Meghan Markle (above)
Put it this way: Prince Harry had about 3.52 billion women to choose from and he picked out Markle, 35. Or maybe she picked him. Either way, you get the picture.
Justin Trudeau
The Canadian PM, 44, did some excellent work in the field of being absurdly attractive. Among his greatest lust-inspiring hits of 2016 was the time he photobombed a stranger’s beach wedding snaps, stripped to the waist and holding a surfboard.
Lord Sumption
Breakout star of the Brexit Supreme Court hearing: an unlikely, but undeniable, stirrer of lust. It’s the heady combination of his fluffy hair, the definitive sternness with which he crosses his arms and his extraordinary tie choices. Plus: what are we supposed to do, but find a man to obsess over, when proceedings get a little heavy?
Tom Hiddleston
2016 has been a big – odd – year for this actor. He kicked proceedings off by looking like a contender for the title of Everyone’s New Fave Posh Thesp, with his performance in the BBC’s The Night Manager, and him looking a lot like he might be the next Bond. He stirred things up monumentally by getting his immaculate bottom out on primetime telly, then threw a curve ball into proceedings by most unexpectedly beginning a relationship with American pop star Taylor Swift in June.
The legitimacy of the union – which earned the ’ship (or “relationship”) portmanteau “Hiddleswift” – was widely deemed spurious, on account of the fast pace at which it unfurled, that time Tom Hiddleston frolicked in the surf with Swift while wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the legend “I Heart TS”, and him describing his involvement with Swift as “a rollercoaster ride of action and spectacle and lots of laughs”. The only question is, then: ultimately, will we remember Tom Hiddleston’s 2016 on account of his fling with Swift, or on account of his bottom? And the answer is: his bottom, obviously! Which is why we salute him here.
Mark Carney
Though the governor of the Bank of England seems somewhat beaten down by the progression – or lack of – towards Brexit, he still looks like he’s playing himself in the Hollywood version of his own life.
Ed Balls
No one saw this one coming. No one. Which is what makes it all the more compelling. When the former shadow chancellor of the exchequer first revealed he’d be throwing his hat/feet into the ring on this year’s Strictly Come Dancing, we assumed it was some kind of joke. When first he danced, in early September, we assumed it was some kind of torture, an impression compounded by Balls himself describing it as “traumatic”. But as the weeks went by, and Balls devoted himself utterly to the effort, so our feelings changed. It was an unexpected and joyous rebirth, which made us look at him in a very different light. (NB, it’s worth noting that if you google the words “Ed Balls first”, the top prompt is “dance”, before “budget”.)
Katya Adler
So often in life, you only notice how fanciable someone is after years of them hiding in plain sight. Or, in Adler’s case, on the BBC’s foreign news coverage. Perhaps it’s because, as Europe editor, she represents a calm, authoritative voice in an age of increasing uncertainty and fear – a bit like a teacher who’s giving you increasingly intense, one-on-one catch-up classes in the run-up to some terrifying exam. Plus, if you start typing “Katya Adler” into YouTube, you are then automatically offered the option of “Katya Adler legs”. When search-engine algorithms know you’re hot, you’re hot.
The Hadid sisters
Social-media sensations, daughters of US reality TV star Yolanda Hadid, a pair who – during the course of 2016 – went from being two young women you’d never heard of and were therefore confused as to why they suddenly seemed to be everywhere all the time, to being Vogue’s absolute favourite new models and, OMG, did you see when they walked for Victoria’s Secret and what, by the way, is the current status of Gigi’s relationship with ex-One Direction member Zayn Malik, and Bella’s with singer The Weeknd?
Matt Smith
Whose louche, swaggering, vulnerable portrayal of the Duke of Edinburgh in Netflix’s The Crown has left us with incredibly confused feelings about the actual Prince Philip.
Franco Noriega
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Not much to say really. The Peruvian chef cooks in his pants and for good reason. Well, for a completely contrived reason, I suppose. You could play rounders with the bulge in his boxers. Apparently he makes a mean chia seed pudding. So that’s a bonus.
@hotdudesandhummus An Instagram feed that does exactly as it promises in its @: delivers a rolling feed of images of attractive men, eating hummus. The sort of thing you didn’t realise was missing from your life, until now.
