Wellness is not the same as healthy, or happy, or fit, although it does encompass all these things. It’s a modern ideal, embodied by Gwyneth Paltrow and her ilk, founded on green juice and good vibes and backlit selfies in airy kitchens. What goes unsaid is that wellness is really just a new word for affluence. Ever since the recession put bling in a bad light, new, more subtle signifiers of elitism have begun to replace it — from Whole Foods Market carrier bags to ostentatious meditation in £98 leggings. Today, having the time to do yoga at 3pm and tweet about it afterwards is the equivalent of spending all day at Selfridges back in the Noughties.
Arguably, raving about your spiraliser is better than crazed consumerism, but the trouble with wellness is that there’s no cap on boring on about it. For all it might purport to be a personal endeavour, it’s very much a public stance, played out on social media to much mutual backslapping. Equally moronic is the conviction that wellness is available to all, when Riverford veg boxes, Pilates classes and eight hours’ sleep manifestly aren’t. Perhaps it’s just part of a grand tradition of rich girls missing the point. As Marie Antoinette might have said: “Let them eat cacao.”
What kind of wellness snob are you? Take our test to find out
How do you greet the day?
a) With gratitude, a headstand, hot water and lemon.
b) Spinning on an empty stomach, followed by a £6 cold-pressed green juice.
c) Pret porridge. I’m trying to be good.
Which yoghurt would we find in your fridge?
a) Coyo. Dairy is for baby cows, not humans.
b) Total 0% Greek yoghurt: the protein content is amazing.
c) FroYo. It’s my pretend ice cream.
What is the bane of your life?
a) That question saddens me. I try not to surround myself with negative energy.
b) Commuting. Especially when the announcements drown out my Headspace app. Aaagh.
c) My cellulite.
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And your guilty pleasure?
a) Almond butter. But I don’t feel bad, because it’s loaded with awesomeness.
b) Wine. Although I only drink red, so at least I’m getting antioxidants.
c) Lindt chocolate. And curry.
When and how do you wear leggings?
a) All the time! Love my Aztec Lululemons with a crop top.
b) For Bikram, with a sweat-wicking Nike Woman vest.
c) For cleaning, with anything that covers my bum.
What would you only eat at gunpoint?
a) Gluten. So bad for the gut. #goglutenfree
b) McDonald’s.
c) Dog.
Who would be your celebrity gym buddy, and what workout would you do?
a) Barrecore with Gwyneth. *sighs*
b) Boxing with Cameron Diaz.
c) Zumba with Davina McCall.
What do you worry about at 3am?
a) That time I gave my baby sprouted flax powder as a snack, and then saw it said “not suitable for infants” on the packet.
b) That I’ll never master mindfulness.
c) All the emails I haven’t replied to.
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What is your plan B?
a) I dream of patenting my latest invention, “parsta” (parsnip pasta). It’s insanely yummy.
b) Retrain as a nutritionist or Pilates instructor.
c) Find a rich husband.
Wellness Status Rating
Mostly A: Super
You’re fanatical about nourishing your mind, body and soul (especially body). You spend hours planning which nutrient-dense food to energise yourself with next and styling it for Pinterest. Your other passion is posting motivational mottos such as “Go the extra mile, it’s never crowded!”, even though you only work part-time. You are BPA-free, but bleach your hair and teeth.
Mostly B: High
You’re probably a recent convert to wellness, having previously been more of a fast-living, calorie-counting gym junkie. You’re well informed and have noble intentions, but you’re trying so hard that you’re missing two wellness essentials — zen-like calm and a goofy smile (Google Tara Stiles for reference). All that spinning and juicing has made you rather intense. Try knitting.
Mostly C: Average
You’re a bit green (not in a good way). You know that sugar is bad and avocados are good, but you’re a long way off Instagramming mounds of courgetti. Your problem is, you still equate good health with self-denial, and until you change this mind-set, you will never achieve wellness. That’s OK. The last thing the world needs is more photographs of salad.