When couples love each other but dread bedtime together, a sleep divorce may be the solution.
Eli McCann, a lawyer and humor columnist in Salt Lake City, Utah, recently tried out the concept by accident when a hotel reservation didn't turn out as expected.
"My husband and I stayed in a hotel room last night that had two beds and I now understand Lucy and Ricky Ricardo," he wrote on X in June 2024.
"Slept so well I saw the face of God. I look 20 again. I genuinely think my life expectancy might be 150 now."
McCann, 40, describes his home sleeping situation as becoming "absurd" over the years. The couple's two dogs sleep in bed with them, and McCann's husband is a very active sleeper and "instinctive snuggler," he says, meaning McCann gets a sliver of the bed’s territory.
"At the hotel, it felt amazing to spread out on my own space without bumping into another body," McCann tells TODAY.com.
"I also didn’t have to worry about my own movements disturbing anyone. I fell asleep almost instantly — very abnormal for me — and slept through the night."
He recalls that his great-grandparents slept in separate rooms when he was growing up because they couldn’t agree on room temperature. McCann once thought they must have hated each other, but now believes they were geniuses.
"I don’t anticipate a permanent sleep divorce in my life, but I do think we will likely sleep in separate rooms more often, particularly if one of us has a big day ahead," he says.
What is a sleep divorce?
Snoring, body heat, restless legs, insomnia, different schedules and a yearning for personal space are just some of the reasons why some happy couples choose to sleep apart, whether in separate beds in the same room, or in separate rooms altogether.
The arrangements can vary. Michael Breus, a Los Angeles-area clinical psychologist who is also known as “The Sleep Doctor,” told TODAY he knows some couples who sleep separately during the week, but together on the weekends. It may be worth trying it out three times a week at first to see how it feels, Dr. Mehmet Oz advised.
TODAY’s Carson Daly and his wife, Siri Daly, started sleeping in separate bedrooms while she was pregnant with their fourth child, Goldie, born on March 26, 2020.
“I was served my sleep-divorce papers a few years ago,” he explained on TODAY. “It’s the best thing that ever happened to us. We both, admittedly, slept better apart.”
Actress Cameron Diaz also supports the concept.
“We should normalize separate bedrooms” for married couples, she said in December 2023.
An online survey of 2,005 adults in the U.S. commissioned by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine in 2023 found more than one-third occasionally or consistently sleep in another room to accommodate a bed partner.
Sleep divorce pros and cons
Some couples say the arrangement can improve their marriage, leaving them more rested, and reducing conflict and resentment.
Elizabeth and Ryan Pearson listed snoring and different bed times among the reasons they've been sleeping in different rooms for years.
"Once we connected the dots that we slept so much better separately, we really embraced it," Elizabeth Pearson told TODAY in a segment that aired in December 2023.
"To wake up resentful from not having a good night of sleep... that's not great for sex life and intimacy," Ryan Pearson added. "Sleep is the key to happiness."
But Dr. Carol Ash, a sleep expert at RWJ Barnabas Health in New Jersey, said she wants couples to sleep together because it's healthier for the relationship.
"When you sleep with a bed partner, you have synchronization and stabilization of the pattern of sleep brain waves," Ash told TODAY during the same segment.
"It improves the quality of your sleep and that synchronization, we believe, is responsible for a healthy relationship."
Sleeping together leads to bonding hormones being released; plus, people have better mental health, she noted.
Examine the reason why you are sleeping apart, Ash advised: If snoring is the problem, look into medical interventions. If it's relationship conflict, it's important to solve that, she noted.
How to make a sleep divorce work
Tamara Green, a New York couples therapist, says she has seen the arrangement improve patients’ relationships and love lives. It’s “absolutely” still possible to maintain a good sexual connection, she noted.
“They get enough rest and they feel like they are able to hear each other out and get their needs met,” Green tells TODAY.com.
Still, the subject can be difficult to broach with a partner. Green had these tips for people who want to try sleeping in a bed or bedroom of their own:
Discuss the new arrangements before sleeping apart
Start with letting your partner know why you love and appreciate him, then bring up that you haven’t been sleeping well.
Stay away from the word “you,” as in, “You keep me up at night.” Instead, use the word “we” — “We don’t seem to have a completely restful night of sleep because we just have different sleep styles.” That way, you’re not blaming, but explaining. When couples do this, the defenses go way down, Green says.
Suggest a change: “I’m wondering if you’re open to trying things that may work for both of us. I only bring this up because I deeply care about you and our relationship and the quality of our sleep.”
Schedule together time before heading to separate beds
Take opportunities to touch each other throughout the day. Hug in the kitchen or snuggle while watching TV, for example, Green says. Take quick moments to feel excited with your partner.
Schedule sex in your calendar and make it a priority on those days, she advises. Don’t forget to schedule date nights, too.
Express your appreciation
Green suggests saying: “I’m so grateful that we can work these things out together. That’s why I fell in love with you in the first place.” Or: “I really appreciate that you’re hearing how hard it is for me to sleep.”
