THE CULTURE SHOW
BBC Two, 7pm/11.20pm
Here’s one you won’t want to miss — or not. To complement the winter Olympics, Zina Saro-Wiwa reports from the Snow Show — an exhibition at Sestriere in Italy featuring works in ice and snow by, among others, Yoko Ono. According to the curator, Lance Fung: “This exhibition will necessarily place a new emphasis on the temporal process of ageing, melting, and disintegration.” If you haven’t melted or disintegrated, there is also an examination of the work of Winslow Homer before his first one-man show in the UK. Homer, who died in 1910, is considered by some to be America’s greatest artist.
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HORIZON
BBC Two, 9pm
This is another of those mind-bending editions designed to bring the layman up to date with the latest theories of cosmology — and scramble their brains in the process. Apparently the stars in our galaxy defy Newton’s law of gravity and are held in place by dark matter, which is the name given to an entirely theoretical X-Factor that explains the inexplicable. This theory has now been superseded by the so-called Standard Model, which suggests that the universe consists of 4 per cent atoms (which we know about), 21 per cent dark matter (which nobody can find) and 75 per cent dark energy (which nobody can understand). Meanwhile, another scientist — who spends much of the programme in a glider — says that the Standard Model is pure theoretical speculation, and has more to do with belief than science.
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KIDNAP RONNIE BIGGS
Channel 4, 9pm
An unsavoury bunch of British mercenaries describe how they kidnapped Ronnie Biggs from Brazil in 1981, 18 years after the Great Train Robbery. To this day, nobody knows who was behind the kidnapping, although it is likely to have been a “deniable operation” financed by a branch of the UK Government. The kidnappers bundled Biggs out of a restaurant in Rio de Janeiro, wrapped him in a canvas bag marked “Anaconda — Live Specimen”, flew him to northern Brazil and then put him on a yacht to Barbados. The courts in Barbados refused to extradite him to Britain on the grounds that its extradition treaty had never been properly validated by its parliament, and Biggs returned to Brazil a folk hero. It is a vainglorious and unpleasant tale, told at interminable length.
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SCOOP! THE GREATEST TABLOID HEADLINES
Channel 4, 11.05pm
Here is a list programme based on 20 tabloid headlines and the gossipy stories behind them. The shortlist includes HITLER WAS A WOMAN, MAN MARRIES LETTUCE, WORLD WAR TWO BOMBER FOUND ON THE MOON, FREDDIE STARR ATE MY HAMSTER and GOTCHA! — with the usual assortment of hacks remembering their past triumphs and rubbing their hands with glee. The awful thing is, Channel 4 makes these list programmes disgracefully watchable. Because they often feature scurrilous subjects and colourful contributors, you can sit there for hours being vaguely entertained before realising that another chunk of your life has disappeared with nothing to show for it.
MULTICHANNEL CHOICE
By James Jackson
LIVE EUROPEAN TOUR GOLF
Sky Sports 1, 6am
Live coverage from Day 1 of the Johnnie Walker Classic in Perth, Australia, where the young hotshot Adam Scott will defend his title. Highlights at 1pm.
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ANTHEA TURNER: THE PERFECT HOUSEWIFE
BBC Three, 8pm
It turns out that Anthea Turner is a domestic goddess. In her TV comeback (it was going to happen some time) we are introduced to her as a kind of Martha Stewart-cum-Bree Van De Kamp, a domestic nanny training messy homemakers to mend their ways in just three days. Its pre-feminist, 1950s tone makes you wonder if it’s all a spoof — sadly, it’s not.
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GROWING UP GOTTI
Biography Channel, 8pm
A new Osbournes-meets-Sopranos reality-TV show trailing life at home with the Gottis, the offspring of the late Mob boss John Gotti, aka the “Teflon Don” (nothing stuck to him). Victoria G is his daughter, a busty matriarch presiding over her three teenage sons in their palatial LA mansion. These spoilt, hair-gelled boys (the “hottie Gottis” as they’ve been dubbed in the US) spend most of the time mooching around the house looking bored.
In fact, the appeal seems to be in watching Victoria’s imperious Mafia-princess manner along with the family’s ostentatious display of both their wealth and their hearts of gold. Tonight, Victoria goes on a hopeless blind date with a balding middle-aged man.
HONEY WE’RE KILLING THE KIDS
BBC Three, 9pm
A second series of the show that reveals to parents what their children could look like in middle age if they continue their current diets. So in tonight’s opening episode, the Barstow Lewises meet their offspring as fat, 40-year-old failures. Disturbing enough for them, but how about for the poor kids?
THE GRAMMY AWARDS
ITV2, 9pm
Does anyone in the UK really care who wins a Grammy? Probably not. But amid all the whooping for Kanye/Mariah/Gwen etc, there are several bizarre musical pairings to check out from last night’s ceremony, including U2 and Mary J. Blige, and Christina Aguilera and Herbie Hancock.
INSPECTOR MORSE
ITV3, 10pm
An early episode in which Morse investigates the death of a young secretary: the unhappiness of the suspects confirms his belief that the bachelor life is not so bad.
THE REAL HUSTLE
BBC Three, 10.30pm
New eight-part series in which a team of “scam artists” — two dodgy geezers and a sexy blonde — carry out notorious cons on unsuspecting members of the public, so viewers can learn how not to be taken in themselves. Heard of the “monte”, the “keylogger” or the “mustard dip”? If not, you may be cruising for a duping.