; it’s that if you’re consistent at those things, you’re seeing the same people.”
To take a friendship outside of your regular rock-climbing class or book club, you have to “repot” it, Franco says. “When you vary the settings in which you interact, it tends to deepen the friendship.” So, go ahead and suggest that post-climb happy hour!
Survey your S.O.'s existing squad for your next BFF.
Getting more serious with a partner offers tons of friend-making opps—and, of course, clicking with your S.O.’s squad can help your ’ship too. When first meeting their friends, whether you’re on a double date or at a housewarming party as a plus-one, lean into positivity, suggests Nelson. Start small and focus on one connection at a time. Begin the convo with validating and affirming statements like, “I’m so excited to meet you; I’ve heard great things about you,” she says.
That said, “the bigger the group, the harder it is to get to know each person,” says Franco, so don't be afraid to suggest a one-on-one hang. You can always invite your partner along, as it might help both parties feel more at ease. But there are a lot of perks to a bonding sesh sans S.O. When you’re with your partner, you naturally tap into one side of yourself, Franco says, but new and different sides might come out when on your own. Trust the awesomeness of your solo self!
Use a life change to spark new connections.
Seeking out and spending time with new friends who can identify, validate, and empathize with your life experience is a powerful form of community support, says Hope Kelaher, LCSW, a therapist and the author of Here To Make Friends: How To Make Friends As An Adult based in New York City. Think: going through a divorce, a retirement, or the trials of early parenthood. “People in life transitions are particularly open to connection,” Franco adds. “If you reach out, they’re more likely to be open to it.” Next time you’re worried about cold-messaging the other just-started employee at work? Think of it as phoning a (new) friend.
HOT TIP: *Assume* people like you. “When you do, the ‘acceptance prophecy’ happens, wherein it kind of unleashes the part of you that’s friendlier and warmer and kinder,” says Franco, “and then it becomes a self-fulfilling process.” After all, what’s not to like?!
How do I maintain my friendships?
News flash: Unlike cruise ships, friendships don’t fare well on autopilot. In fact, those who believed friendships should be easy and took a passive approach to maintaining them were lonelier than those who thought they took effort, found a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Here's how to overcome companionship-crushing obstacles and secure a bond built to last.
Decide who's deserving of your time—and use it wisely.
When figuring out who to keep in your inner circle, and who to say “thank u, next” to, you generally want to choose people who have your best interest in mind, says Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, a temperament therapist and author of The Friendship Bond. Ask yourself: Do you find this person interesting or inspiring? Do you share the same values? Are your conversations energizing or are they draining? “Any relationship that makes you feel good and adds value to your life is a great foundation for friendship,” says Danielle Bayard Jackson, a female friendship coach. Ultimately, you should feel like the best version of yourself when you’re around them.
Schedule around PPP.
When it comes to platonic relationships, split your time into three areas: Purpose, pleasure, and play, says Mills. Purpose describes making a difference together, such as volunteering; pleasure means enjoying the good things in life, like dinners and vacations; and play is about experiencing new things with one another. “All three areas create memories and build bonds,” says Mills.
Make fun a regular part of your routine.
Instead of exchanging seemingly endless texts to try and find a time when you’re both free, set a ritual—like weekly trivia night—so you have a set recurring event. This way, it’s built into your schedule and doesn’t require additional planning or effort, says Andrea Bonior, PhD, a clinical psychologist and the author of The Friendship Fix.
Stack your time.
“A lot of us say, ‘Oh, I just don’t have time,’ because we’re looking for additional hours instead of layering the time we do have,” says Jackson. Say you have only three social hours this weekend. Instead of wishing for more, make a mundane chore like laundry more fun by hopping on a 30-minute call with a friend. You get to check in with your fave while checking off those “ugh” errands. Win-win.
For long-distance friendships:
Your BFF just moved across the country and now your ’ship is—sigh—separated by a few thousand miles. First things first: Don’t ditch the digital tools. Social media doesn’t take away from in-person interactions, according to a study from the University of Kansas. Instead, it’s “used to compensate for lost social connections,” says lead study author Jeffrey Hall, PhD, a professor of communication studies, associate chair, and director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas. To level up your long-distance platonic love, create a virtual version of whatever rituals you used to do IRL, like a Zoom watch party when a shared show premieres—complete with cocktails and snacks.