Huma Abedin
I was as disgusted and disappointed as anyone when I heard the news that the disgraced American politician Anthony Weiner was back to his mucky old tricks of sending women unsolicited photos of his undercarriage. But I was also secretly delighted. Because it meant that his beautiful, ambitious, incredibly intelligent and generally too-goddamn-good-for-him wife would almost certainly give him the boot. And she did! Boom! An adviser to Hillary Clinton and key player in her election campaign, it’s been a rough year for Abedin. I just hope she doesn’t crack and go back to her ex. Anything but that.
The Hot Santas of Yorkdale mall in Toronto
For the past two years, shopping mall bosses hired a bearded fiftysomething model called Paul Mason to perform the role of what it called “Fashion Santa”. Mason starred in festive photographic campaigns and paraded round the mall dressed in a variety of sharp outfits, posing for selfies with fans (Justin Bieber among them). This year, however, he’s been replaced by a younger model, a thirtysomething called Adam Martin, provoking an online campaign to reappoint the #realfashionsanta. A Yorkdale rep revealed that they’d wanted to work with Mason again, but he’d ignored their calls.
Orlando Bloom
For the revelation re his paddleboard technique (see above, naked apart from a cap with girlfriend Katy Perry).
Deshun Wang
The 80-year-old Chinese actor who set the internet on fire when he took to the runway during China Fashion Week in August. Kindly refrain from calling him “the Hot Grandpa”; apparently, he finds it reductive.
The Brownlee brothers
One of whom, Olympic champion Alistair, helped the other, Olympic silver medallist Jonny, over the finishing line of the Triathlon World Series in Mexico, thereby inspiring a nation of overemotional sports fans to weep every time they rewatched it online.
Brigitte Trogneux
She’s the wife of French politician and presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron. They met at Catholic school when he was 16 and she was – whoops! – a drama teacher. She is blonde, gorgeous and almost 20 years his senior. She’s called “Brigitte” and her family run a successful macaroon factory. Come on. This is the hottest and most French thing I have ever heard. Either get with it or have a word with yourself.
Andy Murray
Gracious in being better than everyone else in the world.
Mel, Sue, Mary Berry
Persisted in being magnificent (funny, strict, rude, piercingly blue-eyed, etc) in the BBC’s last series of The Great British Bake Off; compounded our belief in their intrinsic integrity by refusing to join the exodus to Channel 4. We should also like to take a moment to honour the work of 2016 GBBO contestants Candice “Lipstick” Brown, and Selassie, the Poldark of Bake Off …
Selassie Gbormittah
The Bake Off contestant was one of those men who might as well have been conceived by a focus group with the sole goal of making you look totally useless in comparison. He was handsome. He was confident. He worked in the City, did lots of stuff for charity and could bake pretty well. He had a kind smile and those big, dough-kneading biceps that hinted – just hinted – at a proactive yet attentive bedroom manner. Paul Hollywood could smell his own and, in what was my personal highlight of the entire series, the two men shared a brief look of mutual respect and understanding. They were, their eyes said, both total and utter players. And I suppose they’re right.
Tchéky Karyo
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Sure, series two of The Missing was a complex, terrifying, compelling thriller that united the country in speculating obsessively over what the hell was going on. But it was also a platform for the allure of lead detective Julien Baptiste. Initially, we all congratulated ourselves on what we believed to be the obscure nature of our evolving crush on JB, but then we quickly realised everyone else was digging him too … And then a load of pictures of the 63-year-old emerged, revealing that what we’re dealing with here is, in fact, just a fairly obviously sexy-looking Turkish-born French actor, who also happens to be a musician, because of course he is.
All the ex-special forces guys on SAS: Who Dares Wins
Did you watch Who Dares Wins? It was great, mainly on account of the trainers, who mostly hung around in a shed wearing tight black roll-necks, looking like some kind of incredibly dangerous, sexually proficient free jazz ensemble.
Birkir Bjarnason
The Icelandic national team made headlines this summer by knocking England out of Euro 2016. But it wasn’t the shock result that generated so much interest as the Iceland players themselves who, collectively, struck you as a lot of sweaty, passionate, unpronounceable fun. The pick of the bunch was Bjarnason, the midfielder with the blue eyes and flowing flaxen hair of a Norse hero. If you have a thing for men who look like they could slay several ogres but who also post pictures of themselves cuddling their mums on Instagram, Birkir’s your boy.
