My niece is on a path I abhor: to a fundamentalist religious education then a missionary career. Her chosen college will give her nothing except a narrow-minded view of the world and an anti-gay perspective, particularly offensive to me as I am gay. Do I help her financially as I have my other nieces and nephews, or may I withhold my hard-earned cash from a college whose mission is so antithetical to my life?
The admirable wish to assist someone you love does not compel you to forsake your own values. You can keep peace in the family (and your conscience) by adopting a policy of helping all your nieces and nephews in a variety of ways.
But if one of them chooses a path that violates your principles, you needn’t pave it for her. If your niece needed guns to start her career as a bank robber, you’d feel no obligation to finance her. (Nor would you need to: the modern robber should eschew the anachronistic bang-bang and study that whole Enron thing.)
At its most austere, the relevant precept is this: you may attach what strings you like to any gift, and your niece is free to accept or reject your conditions. Aspire higher, however, and do not use your money to tyrannise your niece; instead allow her great latitude in setting her own course. Great, but not infinite.
You should not withdraw your support if she wants to be, say, a lawyer while you have been plumping for med school. But you need not feel obliged to underwrite her training in homophobia. And while there may be some gray areas, between the unconventional and the odious, the situation you face is not one.
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RANDY COHEN
Can you suggest solutions to this ethical dilemma? Or do you have dilemmas of your own? Write to: The Ethicist, Times Features, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. E-mail: ethicist@thetimes.co.uk. Readers’ solutions will be published on Friday.
The Ethicist originates from The New York Times Magazine.