According to the strapline on Simon Jordan’s column in the Crystal Palace match programme, “The future’s bright, the chairman’s orange”. A leading contender for the most permatanned man in football, Jordan suffers fools not at all. In between Spanish holidays, he argues with his managers, sues the ones he doesn’t sack and watches frustrated as Palace bobble gently between the Premiership and the Championship, all the while looking like a young, thrusting satsuma.
2 Ron Atkinson
His dubious record on race relations notwithstanding, Big Ron Atkinson — who had a sunbed in his office at Manchester United — has spent much of his life attempting to change his skin colour, from the pasty white of a natural-born Brummie to the vivid hue of a Dutch World Cup shirt, all the while looking like a pumpkin.
3 Roz Savage
“My hands are a mess,” the banker admitted on arrival in Antigua, after completing her 103-day solo transatlantic row. “I’ve got calluses, cuts that have gone septic, and the skin is falling off. Mind you, I’m really skinny and really brown.” Swings and roundabouts then, as she rowed on and on, all the while looking like a distended kumquat.
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4 Gavin Henson
Henson, who likes nothing more than being called Mr Charlotte Church, is not an orange by heritage. Oh no. Instead, the big rugby girl admits to using fake tan. His silver boots, spiky hair and a cheery admission that he shaves his legs can only confirm his image as a publicity-shy soul who has, by some tragic act of cosmetic surgery, been forced to play rugby, all the while looking like an over-ripe chocolate orange.
5 Ray Winstone
The England supporters’ spokesman at the World Cup positively glowed during the gangster flick Sexy Beast. Winstone proclaims his love for West Ham as he tops up his tan by a Spanish pool, looking something akin to an orange Smart car.
6 Beach volleyball
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Some killjoys say it’s not a sport, but the ladies’ dedication to their chosen pastime means hours and hours of training. Hence their tans, ruined only by gossamer-thin bikini lines. It’s a spectacle best enjoyed as they fly through the air yelping, all the while looking like bottles of orange make-up remover.
7 Tour de France riders
When not guzzling drugs by the armful, cyclists enjoy the benefits of the outdoor sunny life. Hence, Laurent Jalabert, who, like all his fellow cyclists, has a white torso gently set off by bare, tanned legs and arms. The obvious solution is naked cycling. How the French would enjoy the peloton screaming through their villes, looking like a trail of orange Smarties.
8 Holland’s football fans
“The future’s bright, the future’s orange,” remarked Barry Davies as the Dutch arrived at Euro 96. The fans certainly thought so, too, and decided to paint themselves orange and tour Europe, noisily drinking beer. They’ve been doing it ever since, all the while looking like a horde of genetically modified tulips.
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9 Denver Broncos cheerleaders
Tan fastic! Naturally the Denver Broncos cheerleaders are permanently tanned. They are sponsored by the Palms Tanning resort, which “is like no other tanning salon you have ever experienced”. Quite. Apparently, “your eyes will gaze upon a tropical paradise filled with sparkling waterfalls”, all the while looking like a can of Tango.
10 Body-builders
Technically less a sport, more a freak show for the benefit of those who like their men to be men and their women to be like men too. If the hideously bulging veins weren’t enough, an unwritten law of body-building demands the use of “sunless tanning products”. A world shudders, but the body-building community carries on regardless, all the while looking like a gaggle of basting chickens.