Arshad Khan
One minute you’re an 18-year-old street vendor from Islamabad, just minding your own business, making some tea, looking devastatingly handsome, just like any normal day. Then the next thing you know someone’s taken a smartphone pic of you, stuck it on Instagram with the tagline “Hot tea ;-)” and suddenly several million women around the world want you with a ribbon on. Which is fair enough. I mean, look at him. I’m embarrassed for every other 18-year-old lad on the planet. Imagine the testosterone required for a moustache like that. I’m almost 35 and barely shave. He’s doing modelling now. Duh.
Sarah Seawright, aka “Prison Bae”
Everyone loves hot mug shots because if you still look fit after being chased by cops and thrown in a cell while facing the prospect of serious jail time, then you are definitely fit. It’s all about authenticity. I mean, it’s not like you’ve had the chance to muck about with filters or flattering camera angles or anything. So there is now a steady stream of fit felons going viral, and this year it was the Arkansas native’s turn to capture the hearts of men who can see past superficial flaws – like a rap sheet that includes charges of aggravated robbery, kidnapping and first degree battery – and instead see the smouldering criminal who will almost certainly transform their humdrum lives into a complicated, dangerous, sexy nightmare.
Cindy off the TfL ads
Who is Cindy? What’s she doing on a big Transport for London billboard? Is she single? I know for a fact that male commuters spend a lot of time thinking about this whenever her image is wheeled out to remind everyone to check our routes for disruption before we travel. I’ve just noticed, but her eyes have a way of following you. Or me, at least. Hey, I think I’m in there.
Vanessa Castle
Not going to lie, I wasn’t really that interested in the protests against an oil pipeline that had been slated to run through the Standing Rock Indian Reservation in South Dakota. Only then I saw a photo of protester Vanessa Castle on her horse, Medicine Hat, and now I am. Weird.
The Nigerian women’s bobsleigh team
I don’t feel I particularly need to elaborate. They’re hoping to be at the 2018 Winter Olympics and, God willing, so will I.
Ivanka Trump
The metropolitan liberal elite would say that there’s no way you should even be entertaining a mild crush on the spawn of Donald Trump. But Ivanka? Ivanka. Oh man, Ivanka. Could you maybe turn her somehow? Woo her with politically correct tweets and Beyoncé gifs before convincing her to use her wealth, intellect and cold glamour for good? Suppose you could try. But the reality is you’d be wearing a red “Make America Great Again” baseball cap and firing a rifle into the air within two minutes of speaking to her. Oh well.
Dan Jarvis
Slim pickings in the Commons these days but Jarvis, the Barnsley Central MP and former Parachute Regiment officer, is about as close we’re going to get to a Richard Sharpe in British politics. If you have a thing for men who like gazing into the middle distance, you’ll be all over Jarvis like a rash.
Van Jones
Why wouldn’t you fancy Van? OK, I’m not mad about his rimless specs, but aside from that, the American social activist and CNN political commentator is like the anti-Donald Trump: sensitive, thoughtful, secure about his hair loss and in sensational shape.
Jürgen Klopp
Don’t want to sound like some kind of homoerotic football hipster or anything, but I was fancying Klopp ages ago, back when the shaggy-haired, twinkly-eyed German was managing Borussia Dortmund. But since taking over at Liverpool, the 49- year-old has gone fully mainstream, attracting men, women and children with his beard and his glasses and his jumping up and down. Have you seen how his players hug him? It’s like they never want to let go. Would you?
Pep Guardiola
I love his knitwear and his fitted suits and the way he stands in the Manchester City technical area with one hand on his hip as the rain and floodlights combine to make his head look like a lovely big shiny dome that’s just crying out for a big wet kiss. Not that I’ve thought about it much.
The striking junior doctors
I’m not trying to make a political point or anything, it’s just that at the start of the year not a day went by I didn’t see news footage featuring this mob, and I gradually realised I was in love with all of them. I think it’s because they all had the kind smiles and glossy, pulled-back hair of a university girlfriend who would dump you in a really considerate way after realising that she was, in fact, hot.