GAY VICARS
Channel 4, 8pm
When the Civil Partnership Act came into force in December, a number of gay clergy chose to make their partnerships official. Tonight’s programme follows two such people — Elaine, a former Baptist, and Richard, an Anglican priest — as they seek to take advantage of the new legislation. The Church of England has said that gay clergy are allowed to marry, provided that they remain celibate. “I look forward to using the new law,” says Richard. “I won’t ask permission to do so, and I certainly won’t promise to be celibate.” The programme includes an interview with the openly gay Bishop of New Hampshire, Gene Robinson.
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BODYSHOCK
Channel 4, 9pm
A little girl was born to an impoverished family in the Central Andes suffering from sirenomelia (“mermaid syndrome”), which meant that her legs were fused together and she had no external genitals. It was the first case recorded in Peru. For doctors and politicians, “the little mermaid” provided an opportunity for shameless self-promotion; her operation was sponsored by a charismatic and controversial plastic surgeon who runs a chain of hospitals, and the mayor of Lima became her godfather. The six-hour operation was broadcast live on television, which the parents watched surrounded by press. “I feel they are taking my soul away,” sobbed the mother.
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THE THICK OF IT
BBC Two, 10pm
Once again, this is the comic highlight of the week by light years. The minister (Chris Langham) is facing a Cabinet reshuffle. In a desperate attempt to find out what is going on, he sends one of his advisers to an early-morning briefing with the Alastair Campbell-like enforcer at No 10 (Peter Capaldi). “The reshuffle?” says the enforcer. “We don’t know anything. I don’t know anything. So we can’t say anything. And even if we did, we wouldn’t — but we don’t. So we both can’t and won’t.” Only later, he tells the Treasury: “The reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone. Which means that is my business.” There is not a great deal worth watching on television this week, so please don’t miss this.
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THE PERFECT PENIS
Channel 4, 11pm
Channel 4 introduces a short penis season (Oh, grow up. Ed) starting tonight with a programme about “the quest for penile perfection”. Viewers are invited to meet the Russian surgeons who amputated a penis and grew it on a patient’s arm, and another man whose penis is described as having “real pulling power”. It doesn’t bear thinking about. Tomorrow night, we have the chance to discover what became of John Wayne Bobbitt in a film made by someone called — and I promise I’m not making this up — Vicky Hamburger. And finally, on Wednesday night, there is a film celebrating size. According to the blurb: “The man claiming to have the world’s biggest penis reveals that there is a bittersweet side to nature’s gift.” Like eye surgery and autopsies on television, these are programmes with minority appeal. DC
MULTICHANNEL CHOICE
THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW
ITV2, 4.40pm
The daytime queen’s chat show celebrates its 20th year with a move to ITV2. In the first of the latest series, Oprah’s new best friends, Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine, give frumpy, sweatpant-loving Americans a slimming makeover.
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READY MEALS NIGHT
BBC Four, from 9pm
Why do the British spend nearly £2 billion a year on ready meals? The answer, of course, is that we’re cash-rich and time-poor and, despite what Gillian McKeith says, they really don’t taste that bad any more. In the first of three themed nights about modern British culture, Time Shift examines the history of the packet dinner and Jonathan Meades delivers a pre-Jamie Oliver rant about reclaimed meat.
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The highlight of the night, though, is the David-and-Goliath story of the postman and gardener who took on McDonald’s and won. Very satisfying.
BEYOND THE MOON: FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION
History Channel, 9pm
In 1961 President Kennedy set out his goal to put a man on the Moon, and in 1969 Nasa fulfilled it. But after that the money dried up and Nasa was left without a clear mission or adequate funding. This macho documentary examines the space agency’s life-threatening predicament.
SECRET FILES OF THE INQUISITION
UKTV History, 9pm
If you like your history served up with a hefty dollop of melodrama, this colourful re-enactment of the Catholic Church’s horrific revenge on a medieval French village of heretics, based on Vatican archives, will appeal.
DEATH BY EXCESS
Sky One, 10pm
The latest in this series of salacious cautionary tales turns the spotlight on four rock gods who lived fast, died young and failed to leave beautiful corpses. Jimi Hendrix choked on his own vomit after taking sleeping pills; Sid Vicious overdosed on heroin while facing a conviction for murder; Kurt Cobain seemingly blew his head off with a shotgun while full of heroin; and Keith Moon overdosed on medication prescribed for his alcoholism. CGI images show the damage these lads were doing to their organs. It’s a wonder they survived so long.
DEATH WISH LIVE!
E4, 10pm
E4 goes for the shock factor with this heavily trailed week of dangerous live stunts presented by Alex Zane. Tonight, the escapologist Jonathan Goodwin will try to cheat the gallows, risking a broken neck if the trick goes wrong — it will be shown with a short time delay, just in case. Other extreme acts this week include “animal attack” (tomorrow), featuring rats and jellyfish; a man on a bed of nails being run over by a truck (Wednesday); “the human torch” (Thursday); and an escape from a buried coffin (Friday). GS