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Ten signs . . .

that Liberals are the new Tories

1 They sound kind of fun. Liberal even. Apart from all the hating each other and destroying each other’s careers.

2 Commentators are using that special grave voice reserved for total political annihilation.

3 Commentators are, like, discussing them at all.

4 Once, Lib Dem front-benchers had journalists racing to their editions of Vacher Dod to work out who they were. These days Lib Dem front-benchers have journalists racing to the internet to looking up exotic sexual practices.

5 Liberal wives are doing the whole Tammy Wynette routine: standing by men that they have barely seen in years and whom they would rather beat with a large stick. The expression “party faithful” is being used to spread the message that there are some Liberals who actually are.

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6 Everyone is so down with the love that dare not speak its name, to the extent that the phrase “gang of four” now implies a quartet of athletic young men.

7 Party members look likely to elect some old guy because everyone else is too busy making the beast with two or more backs.

8 Drinks all round! At last, florid cheeks and slobbering guffaws are not exclusively right-wing.

9 The name David is no longer a provoker of eye-rolling, but a badge of proud and thrusting potency. Everyone should change their name to David — especially people unfortunate enough to bear the monicker of Flash Gordon’s sinister nemesis.

10 Because at last they have become sufficiently interesting to inspire satire. What do Charles Kennedy and Julius Caesar have in common? They were both done in by men in sandals.