I was sitting in a sushi restaurant with my friend Ellen, watching the slow rotation of dishes on a conveyor belt. I felt like we were in Sex and the City, but stopped myself from saying that out loud, because I’m always saying that. I took a California roll between my chopsticks, dunking it into the soy sauce until it started to come apart at the edges. Ellen leaned over to read a conversation I had loaded up with a guy on my phone. “Yeah, he’s not into it,” she said. “I get that he works unpredictable hours, but he could still find the time to reply.”
I thought about all the things I’d done wrong. He was talking about a political figure and I asked who it was and it was someone whose name I definitely should have known. I forgot that I was wearing lip-plumping gloss, so when we made out, his lips started stinging and he had to wipe his mouth with the back of his sleeve. “But that’s so adorable!” Ellen said when we got on the bus home together. “Imagine if I did those things; you’d think it was charming. You need to stop turning every rejection around onto yourself.”
“Yeah, I think if I liked myself more, maybe he–”
“You shouldn’t like yourself more so you’re more attractive; you should do it because it’s good to like yourself.”
The next day I was at Lucky & Joy for dinner with my friend Hannah. That song “Untouched” by The Veronicas was playing so loud it was making me want to go out even though it was a Thursday. Once again I felt like I was in Sex and the City. And once again I’d been going over what I could have done better with that guy. I was telling her about how I was annoyed because I was so chill about it at the beginning, which is always the case, but then I got invested and he started disengaging.
“How you felt at the beginning – when you had too much on and you wanted to focus on your book and you wanted to party with your friends – that’s all he’ll be feeling now,” Hannah said. “It doesn’t have to mean he’s not into you because you’re gross or weird or something.”
Hearing that made me feel a lot better because it took the sting of embarrassment out of the rejection. He wasn’t into it in the way I wasn’t into it before; it wasn’t that I didn’t like him, it’s just that there were so many other things going on.
I took a bite out of my fried chicken. “I think you spend so much time thinking about how the things you do or say will influence the outcome of your relationships with men,” Hannah continued. “Right down to the most minor things. But you forget to consider that these men have their own needs and past lives and stupid learned behaviours. And all you can do is take them for who they are at this point in time and the energy they give to you.”
A few days later, I’m trying to work but I keep thinking about this outfit I bought that I was planning on taking a really hot picture in and fantasising about how he’d feel seeing said picture, like he’d made the biggest mistake of his life, like he can’t live without me. But then I remembered that TikTok where girls film themselves looking good under the heading, “He knows you’re pretty – you’re just not the girl that he wants.” It’s true. It’s not that men don’t know that you’re smart and funny and hot; it’s that it doesn’t matter because there’s someone or something more important in their life.
I came back from the gym and there were all these endorphins coursing through me, making me see things differently. I wondered why on earth I’m worried about some guy ignoring me. Does he know who I am? What is he bringing to my life? I have a big ass and an even bigger heart; my eyes are all sleepy and sexy; and I’m a writer – like, that’s so cool, who actually gets to have that as their job?
A few weeks later, I was in central London with my friend Moya, and someone I dated a while ago walked past and avoided making eye contact. I used to fancy him so much that it turned my stomach over, but somehow it didn’t hurt at all to see him slip by and disappear again into the crowd. I know I’ll probably end up feeling this way about the guy I’m currently obsessing over too, and even though that feels sad now, when we get to that point, it won’t, because of all the things the people in my life have said and all the ways I’ve started to believe in myself. And so I’ll watch him go, probably already thinking about some other guy who hasn’t answered my texts.
