Going viral
Have you been cutting some moves, as we modern people say, beneath the sparkly Seventies-style disco ball at your Christmas party? How quaint. What the cutting-edge festive knees-up needs is a sparkly Seventies-style disco cement lorry. French artist Benedetto Bufalino has covered the vehicle’s rotating mixer with mirrored tiles to create a giant disco ball. In previous installations, he has turned a phone box into an aquarium and a car into a hot tub. To see his latest work, part of the Lyons Festival of Lights, visit tinyurl.com/DiscoCement.
Fighting talk: Camille Paglia V Madonna
As the popular phrase would have it, here is Madonna as you’ve never seen her before: descending into a sad and bitter middle age. That accusation comes from Camille Paglia, who was hitting back after being criticised by the singer during a recent music awards acceptance speech. Madonna had objected to the feminist author and academic’s view that she had “set women back by objectifying myself sexually”.
Taking her revenge, Ms Paglia, a great supporter of the singer during the 1990s, responded: “It is truly tragic to see Madonna descend into embarrassing displays of maudlin self-pity and irrational accusations against others. She is turning into a horrifying combination of delusional, vampiric Norma Desmond and bitter Joan Crawford on the bottle.”
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Animal antics
An inventor in Finland has devised a new method of keeping dogs safe from wolf attacks – little protective vests. Jussi Aro is testing the jackets, which are lined with chilli cartridges, in Nurmes, a town in the east of the country. There have been 32 attacks on dogs in the surrounding area this year alone. If a wolf bites into the vest, the cartridges spray the attacker’s face and mouth with chilli. “It is my own one-man war,” says Mr Aro. The new jackets are rather less formidable than the inventor’s previous idea – a coat that gave attacking wolves a 1000-volt electric shock.
Red tops
Tips for tackling heir pollution
You are no doubt familiar with Meghan Markle as actress, girl about town and official companion to Prince Harry (although for goodness’ sake don’t let him catch you reading this). Now the Daily Mail has revealed her advice on how to be an eco-warrior.
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She has written a series of handy tips on her blog, the paper reports. “Lower gas emissions by planning and avoiding multiple trips to the stores,” she advises. “Huddle and save. Streamline your meals and make as few trips as possible. You’re saving money, time and the planet.”
As the Mail rather unkindly points out: “Markle and Harry have been frequently criss-crossing the Atlantic to see each other since they started their relationship a few months ago.” Is that what they mean by carbon dating?
Time to move that ass, Cardiff
“More than 1,000 people have demanded a church nativity stops using real donkeys, claiming it is cruel”, The Sun reported. Protesters say the Tabernacle Welsh Baptist Church in Cardiff city centre is not the donkeys’ natural environment.
The headline? “Away with the manger.”
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Leave it aht . . . and I’ll give it a Bob Squash
Do your domestic appliances sound like famous TV personalities? Could your dishwasher, for example, do the voiceovers on Come Dine With Me? Because, according to The Sun: “Mum Lesley Hazeldine reckons her Hotpoint washer sounds just like EastEnder Danny Dyer.”
When the water is sloshing around the drum, council worker Lesley, 48, says it reminds her of Danny — who plays Mick Carter in EastEnders — saying: “Come on then”.
“I love all the old gangster films that Danny’s been in and now I’ve named my washer after him,” she says. “I call it Danny Dryer.” Listen for yourself at tinyurl.com/DannyDryer.
Next week: Electric kettle named as new presenter of the Today programme.
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Quotes of the week
“If you thought 2016 was bad, I’m releasing an album in 2017”
The singer James Blunt has some terrible news
“How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels”
Laura McDon, winner of a competition to find the best cracker joke
“Oust me — good. Assassinate me — better”
Rodrigo Duterte, president of the Philippines, challenges opponents of his war on drug dealers
“I need to pick up a pregnancy test. I’m 936 weeks late”
The entertainer Bette Midler, 71, on hearing that Sir Mick Jagger has become a father again at 73
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“We will stop looking to topple regimes and overthrow governments, folks”
Our goal is stability, says the president-elect, Donald Trump