Admission of gravity
THE INSTITUTE OF FOOTBALL Studies has found dramatic evidence that explains Leeds United’s decline over the past two years. Sir Isaac Newton, a researcher at the institute, has shown that if no one keeps a proper grip on a club, they will fall directly to the bottom of the league. “There is a clear correlation between the rate of increasing debt caused by mismanagement and acceleration towards the Nationwide Conference,” he said.
Newton revealed the moment when he suddenly hit upon his theory. “I was sitting right next to the Leeds chairman at a match at Elland Road one day. Just after the team conceded its fifth goal, I was struck on the head by an apple thrown by an angry supporter from the upper tier.”
Until that moment the chairman, Peter Rid O’Dosh, citing the way his expensive goldfish moved around its bowl in his office as if weightless, had mocked claims that there was a situation of gravity at Elland Road. “Of course there is no downward force here,” Rid O’Dosh said last year in an interview with The Hairdryer. “Everyone says my feet are not on the ground and my head is in the clouds.”
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But the falling apple merely confirmed Newton’s long-held suspicion. “When the earth’s atmosphere contains an element of despair, it will drag a club down automatically,” he said. “Where there is a large mass of fans with high expectations, the force felt as the team crashes to defeat will be even greater.”
Having acknowledged the gravitational problem, Leeds have joined the Moon second division, although a £100 million loan from the Lunar Bank has raised questions about their financial state. “It’s nothing to worry about,” Rid O’Dosh said. “We’re convinced there is life on the Moon, so as soon as it is discovered and the inhabitants become football fans, television is introduced to the Moon and all the fans buy sports channel subscriptions and that income funds extra prize-money, we’ll repay the loan.”
Page 83: Sheffield Wednesday exposed by Galileo Page 84: Comment — the day football died
A referee was suspended last night after he forgot to award a goal. Andy D’Urso pointed to the centre spot when Barry Ferguson scored for Blackburn Rovers away to Southampton, but when the Scot netted again D’Urso gave a goal kick. His notebook — seen by The Hairdryer — said: “Impressive kick of ball between posts — can’t recall what reward is in such circumstances. Gave defending side benefit of doubt.”
C.V.: Alan Ball
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Hobbies: Reading 550-page scrapbook on our World Cup win.
Early life: I was born in the year 21 BWC (Before World Cup).
Education: Primary school: Did not attend. Spent time in bedroom planning war strategies in case I was given the honour of fighting for my country when I reached school-leaving age.
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Secondary school: Did not attend. Altered my birth certificate so I could join the Army at 11.
Achievements: I was so angered by the decline of the Empire that I decided to put England back in their rightful place — on top of the world — by inspiring our success in the 1966 World Cup, rightly acknowledged as the most significant event in the history of the universe.
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Qualifications: My World Cup winner’s medal has qualified me to talk about our triumph seven days a week for 38 years.
Present Premiership manager I would model myself on: Arsène Wenger, although he is not a patch on Sir Alf.
The last piece of football commentary I heard: “Some fans are throwing their season-tickets on to the pitch. They think Alan Ball’s managerial career is all over. It is now.”
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What he said
Rupert Lowe on controversy over Paul Sturrock’s dismissal . . .
“It never ceases to amaze me how people can express an opinion without knowing the facts.”
What he meant
“It never ceases to amaze the supporters that a chairman can sack a manager without a proper explanation and then expect them to know the facts.”
Delia’s dish of the week (or what they’re eating in Norwich)
Poisson en dehors d’eau
Norwich were fish out of water against Arsenal although most teams would also probably get a hammering from Arsène Wenger’s men at present. The Norfolk fish should be allowed to slip back into water for their next game when their more mortal opponents will be Tottenham Hotspur.