The noughties guide to modern etiquette

NEWLY RUDE Making psychological assessments of other people’s children, using terms such as “anxious” and “controlling”. Sending the nanny with the kids to a friend’s children’s party.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Giving cash at children’s parties (horrible, but true).

Bodies and clothes

Not so long ago, it would have been the height of bad manners to tell a person they were looking too thin. Now, there is no higher compliment (though “God, you’ve lost weight” isn’t the same). Similarly, it used to be an insult if someone suspected you of having had “work”, but now that you might well be starting cosmetic procedures in your early thirties, and the standards are so high, it is perfectly permissible. As for clothes — it is next to impossible to dress rudely in the current climate: we are inured to flesh exposure, visible underwear and surprising piercings. However, total nudity is still too much for most of us, poolside or on deck. If you want to strip, first ask if everyone else is comfortable with it.

NEWLY RUDE Comparing breast jobs (“Obviously you haven’t had anything done, but what about these?”).

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Nose-job plasters in public. Post-gym wet hair. Asking for someone’s Botox doctor’s number. Telling friends it is time to get their grey dyed.

Other people’s houses

We’ve all done it. Got through the front door and, straight off, asked how much it cost. Don’t. It is still no better than asking someone’s salary. Even if you are selling in roughly the same area, it doesn’t make it acceptable. And resist the temptation to tell people what you would do with their property. “You’ll need to knock that wall through before you do anything” is all very helpful, but not if the owner is happy with it as it is. It is also worth remembering that an Englishwoman’s home is (second only to her weight and general appearance) a subject very close to her heart.

NEWLY RUDE Hassling your hostess for details of her curtain fabric/curtain-maker, where she bought the rug, the lino, the splashbacks, and the number of the man who did the work.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Asking to borrow furniture when it no longer fits with a person’s lifestyle.

Pregnancy

This is a highly charged area in 2006. As ever, it is always rude to comment on the size of a pregnant woman (“You must be about to pop any day!”), and ruder still to ask probing questions (“So, are you still with the father?”). But now, there is more to think about: it is not safe to assume the pregnant woman is with a man; is happy about the situation; is under 50; has been inseminated with her partner’s sperm; or is carrying the baby for herself. Not so long ago, it was understood that stories of episiotomies were strictly for the womenfolk behind closed doors, but now you might well be given the full-colour forceps-delivery story over the rosé and bruschetta. Note: there isn’t a man alive who wants to know, including the father of the baby.

NEWLY RUDE The uncovered bump may be okay if it belongs to Natalia Vodianova, but most of us can do without it.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Breast-feeding in any context. Talking openly about elective caesarean dates and your IVF history.

Divorce

Like depression, divorce is extremely time-consuming and lowering for the friends of the splitting couple. The rule is simple — the abandoned party gets the lion’s share of the attention, and the leaver has to settle for whatever is left over. It is bad manners to push a new relationship on your friends and very bad manners to bad-mouth the aggrieved party. While everyone is saddened by divorce, that doesn’t mean they want to hear, from either of you, exactly why it went wrong, especially if they’ve only just met you.

NEWLY RUDE Complaining about your married sex life/banging on about your new post-marriage sex life.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE The social juggle. It is proper for both parties to talk via their host about staggering their attendance times, and far preferable to one being invited and not the other.

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Phoning

Being too busy to talk is a modern habit that is really just bad manners. If you are really too busy, don’t answer the phone. Being unavailable is equally rude, and a growing trend (“She’ll try to call you in the cab between meetings or, failing that, at 4.35”), as is being available all the time. People who are permanently attached to their mobiles — with the exception of surgeons — are carried away with their own importance or wishing they were somewhere else, which, either way, is rude.

NEWLY RUDE Taking social calls when in the company of one other person, and not mentioning the need to keep it brief. Being on the phone while buying something, waving goodbye or ordering food.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Not saying hello or announcing who you are — it says on the screen.

Texting

WIs terrific, but not in the following circumstances: dumping, sacking, letting your friend know you can’t make it for dinner one hour before you’re due. As a general rule, all bad news must be delivered face to face, and texting should be reserved for love-bombing, making plans and information (“Stuck in traffic, order me a martini”). You can text an RSVP, but a “thank you” only in certain circumstances (yes for drinks, no for the weekend). Texting in the company of others is definitely rude, unless it is essential and you have apologised in advance. For some reason, it is even more offensive than taking a phone call, probably because you could be saying anything, including, “Stuck with total bore at bad party.”

NEWLY RUDE Texting in cinemas during the film.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Texting to say, “Can you talk?” or, “Too tired to speak, will call tomorrow.”

E-mailing

See texting, above.

NEWLY RUDE Giving your friends viruses.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Using supposed e-mail glitches as an excuse for not attending the party or meeting the deadline.

Food

In other people’s houses you must eat their food. If you have wheat-, gluten- or dairy-intolerance, and they have forgotten (or, quite understandably, pretended to), then you should eat what you can and not make a song and dance about it. Never say no to sauce or pudding, or, “Not much for me”, as if eating any of their filthy cooking is a trial. If you don’t want it, better to leave it; issuing instructions up front sounds like ordering off menu and will make your hostess want to kill you. Likewise, don’t help yourself to drink unless you know your hosts extremely well. Everyone has a wine hierarchy, and you may not be as deserving as you think. Feeding children is, of course, a minefield. If yours are strictly organic and you find them being fuelled up with crisp butties and Coca-Cola by your sister-in-law, you must let it go. Later on, you can announce that they have a life-threatening additives intolerance (“what a bore”) and hope that does the trick.

NEWLY RUDE Preparing food separately for yourself. Special-needs eating in general, including: “I am pregnant, so I’ll have to eat by 7.30.”

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Men being on diets.

Psychotherapy

Five years ago, it was still not quite done to advertise that you were seeing someone. Now, it is a mark of the sophisticated, self-aware person, and those of us who aren’t in therapy are starting to look a bit closed off and reactionary. It is now the height of bad manners to be amused by Tourette’s syndrome or dismissive of depression or to describe anyone as schizo, unless they actually are.

NEWLY RUDE Dismissing alcoholics as drunks.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Discussing your postnatal depression. Admitting to taking Viagra. Using therapy as an ultimatum (“I’ll leave you unless you talk to someone about your thing with sou’westers”).

Swearing

The thing about swearing is, it’s all down to timing, tone and, of course, context. Once in a while, swearing can be quite stylish, but used as punctuation, it is shorthand for: “I am ignorant” (see Lisa from Big Brother). The rule is, you should never swear in front of children — because they will repeat it at some point, and that’s always depressing to witness — or your in-laws or strangers. One person’s “bloody” is another person’s c-word.

NEWLY RUDE Nothing. All swearing is less rude than it was last year. “Bollocks”, for example, appears to have virtually lost its rude quota and become almost quaint, like “damnation”.

NEWLY ACCEPTABLE Any swearing during critical England games. Pete on Big Brother has done a lot to make “wanker” a household word.