MUTINY IN THE COUNTRY
FOOTBALL ERUPTED INTO civil war last night when Norwich City staff and fans invaded the Football Association headquarters and demanded an end to the destruction of rural clubs’ chances of winning the league. The protestors, some wearing quilted yellow and green jackets, stormed into an FA meeting just as it was preparing to throw out plans to redistribute wealth among the country’s football clubs.
One supporter, Harry Hayseed, the son of Norfolk legend The Singing Postman, yelled out his message before he was removed by security staff. “It’s just the big-city clubs who get the money with their large catchment areas for fans,” he shouted.
It was the day middle-of-the-table England finally got angry. As a Football League club Norwich had long suspected they would be unable to win the Premiership but their promotion to the top flight has confirmed their fears that urban clubs enjoy privileges denied to those in the countryside.
Their anger was increased by the decision to ban transfers between August and January. “Our way of life is to go hunting in the lower leagues to buy a player whenever we need to,” a spokesman said.
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“It’s all right for the big-city clubs to support the transfer window but they have massive squads to cover for when their players get injured. We can’t afford that.”
A respectable-looking middle-aged protestor emerged from the FA building and straightened his tie. “I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing but the FA is forcing me into it,” he said. “I would never dream of breaking the law, other than when speeding on the road, evading tax or committing fraud.”
BODY-BLOW
REFEREE MARK HALSEY LAST night explained that players’ body language prompted his controversial change of mind in the Barclays Premiership match between Fulham and Arsenal. Having initially awarded a goal kick after a shot by Ashley Cole had flown 30 yards wide of the post, Halsey noticed Dennis Bergkamp and Freddie Ljungberg throwing up their arms in celebration.
“When I saw the reaction of the players, I instinctively realised I had made the wrong decision. Arsenal had clearly scored a goal,” he said.
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Halsey is passionate about his approach. “Interpreting body language is vital for referees. Using this method, for example, I was able to work out that Jürgen Klinsmann must have been fouled every time he fell over dramatically.”
NEIL WARNOCK
Infant school: Our PE teacher made such a poor decision in a five-a-side match in a games lesson that I made a written complaint to the headteacher. The PE teacher refused to change his mind even though my younger sister had seen it and was willing to provide a witness statement.
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Favourite TV programme: Eastenders, or anything else that features people arguing throughout the show.
Ambition: To be involved in a match where the referee is not obviously biased against my team.
Greatest moment: My popularity improved when somebody touched me with a bargepole.
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Least favourite manager: Alan Curbishley. It’s impossible to have a row with him because he is too nice.
WHATHESAID
Mark Hughes, talking after having been linked with the vacant manager’s job at Blackburn Rovers last week: “I have no plans to leave the Wales post.”
WHATHEMEANT
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“Technically I don’t actually have any plans at the moment to leave the Wales post but that’s only because Blackburn haven’t telephoned me yet.”
DELIA’S DISH OF THE WEEK
OR WHAT THEY’RE EATING IN NORWICH
WAFFLE DE NIGEL
“We are holding our own at this moment in time and if the players continue to perform like they have done in our first six games then I, as a manager, will have no question marks against them because they have so far been outstanding.” Or, as we say in English: “We’re playing well.”