When your relationship is stuck in the permafrost of “not really talking” for 364 days a year, it is hard to pull off one night of candlelit dinners and gazing longingly into each other’s eyes. Yet Valentine’s Day offers the same opportunity for truce as the First World War Christmas football match on the Western Front. Unfortunately, many couples are too frightened of ruining their relationship to leave the safety of their individual trenches.
As a marital therapist, I have spent 20 years helping couples to understand the obstacles to effective communication and all the most common issues are thrown into stark relief by St Valentine’s Day. The first is the fear that whatever someone does, it will never be enough. “Of course, I could have bought her flowers and chocolates, but where would it end?” says Martin, 42, a local government worker. “There’s always someone in my wife’s office who has been taken to Paris or even Las Vegas.” In the end, he decided to do nothing, certain that whatever he did would not be appreciated.
In counselling, we dug a bit deeper and Martin revealed his fears that his wife wanted to turn him into somebody else. His best line of defence, for what he perceived as her too high expectations and his fears of never reaching them, was sticking to the status quo.
Other couples with long-term problems go through the Valentine traditions with gritted teeth. “We were sitting in this restaurant and the atmosphere was a bit tense,” says Rachel, 35, a building society investment adviser. “So I decided to let him know that I appreciated the effort he’d made to get away from work early. So I said something neutral like ‘We must do this more often’ and the floodgates opened. Our money problems; the amount of time I spent on the internet; the children. I should have kept my mouth shut.” Like a lot of couples, Rachel and her partner were swallowing their feelings to keep the surface relatively calm. They had reached the point where saying anything risked a deluge of anger.
For couples engaged in a power struggle, offering even a small token of appreciation can feel like a climbdown. Melanie and Justin, a couple in their late twenties whom I counselled in the run-up to a previous Valentine’s Day, agreed that it was pointless booking a table for two. However, they wanted to make some romantic gesture. Melanie asked for a cup of tea in bed, but Justin was “too rushed” to fill the kettle or to switch it on. He wanted to share a bath in the evening, but she preferred a shower. The problem was that each request had been attached, in the other’s mind, to some long-running dispute. “Justin is always trying to paw at me when I’m tired,” Melanie said, “and I’m not there to provide sex on demand.” While for Justin the cup of tea was attached to a dispute about where they lived. “She knows I wanted to be closer to work, but she fell in love with the house. Melanie might be able to have a lie-in, but I can’t,” he said. With the related issues out in the open, they could negotiate rather than hold an imaginary line.
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Even when one half tries to thaw relations with a Valentine’s gesture, it does not always have the desired effect. “I was pleased that he bought me flowers, but I didn’t know how to react,” says Jacqueline, 28, and mother of two. “If I was too pleased, I was worried that he might think everything was OK, but we have real problems that can’t be solved by a couple of easy gestures.” Her partner Jon says: “I was only trying to show that I cared.” To break the deadlock, I began to probe their attitudes to love. Jon saw his flowers as proof enough and felt rejected; Jacqueline needed him to share his feelings.
With every frozen relationship, someone needs to risk making the first move and the other person has to welcome it. But how do you stop a conciliatory gesture turning into another round of fighting or silence? The answer is to look in three time frames: the day itself, the next few days and the long term. On February 14 enjoy the hope generated by doing something nice together. If your partner worries about what comes next, simply acknowledge the fears and agree a time to discuss them. Over the next few days, discuss when the relationship went off track. Admit to one contribution that each of you have made to the stalemate. In the longer term, start tackling the old issues. Be prepared to argue and to hear your partner out. Only when all the complaints have been fully aired can you improve your relationship.
For things to get better, they often have to get worse first. However, the memory of a good Valentine’s Day together can provide the balm to soothe the worst part of a communications’ thaw.
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Andrew G.Marshall is a psychologist specialising in counselling for couples
Surprise your partner with...
The unexpected
Anything that shows that you have put some thought into it.
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The opposite
Old habits have got you to this point; anything is better than more of the same. For example, if you have previously given gifts, try something practical such as picking up your partner from their work.
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The compliment
We are very good at communicating what we do not like, but tend to keep the positives to ourselves. Tell your partner what you really appreciate about her or him.
The different
Research has shown the five big ways of demonstrating love: verbally, by touch, caring gestures, presents and spending quality time together. Take the category where you are the weakest and experiment. It could be the way of demonstrating love that your partner rates highest.
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The past
Give a present that brings back memories about the day that you met or the early days of your relationship. This will help you to remember the good times and to build on them.