2 Glenn Hoddle He’s been there, he’s done that, but in this or any other life, he will not be returning as England manager. As our born-again hero once so sagely noted, “With hindsight, it’s easy to look at it with hindsight”. With surprising hindsight, the erstwhile midfield maestro, now managing at Wolves, is claiming he was stitched up like a reincarnated kipper when he was forced to leave the job in 1999.
After all, he, too, had managed to put his foot in it speaking out of turn with a newspaper reporter. Perhaps he was jealous that it did not take an all-expenses- paid trip to Dubai, a luxury boat and copious amounts of champagne to do so. Last week, in seeking to defend Sven, he drew parallels with his own demise, confusingly claiming: “I didn’t say them things I said. I’ve been quoted stuff, which, quite blatantly, I didn ’t say.” Sadly, even scholars who have dedicated their lives to the study of the English language and its myriad intricacies simply haven’t the faintest idea what he’s on about.
3 Bono Single-handedly responsible for alleviating world hunger, so addressing the problems of the England football team should be a stroll in the park for the U2 singer. On the plus side, he has played more football stadiums than most of the England team, and he counts God among his friends. Yet doubts remain: he cares little for football — Ireland’s World Cup success has been the only bandwagon he has ever refused to board — and if his lyrics are any guide (and, sweet mother of Mary, they are) his team talks might be incomprehensible nonsense.
4 Faria Alam Perfect. “Ferrari” Alam already knows the layout of Soho Square, she undeniably revels in the company of FA employees, and the former secretary could type up the team sheet herself. The jet-setting lifestyle so enjoyed by her Swedish predecessor would not faze her (“I do a lot of international PR and partying around the world. Fantastic!”) She’d come cheap, too, having sold the tale of her affair with Eriksson for a mere £500,000. And she’d certainly enjoy getting to know her new charges.
5 David Beckham In one sense, the more the England captain successfully demands to be deployed by Eriksson in the centre of midfield, the more he becomes the de facto manager. In another, England are not meant to have bosses who have the voice of Joe Pasquale, an Asbo coiffure, a penchant for wearing women’s underwear (not to mention sarongs), an array of tattoos (a novel way to present the teamsheet) and, in a development unforeseen even in the decadent days of Eriksson and Tord Grip (let alone Sir Alf Ramsey and his coach Harold Shepherdson), a track record of sleeping with their assistants. Still, at least the missus would be happy: they wouldn’t be having to live in Madrid any more and she could carry on the tradition set by Nancy Dell’Olio of gracing the directors’ boxes of Premiership grounds on the arm of her husband sporting outlandish creations .
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6 Sir Clive Woodward As Walter Winterbottom, Graham Taylor and Eriksson have proved, not being a great footballer need not be an impediment to securing the England manager’s job. Despite allegedly nearly being offered a trial at Everton, Sir Clive, however, seemed not to have heard of football until recently. Then, Southampton, desperate for another layer of costly management above (or below, nobody seemed to know) Harry Redknapp, stuck a pin in chairman Rupert Lowe’s contact book and a rugby union coach became the club’s “technical director”. The result? The footballing equivalent of a dustman attempting heart surgery and Southampton’s worst season since 1977-78.
7 Osama Bin Laden Osama’s appointment would certainly mean a break with the past, and not solely because Mr Tricky To Get Hold Of would become the first Saudi Arabian to manage the England team. Naturally, there would be a reduction in both press conferences (other than by video link) and sex scandals. Moreover, under the new gaffer’s disciplinarian regime, the players would have to change their ways. It seems safe to assume there would be no more parties for Joe Cole or auld slappers for Wayne Rooney. There would, however, be a beard for Paul Robinson and a Kalashnikov for Peter Crouch, while John Terry would be bound by sharia law. And one of the world’s most infamous Arsenal fans would say in his maiden communiqué, “No friendlies with the United States. Promise!” All things considered, it’s hard to see any downsides.
8 Kate Moss Patently she needs something a little more low-profile right now, so the England job would suit her. Not the most obvious candidate, like Jürgen Klinsmann, she might have to do her stuff from the United States, but she represents tradition, for, like Eriksson, she enjoys the company of the opposite sex and the good life. She is evidently a motivator of young men, and she’s done her research — latest squeeze Jamie Burke is as old as Wayne Rooney. And, of course, if her pets were a tad tired, she might just have the very stuff to perk them up, right there in her handbag.
9 Tony Blair Last week Glenn Hoddle claimed that being the England manager “is a harder job than being the prime minister”. This must be soothing balm to Blair as he wrestles with Iraq (“It’s going really well, honest”); education (“Ruth Kelly wants Opus Dei to run schools”); and threats to kidnap his children (“But why? This father makes justice”). As the England manager swept in on a wave of public goodwill, he would begin with reforming zeal, promising the world, or at least the World Cup. When England were defenestrated after a debacle against Trinidad & Tobago and Beckham was declared bankrupt, he would invade the Stade de France.
10 Mazher Mahmood The undercover tabloid hack might be reluctant to do photocalls, but he would never be fooled by a fake sheikh. His England team would, however, be well prepared. Before games, they would hide their tape-recorders under their dishdashas and infiltrate the opposition’s training complex with a mixture of bribes, threats and pretending to be card-carrying News of the World reporters. Then the opposition would be offered their choice from: a) a cachet of illegal guns; b) the managership of Aston Villa, c) a kilo of red mercury; d) some knock-off “gorilla”-skin coats. With their opponents distracted by baubles and poorly because of their exposure to the red mercury, England would win the World Cup.