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They’re happening. They’ve been happening for as long as sex has been sex, and people have been people. Groups of people have gathered in various locations, in groups of various sizes and various vibes, with the intention of having sex with each other.
Of course, there are many different iterations of the sex party – the gay sauna; the all-gender dark room at the queer club; swingers parties in tiny villages in the unlikeliest places – and then there are Bacchic orgies on nudist beaches all across the world. There are impromptu sex parties, highly exclusive sex parties, invite-only affairs with themes like “lace and leather”. (Personally, I find these the most cringe of all, but whatever gets you off.)
So, you or your partner has expressed interest in going to a sex party together – perhaps because you’ve always wanted to, perhaps because you’re looking to spice up your sex life, or perhaps because there seems to be a growing cultural interest in non-monogamy, polyamory and good old-fashioned swinging. Whatever the reason, there are a few key things to know before you go.
Start with figuring out and discussing your intentions. It might sound simple, but there are many different geographies to group sex: are you going to watch? Are you going to share each other with others? Or will one of you watch while the other is shared? Are you into voyeurism, cuckoldry, group, or are you just there to experience the atmosphere, have a cocktail, then go home and fuck in the privacy of your own kitchen? Allow yourself to imagine what could happen, and what you want to happen.
The next thing worth discussing is where you differ on the things you’re seeking from this experience. It’s in poorly communicated differences that the ties between sex-party-goers can fray, and while a fray isn’t unfixable, it seems important – not just in the context of the party, but in your sex lives more generally – to understand where you and your partner’s desires depart. It’s a hard conversation to have, but in taking the step to go to a sex party, you’ve already established that you both want something other than what you’ve been doing together thus far. Indeed, it’s in our varying curiosities and desires that I have found new sexual spaces open up between myself and my partner. I’ve found that when a partner expresses a sexual desire, my impulse to attend to that desire reminds me of our sexual compatibility. It makes me think of all the worlds our sex could travel to, and that makes me feel excited for my own, and our shared, sexual future.
Still, the admission of desires previously unexplored between you and partner can be challenging, and take some time for both of you to come around to. Say they desire something that you just can’t consent to. That’s okay; it’s important for both partners to meet each other’s limits with grace. But at other times, the resistance can come from trying to reimagine the boundaries of ownership and belonging that you were raised with, which can be really difficult.
A final thing to be sure of is that you understand what you’re entering into. The spaces where sex parties happen are sacred, and important to so many as a way to express their sexualities. Talk about the way you’ll take up space, both as a couple and individually, and the way you’ll seek consent. Think about things like how loud you speak, or how you’ll engage with people and bodies you’re attracted to – and those you’re not.
When you’re actually at the party, you may have to prepare for a small amount of hurt, or jealousy, or strange trepidation. Something in your body that tells you this is a little wrong (it’s not), or that, as you descend the stairs and hear a thumping bass, you are about to jeopardise everything you’ve built with your partner. Once again, if you really don’t want to, you really don’t have to. But listen to those feelings and ask where they’re coming from. Are they a reaction to something happening in real life, or is their source the very ideas that you’re excited to challenge? Expect a small amount of pain when you watch your partner being checked out, or fucking someone else; expect to feel unusually amazing when someone checks you out, or you fuck someone else. Expect complicated feelings – ones which ask you to hold multiple ideas as true at once. Yes, it’s weird to get off with someone new. Yes, that does feel really incredible. Yes, you could have been doing this the whole time. And yes, it’s also possible that you’ll just want to go home with your partner and forget all of this ever happened.
People at these parties want to have sex in a way that is arguably less usual than how most people have sex, and in my experience, that always creates the potential for great sex. Ideally, you’ll feel connected to your partner for the most part, and you will have stayed (mostly) inside the lines that you drew together. But sometimes, in the moment, those lines may blur. As long as you aren’t harmed, try to be understanding: is the hurt arising because your partner has acted out of malice, or out of the pursuit of their own, or even your shared, pleasure? Hopefully this isn’t the overarching feeling. For me, it’s the after-party between you both that’s almost the best part of a sex party.
By the night’s end, you have created both a thrilling new memory together and a thrilling new vernacular of shared desire. You have the opportunity to talk about what worked for you and what didn’t, and you get to enjoy the feeling of having done something that perhaps goes against your expectations of yourselves, and of each other. There’ll be some weird stuff, like coming to terms with the fact that some people may have rejected your advances, but not your partner’s, and vice versa. But remember who is there the next day: the person you chose and you’re still choosing. By pushing your partnership through this arguably complicated process, you may well feel – in the morning, at least – rather invincible in your togetherness. Because you did it: after a night of wild sex with other people, when you both had the option and you both took it, you both still ended up where you started – with each other.
Sure, there are times when it all goes sideways. Have a language for this, too. My rule is that whoever wants to leave first dictates the leaving time. If they’re having an amazing time but I want to get takeout, for example, we leave on my say-so. If something worse happens – complicated consent, or a situation it’s hard to protect each other from – be sure to act quickly, to tell people when necessary, and exercise the proper aftercare. In my experience, this is rare. Engaging with a community of people that has come together to revel in the liberating potential that group sex has to offer often means there is a much more developed sense of consent than one might have thought.
A sex party, like a lot of non-monogamy, is an exercise in trust, forgiveness and imagination. It asks you to understand that intent and action can be very different, and it asks you to imagine what the pursuit of pleasure looks like for you. You might hate it, and that’s okay. Just keep talking and keep fucking, whether it’s with a giant group of people who all own RVs in Maine, or just you and your partner in your marital bed. Whatever feels good.