Neville Chamberlain, 1938
PM I have in my pocket a piece of paper.
Private secretary Don’t think you want it in your pocket. People will think you’re hiding something.
PM I have in my... hand?
Chief of staff That’s worse. They can see it’s in your hand. It’s like telling people you’re wearing a hat. They’ll think you’re nuts.
Civil servant Also if it’s important you shouldn’t be waving it around. Send it to the national archive.
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Private secretary Really liked Herr Hitler’s boots. Wonder if you can get them in Office?
PM My hand. It’s going to be in my hand. Peace on this day!
Civil servant Just on this day? Aim longer.
PM Between us, I actually wrote everything on this piece of paper myself, anyway.
Chief of staff Seriously? Hitler didn’t even agree?
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PM No, he did. But just in a text message.
Winston Churchill, 1940
PM We shall fight them and go to the beach.
Civil servant Will we? Why?
Private secretary Bit random, boss.
PM Not the beach? I like the beach. It cheers everybody up.
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Private secretary Take your time. You’re among friends.
PM How about we fight on the beaches? And on the landing grounds?
Civil servant Inspired!
Chief of staff Question. The difference between a beach and a landing ground is what, exactly?
PM Oh push off. Philistine.
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Chief of staff Have you been drinking?
PM Obviously. But in the morning I’ll be sober. And you’re ugly.
Chief of staff Come again?
PM Actually that one needs work, too.
Margaret Thatcher, 1989
PM We have become a grandmother.
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Private secretary What, all of us?
Chief of staff She probably means the government?
Private secretary You try telling Norman Tebbit he’s a grandmother. See how that goes down.
Civil servant Have you noticed how she just says these things and never replies?
Private secretary It’s like we’re just howling away in her handbag. It could be a metaphor.
Chief of staff It’s a wonder she doesn’t just turn it off.
PM You turn off if you want to. The lady’s not for turning off.
PM Actually, we can use that.
Tony Blair, 1998
PM Now is not a time for soundbites. But I feel the hand of history on my knee.
Chief of staff On your... knee?
Private secretary That makes history sound a bit creepy, boss.
PM I’m a pretty straight sort of guy.
Private secretary Calm down. Nobody is suggesting otherwise.
Chief of staff I just think “knee” sounds wrong. Maybe we should get Gordon’s opinion on this?
Civil servant You’ll have to go and find him. He’s broken his phone.
Chief of staff Why does that seem to happen so often?
Civil servant I think it could be because he keeps throwing it across the room.
*according to Hugo Rifkind