The struggle is real, but I’m choosing to count my blessings this Lent.
Becoming a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is also a huge privilege and so, this Lent, in the midst of poor mental health, extreme sleep deprivation and crippling indecision, I am trying to practise being grateful.
Whatever our religion, the 40 days before Easter provide a chance to pause, recalibrate and recall how much we have to be thankful for. This is not an invitation to merely ignore our problems. The Bible, not least the book of Job, is filled with candid exclamations and anguished cries, encouraging us to vocalise our pain. As we approach a spring tainted by joblessness, rising living costs and anxious thoughts, it’s important to acknowledge how challenging life is for so many. I’m painfully aware my post-natal depression cannot just be switched off, and honest conversations with those willing to share their struggles and sit with me in mine have been a lifeline during this difficult season.
There is, however, significant merit in observing thankfulness. It takes hard work, but even trying this can dramatically lift our mood. Acknowledging what we are thankful for may reverse what psychologists call our “negative bias” — that negative events tend to have a greater impact on our brains than positive ones. Practising gratitude is good for us.
Saint Paul urges the Thessalonians to “give thanks in all circumstances”. Such is probably impossible, but this Lent I am attempting to start and end each day listing five things I’m thankful for: the weather, a friend’s kindness, minimal nappy leaks! I write these by my bed so when I’m struggling to sleep, I can glance over and remind myself. I also encourage us to share what we are grateful for at mealtimes, which helps set a positive trajectory for the ensuing conversation.
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Before Lent I had a propensity to surpass other parents’ grievances with my own tales of sleepless nights, physical ailments or screaming babies. There is evidently a time and place for cathartic ranting, but even half an hour of regular complaining can physically damage us. Research from Stanford University suggests negativity may shrink the area of our brain that deals with problem solving, emotion, memory and knowledge. As we become more aggravated, the stress hormone cortisol floods our bloodstream and results in further frustration. It’s no wonder I sometimes left baby groups feeling worse than when I arrived!
Practising gratitude is also good for those around us. Spending time with a perpetual complainer can be draining. I’ve noticed that the more negative I am, the more self-absorbed I become: conversations revolve around me and my situation. Conversely, gratitude is directed away from the self to others. By intentionally counting our blessings, we become more thankful to those around us (and God) and are more likely to see the best in them.
We cannot always control our situations, nor can we help the way we feel, but we can choose how we respond and regulate what we say. This can have a huge impact on others. Since the beginning of Lent, I have tried to curb negative comments, smile at everyone I see and thank individuals at every opportunity. Sure, I have encountered strange looks, but people have largely responded positively.
Practising gratitude isn’t easy, but the more I give thanks for what I have, the less I dwell on what I don’t. Struggles don’t miraculously disappear, my baby still believes 3am is the optimum time to start the day, but I have realised there is always something to be thankful for. Apparently, it takes an average of 66 days to change or create a habit, so expressing gratitude will not likely become second nature overnight. However, I’m hoping that by the end of my 40-day Lenten endeavour I will choose thankfulness more often than self-pity.
Lent is not merely an excuse to revisit failed new year’s resolutions and master self-improvement. Christians often use this period to look outside themselves and reflect on Jesus’s broken body, taking comfort from the nail-scarred God who comes to meet us in our pain. Good Friday’s Cross reassures us that we do not struggle alone, while Easter’s empty tomb reminds us that brokenness is not the end of the Christian story.
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Practising gratitude hasn’t removed my problems or changed my situation, but it has dramatically shifted my perspective. By choosing to look up this Lent I have found myself profoundly comforted by a loving God who promises to draw close and bring overwhelming hope even in our darkest moments.
Ruth Jackson is mum to baby Eden-Grace, a producer for Premier Christian Radio’s Unbelievable? and co-hosts The C.S. Lewis Podcast with Professor Alister McGrath