CALM DOWN, TAYLOR SAYS
NEWCASTLE UNITED MADE history last night by becoming the first Barclays Premiership club to select a squad consisting entirely of wayward players. Not one of the 16 men chosen for their next match is level-headed, a decision that has drawn fierce criticism.
“Look, it’s fine to have a Lee Bowyer in the team,” Gordon Taylor, chief executive of the PFA (Peaceful Footballers’ Association), whose job it is to protect softly-spoken people such as himself, said. “It can actually be a good influence by galvanising his team-mates into producing a greater effort, but you can’t have a Bowyer all over the pitch.
“I mean, you’ve got Laurent Robert constantly moaning about not being in the team, Alan Shearer effectively forcing Ruud Gullit and Sir Bobby Robson out of the manager’s job because they didn’t pick him, Nicky Butt getting sent off for shoving an opponent two minutes after coming on as a substitute in the Uefa Cup and Patrick Kluivert always unhappy about something.
“It’s so disappointing because, when Newcastle offloaded Craig Bellamy and Jonathan Woodgate, it seemed they would be giving a chance to more home-loving people, but they persist in picking rabble-rousers like Kieron Dyer ahead of young midfield players who are still living with their parents.”
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Taylor said Newcastle are partly to blame. “By appointing a manager for whom calmness is a foreign concept, they are only encouraging the situation.” But manager Arsène Souness hit back: “I would love to have a team full of mild men but you have to pay a fortune for them. It’s no wonder that managers look beyond them — unruly players are very cheap because their clubs are desperate to get rid of them.”
Taylor fears dire consequences. “If serene players cannot develop, it will do irreparable harm to the reputation of England in the civilised world.”
MANCHESTER UNITED MOVED last night to consolidate their position as the world’s biggest club. In a statement, the club said: “We have decided to embark on an exciting new period of our history by giving up the football side of our activities to concentrate on establishing ourselves firmly at the top of the European Money League. Playing football is a drain on finances, given the high wages of players, so we felt we could not justify such spending to our shareholders. But we believe people will still buy shirts because they will want to be associated with a club that has won so many trophies.”
RELATIVE OBSCURITY
REVEALING THE LITTLE-KNOWN THIRD BROTHER
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FREDDIE FISH (brother of Michael and Mark)
Famous for misreading the situation as a cross, he came in on an extremely windy day and scored an own goal as a result. Prompts viewers to shout “Feeesh” as he takes possession of the airwaves. Once met Nelson Mandela in his home country of South Africa and was commended by the former President in connection with the emergence of a rainbow there.
WALLY WISE (brother of Ernie and Dennis)
Often called the “straight” man in reference to the direction at which he would launch his boots into opponents’ thighs. Flourished by doing the donkey work for a more talented performer (Gianfranco Zola). If crossed at a nightclub, will say to a young team-mate: “Bring me my boxing gloves, sunshine.”
KEITH KELLY (brother of Gene and Garry)
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Refused to make a song and dance about Leeds United’s troubles and has descended with them. Enjoys performing on a waterlogged pitch, although was once booked for dangerous play when waving an umbrella around.
DELIA’S DISH
. . . WHAT THEY’RE EATING IN NORWICH
NOTHING
Having been dumped out of the FA Cup some weeks ago, the city goes into a 16-day hibernation between matches as batteries are recharged for the battle against relegation from the Barclays Premiership.