Breaking news. I come straight from Health Questions where, much to everyone’s shock, Simon Burns, the Minister in constant need of anger management, has ended his feud with the Speaker. Snow White will be pleased. Snow is known, unlike one of her famous seven little men, to have been Unhappy about the entire saga.
It all began, once upon a time as they say, when Mr Burns was ticked off by the Speaker for not facing forward when addressing the Chamber last June.
At this Mr Burns, more firecracker than slow fuse, began to live up to his name. His face got redder and redder until, twitching with anger, jumping round the bench as if he had been hijacked by Mexican jumping beans, he began to mutter loudly, calling Mr Bercow a “stupid sanctimonious dwarf”.
Mr Bercow ignored the outburst. Others did not. The Walking with Giants Foundation objected and Mr Burns apologised, but not to Mr Bercow. The Speaker, who admits to being vertically challenged, is believed to be 5ft 6in. But I do not think that even makes him the shortest man in the Commons. (By the way, the man with the shortest name is Tim Yeo and no one abuses him.)
The feud simmered on. Mr Speaker is a man whom many Tories love to hate. They resent that he used to be right wing but became left wing, though now, of course, as Speaker he is supposed to be no wing (do keep up at the back!). Plus there is the issue of his (very tall) wife Sally, last seen wearing a bedsheet and talking about sex. Snow would not approve of that either.
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But I digress. The plot took an unexpected twist a few months ago when the Prime Minister, of all people, repeated a joke told by the minister in which he backs into Mr Bercow’s car. “I’m not Happy,” the Speaker said. “Well which one are you then?” came back the reply. Cue uproarious laughter.
Yesterday, at Health Questions, Mr Burns was being his usual pugnacious self. Labour MPs, on the warpath over the unpopular NHS reforms, were needling him very badly. For example, here is John Mann: “When will you listen to the country and get your sticky mitts off the health service and stop meddling?”
Mr Burns, flexing his mitts, flailed away. Then a Labour MP asked Mr Burns a question that had nothing to do with the subject being discussed. “Mr Speaker!” objected Mr Burns. But Mr Bercow did not rule the question out of order and, instead, advised Mr Burns that the Labour MP wanted to meet him.
I feared an explosion. “Mr Speaker!” exclaimed Mr Burns. “You are a wise owl to be able to interpret what honourable members opposite are thinking but may not be saying!”
At this, an owl sound — which I can only translate as “twoooot” — could be heard. And Mr Bercow was, unmistakeably, happy. “Wise owl is the kindest description you have ever offered of me. I’m going to take it that you mean it!” he said to much laughter. “It’s the best I’ll get!”
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At which point, a Labour MP shouted: “It’s a hoot.”
It’s also a happy ending but then, don’t forget, in fairy tales, as opposed to politics, everything ends happily ever after.