Darling?
Yes, darling.
So, you know how much having sat-nav on your phone has changed your driving?
Totally. I haven’t got lost in the Hanger Lane gyratory since.
So would you mind trying Blindfold?
Are you crazy? Sat-nav may be good, but I don’t want to drive blindfold.
Well, this isn’t driving. Think of my naked body as the Hanger Lane gyratory. And Blindfold as a sex-nav.
But I know how to get to your body.
I know you do, darling, but once you’re there you can get a bit lost. You know, at the . . . roundabout? And remember how stressed you get when the traffic has to merge at rush-hour. Sometimes I worry I’m going to get stranded on the hard shoulder. Blindfold is a foreplay app for your smart-phone, giving you guided tutorials. A bossy voice they’ve called Angelina will tell you exactly what to do. Angelina sounds like Siri’s filthy British cousin.
So, you’re saying I’m like Alan Partridge when he asked during sex, “Shall I do the other one now?” Or George in that episode of Seinfeld, writing “counter-clockwise swirl” on his hand?
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Darling, I love your driving. It’s that paying £12.50 to have a strict robotic voice in the bedroom tell you to “suckle her nipple with your mouth, just like a baby would” is the modern way to be intimate.
Can’t we just get a real woman called Angelina in to help me?
Of course not. That would be weird.