1 It involves A-list celebs – viz this month’s Vanity Fair with Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley.
2 Somewhere in the picture there is a strategically placed gay chap, to reinforce the point that naked ladies are things of beauty and in no way sex objects.
3 Limbs are arranged carefully to ensure that modesty prevails, thus rendering the nudity (a) pointless, yet (b) more titillating, while (c) allowing them to keep a no-nudity clause in their film contracts. It’s billed as art and they don’t show anything.
4 The image contains nothing but said naked A-listers; no backdrop, chaise longue, pop-art furniture or anything of the boa variety (feather or snake) that might detract from the purity of their nakedness. Or make them look like sex objects.
5 No one in the photo shoot, or within a three-mile radius, is called Cheryl, Sandy or Kimberley.
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6 A long quote from the naked star, insisting that being photographed nude is, like, a really beautiful thing and was, like, totally their choice. And had nothing to do with an unfortunate incident involving a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, which meant that none of the size zero D&G frocks would do up.
7 Poses are adopted which re-create classical works of art: Botticelli’s Venus, Velázquez’s Venus at Her Mirror . . . although without the winged angels and with considerably smaller bottoms.
8 The accompanying feature talks of the celebs “disrobing” or “elegantly stepping out of their clothes”. There is never a mention of “stripping”. What do you think they are, sex objects?
9 Any hint of a “come hither” facial expression is carefully airbrushed out by a nervous picture editor.
10 The word “baps” doesn’t feature anywhere in the picture caption.