Contemporary platitude has it that cocooning was a concept invented by trend guru Faith Popcorn in 1991 and was the reason why many of us spent the decade lounging about at home not doing very much. Pah, I say, pah. This is on a pah with that other great contemporary platitude, namely that teenagers were invented in the Fifties, when anyone with any ounce of awareness knows that it was 1920, 1589 or, in fact, 1212. My own capacity for domestic lounging knows no bounds, historical or otherwise. Indeed, it is one of the reasons why I am not quite convinced about this child-rearing business. They will insist on doing things, nippers, and, unless I were to produce a particularly depressive specimen, I might actually be forced to leave my flat.
For those of us for whom the home is not so much a castle as a permanently barred fort, Gemma Ireland’s Bodyflow organisation is right up our street. Bodyflow brings chair massage to work, corporate events, parties and weddings (preferable to the traditional punch-up). More importantly for “cooners/agoraphobes” it brings massage, reflexology, yoga, nutritional and fertility advice to your own home. For if there is one thing better than sinking like a dead weight into a massage table, it is sinking like a dead weight into one’s own bed, with none of the jiggery-pokery of parking, dressing or drooling in a public place.Gemma is the brains behind the operation, marshalling a crack team of 20 practitioners; but she is also the hands, being a reflexologist of such mesmerising powers that, 400 years or so ago, she would have been burnt as a witch. Now, I adore reflexology. I’ve had reflexology of the foot, hand and ear. I’ve had reflexology where I’ve felt energised, and reflexology where I’ve been felled like a tree. Hell, I’ve even had reflexology where the therapist’s conclusion was that the spirit of my mother was with us in the room. But, never before have I felt the affinity between the area of the foot being kneaded and the body part to which it relates.
A blissful trippiness gave way to great plunges into relaxation, punctuated by involuntary shudders from my ribcage. Somewhat disconcertingly, Gemma can also read minds, effortlessly taking control of the fact that when my body switches off, my brain spirals into mania. Moreover, her sessions are perfectly choreographed to appear hypnotically drawn out, leaving one without that craven, resentful feeling at the treatment’s close. That night, I slept the sleep of the righteous for a good week and a half.
Gemma is also a doula, a type of professional birthing partner (more of which in a couple of months), and has officiated at 50 or so births. Four-fifths of her reflexology work involves those who are up the duff or seeking to be so, not least, priming babies into action. But she also addresses a range of other issues: asthma, arthritis, fatigue, back complaints, digestive problems, insomnia, migraine, menstrual pain and, yes, burgeoning mental illness (depression, panic attacks, etc). With a little more going with the flow, I may even be able to leave the house.
Bodyflow, from £65 per hour, £80 for Gemma Ireland (020-7736 0017;www.bodyflow.co.uk)