Of all the things fashion has come up with to make us look silly – playsuits, dungarees, boyfriend jeans, platform trainers – the most silly, by far, is the sleeveless coat. They make no sense to me. If it is cold enough to need a coat, then is it not cold enough also to need sleeves? So instead, we will think about something both sensible and useful: the perfectly plain, simple dress. Naturally, these are almost impossible to find. Fashion disdains them because it thinks they’re boring, which is precisely what makes them essential. I like Winser London’s Miracle shift dresses so much I’ve got three (pictured, £150; winserlondon.com). Why? Because they flatter me and, by extension, you, because I have the most unreasonable figure on the planet and yours, in comparison, is a doddle. Second, they come in good colours; third, they go in the washing machine. Game, set and match.
If I wanted a V-neck, I might reach for The Fold’s Ebury dress, reduced from £245 to £165 (thefoldlondon.com). If I suited A-line, which I do not, or taupe, which I also do not, then its tweed Newbury dress would be ideal (£225). Seeing as I’ve spent the summer walking round in a perfectly plain coral Zara fitted dress, I see no reason why I shouldn’t do so in the winter, too. If I were deviating slightly from my own brief and embracing embellishment, it would be Zara’s navy dress with a jewelled neckline (£25.99; zara.com/uk). If I were experimenting with a colour guaranteed to make me look ill, it would be its lime green, plain V-neck shift (£49.99).
Massimo Dutti’s camel stretch-wool funnel collar dress couldn’t be plainer (£69.95; massimodutti.com), and Reiss’s Vanette tailored V-neck is a stunning electric blue (£190; reiss.com). Michaela Jedinak’s USP is that you can shop by body type and customise length of sleeve and hem. I’m not convinced by the body-type shtick, because the styles it picked for me both had full skirts, which would be disastrous. My other reservation is that, at around £500, they are pricey for a plain dress. Still, it’s an interesting idea (michaelajedinak.com).
Lest we forget, it is not all about me. It is all about my mother. She is forever going on about the lack of dresses for women her age: too short, too sleeveless or – arguably the biggest dealbreaker of all – not navy. The Dress Label was started by two British women d’une certaine age with the aim of solving the length/sleeve problem. The pure silk Dahlia comes in black or teal, is well below mid-calf, with a V-neck which will show the merest hint of cleavage and full, sheer chiffon sleeves. It really needs a belt – a matching one is supplied – so if belts don’t suit you this isn’t the dress for you (£315; thedresslabel.com). The other option is Beulah, whose plain red Mulberry dress, mid-calf with sleeves, is classy. It’s available online mid-September but you can pre-order it now (£440; beulahlondon.com).