Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, please put several hundred pennies in Gwyneth Paltrow’s hat!
Are you high?
Yes, on absurd present hysteria. The Goop Christmas gift guide is here!
Oh good, hundreds of things I would never buy.
Let us list them — starting with the ones under $100.
Yes, we can work our way up.
It should be noted that many of these are only just under $100 — such as some $95 body lotion and a $98 manicure set.
Oh. Anything cheap?
How about some wrapping paper or a bar of soap — $18 and $14 respectively? I suppose you could wrap the soap in the paper, but it would set you back $32.
Steep suds. What’s next?
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Wellness! How about a nice hot gemstone and infrared mat?
Think my cat would be a bit shocked.
That’s OK, there’s another heated item on the Lover’s list — a self-heating G-spot vibrator. And a suction vibrator. And a double-sided wand vibrator. And many, many other types of vibrator, as well as a plant-based sex serum for the horny vegan in your life.
What do I do with that?
If you don’t know, it’s best we move on — to the Ridiculous but Awesome section in a faraway land called Price on Request.
I’ll get my passport.
Do. We’re going to Rajasthan to see some tigers. Then to the Alps to go sledding on our $10,500 Chanel sled. Hungry? We’ve got Omakase berries to munch on — they’re grown in a vertical farm, tended to by AI robots and cost $50 for 11.
Sure. Any ideas for little ones?
Absolutely: a junior eco-warriors programme.
Sounds great!
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At the Six Senses in Thailand.
You know what? I think I’ll get that soap.
