The veteran comedian Barry Cryer is crowdfunding a new book with his son Bob. Spying a (very niche) gap in the market, he promises “the most important and comprehensive collection of parrot jokes ever assembled” in Hercule Parrot’s Cagebook.
I hope it includes Cryer’s tale of a woman who asked the price of a gorgeous blue parrot in a pet shop. “Twenty quid,” the shopkeeper replied, to her surprise. “I have to be frank with you, it’s got a bit of history,” he added. “He lived in a brothel. To put it delicately, he’s got quite an extensive vocabulary.” Undeterred, the woman took the bird home. The parrot looked round and said: “New place, very nice.” Her daughters walked in and the parrot said: “New girls, very nice.” Then her husband walked in and the bird said: “Hello, Keith.”
DESERT ISLAND RISKS
The Christmas panto in Chipping Norton is Robinson Crusoe, starring mermaids and a “terrible Trump” monster. I hear the Bank of England governor, Mark Carney, attended on Saturday. Also in the audience was David Cameron, no doubt wincing at the tale of a man’s struggle with mutineers on a small island. His political career should have been played out on stage, to inevitable cries of: “It’s behind you!”
Britain’s seventh most popular religion, behind Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Judaism and Buddhism, is Jediism, with 177,000 Jedis registered in the 2011 census. Alas, the Charity Commission yesterday rejected the Temple of the Jedi Order’s application for charitable status, as Jediism lacks the “cogency and seriousness” of a proper faith. Very disappointed, they are, I bet.
GIFT OF THE GABOR
Zsa Zsa Gabor had a sharp wit. Asked how many husbands she’d had (it was nine) she once replied: “You mean, apart from my own?” She appeared on a TV show as a celebrity agony aunt. A lady asked: “I’m breaking my engagement to a wealthy man who has given me a sable coat, diamonds, a stove and a Rolls-Royce. What should I do?” Gabor’s reply: “Give back the stove.”
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Britain has vast “soft power” thanks to the influence of our culture around the world. Lin-Manuel Miranda, the American creator of the hit musical Hamilton, is in London for its West End transfer. As a key global tastemaker, what has most impressed him about British culture? “Rest assured,” he tweeted, “Britain does NOT MUCK ABOUT when it comes to Xmas Jumper Day.” It’s not Shakespeare, but at least it’s something.
SORRY ESTATE OF AFFAIRS
The actor James McAvoy grew up in Drumchapel, a rough Glasgow suburb, but has to pretend that he didn’t to get ahead in Hollywood. “I’m from a council estate where people get stabbed all the time,” the Scotsman told Total Film. “I made my career out of pretending to be posh English.” He advises working-class actors to “brush up on your ‘posh’,” warning: “America’s not interested in kitchen sink dramas set on council estates. America wants to see Downton F***ing Abbey.” Which sounds a wonderful title for a kitchen sink sequel.