But your only form of face time doesn’t have to be FaceTime. Maybe you can’t visit each other on the reg, but you can plan a yearly trip together so you don’t drift apart, says Bonior. (Btw, this doesn’t need to be an expensive getaway—stay a few days in a smaller city or at a countryside Airbnb.) Another fun option? Embracing the power of snail mail. Handwritten letters and care packages require a bit more effort and creativity than a casual text, signaling to your friend that they’re top of mind. Finding creative ways to spend time together so the relationship doesn’t go stale or fizzle is key, says Jackson.
For besties navigating different life stages:
To quote Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast,” but just because you and your closest pal are growing up doesn’t mean you have to grow apart.
Acknowledge your differences.
POV: Your best friend recently got married, and while you’re happy for them, you just can’t relate to their new life. You fear your closest pal would rather hang out with their other married friends, and start to reach out less and less. Thinking you’ll get left behind is a common mistake, says Jackson. Instead of feeling concerned or threatened, simply acknowledge that you care about this person and want to maintain the friendship by saying something like: “I know you have your new married life now, but I want to stay connected.” Articulating your intention to stay friends is usually enough to make sure it happens, says Jackson.
Firm up common ground.
Maybe you don’t know what it means to have a newborn, but you can think back to a time when you were nervous in the beginning of new a life stage and how much you appreciated having someone in your corner. Empathize with your friend's new situation by simply being there. Show a genuine interest by asking questions about a new job, checking in about their recent move, or even sitting with them while they breastfeed. Sometimes, people get too hyper-fixated on the details of the change that they overlook the similarities in the experience they can relate to, says Jackson. By focusing on what you still have in common, you'll show up the best you can.
Avoid language that creates separation.
For example, it's best not to say things like, “You’ll understand once you get to this stage”—as that can be hurtful, says Jackson. Life stages aren’t linear, so there’s no need to make your friend feel inferior or behind for not getting there yet, or at all.
Tighten loose ties.
Even as you nourish existing connections, also invest in newish ones, like the friend of a friend who lives in the city you just moved to. When you’re in certain life stages, such as making a big move, it makes sense to prioritize acquaintances who might understand your current lifestyle better and can help you navigate novel challenges, says Jackson. After all, research suggests that having a shared sense of reality plays an important role in building as well as maintaining social connections. But it’s not about replacing old friends, says Jackson, “it’s about finding different circles of friends who identify with the various aspects of your identity.” Plus, the more the merrier, right? And who knows: This weak tie may become one of your strongest bonds.
Overall, it's totally possible to both create—and maintain—new friendships as an adult. It's a worthwhile endeavor that not only benefits your mental and physical health, but also helps you live a fulfilling life. Now, get out there and connect—you got this!
Meet the Experts: William Chopik, PhD, is a social/personality psychologist and Michigan State University associate professor. Shasta Nelson is the author of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Marisa G. Franco, PhD, is a psychologist, professor, and the author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. Hope Kelaher, LCSW, is a therapist and the author of Here To Make Friends: How To Make Friends As An Adult based in New York City. Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, is a temperament therapist and author of The Friendship Bond. Andrea Bonior, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and the author of The Friendship Fix. Danielle Bayard Jackson is a female friendship coach. Jeffrey Hall, PhD, is a professor of communication studies, associate chair, and director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas.
Lindsay Geller is the Lifestyle Director at Women’s Health, where she oversees the Life, Sex & Love, and Relationships sections on WomensHealthMag.com and the Mind section of Women's Health magazine. When she's not writing or editing articles about the latest dating trends and pop culture phenomenons, she's usually watching reality TV or playing with her dog, Lucille (Go Fetch That) Ball.
Lydia Wang is the love & life editor at Women’s Health, where she writes and edits articles about sex, relationships, identity, and pop culture. She lives in New York and spends way too much of her free time reading romance novels in coffee shops and tweeting about her favorite dating shows.
Naydeline Mejia is an assistant editor at Women’s Health, where she covers sex, relationships, and lifestyle for WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She is a proud graduate of Baruch College and has more than two years of experience writing and editing lifestyle content. When she’s not writing, you can find her thrift-shopping, binge-watching whatever reality dating show is trending at the moment, and spending countless hours scrolling through Pinterest.
